Who I Am Read online

  PRAISE FOR MELODY CARLSON'S

  Diary of a Teenage Girl, Caitlin Book 2:

  It's My Life

  “Melody Carlson creates a cast of characters who are real and engaging. It made me want to read the first book in the series and hope that there will be more!”

  NANCY RUE, BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF HERE'S LILY! AND LILY THE REBEL

  “Melody has done it again! Teens won't be able to resist Caitlin's latest diary. Teens will identify and laugh with Caitlin and gain spiritual insight from this fresh glimpse into the heart of a very real teenage girl.”

  HEATHER KOPP, AUTHOR OF LOVE STORIES GOD TOLD AND I STOLE GOD FROM GOODY TWO-SHOES

  “This book inspired me to persevere through all my hardships and struggles, but it also brought me to the reality that even through my flaws, God can make Himself known in a powerful, life-changing way.”

  MEGHAN MCAULAY, FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD REVIEWER

  “I definitely recommend the book It's My Life to teens. Even if you haven't read the first book, it's very easy to pick up what's going on. I was surprised at how easily I could relate my own life to Caitlin's. I really got involved with the book. I could hardly put it down!”

  HEATHER SCHWARZBURG, SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD REVIEWER

  “What an awesome way to convey what teenagers are faced with in today's world. It's My Life captures the expressions and feelings every teenager may face and the struggle they battle within themselves trying to find a solution. A must-read for not only the teens but adults too.”

  KORINA MOYER, YOUTH STAFF VOLUNTEER

  Diary of a Teenage Girl, Caitlin Book 1:

  Becoming Me

  “As I read through Diary of a Teenage Girl, I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't reading my own diary! It captures the thoughts and issues of a teenager's struggles to follow God's pathway.”

  RACHAEL LAMPA, TEEN RECORDING ARTIST

  “From the first page, Diary captured me. I couldn't stop reading! This is a brilliant, well-crafted imaginary journey to the heart of a sixteen-year-old. I can't wait for the sequel!”

  ROBIN JONES GUNN, BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF THE GLENBROOKE SERIES, THE CHRISTY MILLER SERIES, AND THE SIERRA JENSEN SERIES

  “As I read Diary…I felt as if I had been given a gift–a ‘backstage pass’ into the life and heart of Caitlin O'Conner. It is a wonderful and mysterious ride as we are allowed a rare chance to travel alongside a teenage girl as she lives in the real world. This is a unique and refreshing read–fun and entertaining, while at the same time moving and insightful. Read and learn.”

  GEOFF MOORE, CONTEMPORARY CHRISTIAN RECORDING ARTIST

  “Creative and impactful! Diary drew me in as my concern for Caitlin and her friends grew stronger each page I turned. It gave me the inside story to issues I see in my own life–and among my friends and peers. I recommend this book to every teenage girl going through the struggles of peer pressure, dating, and other temptations we face in life.”

  D'ANAE JACOBSON, AUTHOR OF THINGS I'VE LEARNED LATELY

  “Melody Carlson writes with the clear, crisp voice of today's adolescent. Diary of a Teenage Girl is sure to please any teenager who is struggling with peer pressure, identity, and a desire to know and understand God's will. A moving, tender story that will be remembered…and loved.”

  ANGELA ELWELL HUNT, BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF THE NOTE AND MY LIFE AS A MIDDLE SCHOOL MOM

  “Melody Carlson captures the voice of teens today in a character we can all relate to. The unique peer perspective makes it very effective. Integrating the crucial message of the gospel, it forces us to weigh issues and causes us to look at a young person–in reality, ourselves–objectively. It challenges, convicts, and leaves us with hope for the future. I highly recommend this book.”

  ANGELA ALCORN, COLLEGE STUDENT, CO-AUTHOR OF THE ISHBANE CONSPIRACY

  “Carlson succeeds in weaving Christian beliefs into the plot with a light hand–and it's a darn good read!”

  NAPRA REVIEW SERVICE

  Books by Melody Carlson:

  Piercing Proverbs

  DIARY OF A TEENAGE GIRL SERIES

  Caitlin O'Conner:

  Becoming Me

  It's My Life

  Who I Am

  On My Own

  I Do!

  Chloe Miller:

  My Name Is Chloe

  Sold Out

  Road Trip

  Face the Music

  Kim Peterson:

  Just Ask

  Meant to Be (October 2005)

  TRUE COLOR SERIES

  Dark Blue, color me lonely

  Deep Green, color me jealous

  Torch Red, color me torn

  Pitch Black, color me lost

  Burnt Orange, color me wasted

  Fool's Gold, color me consumed

  ONE

  Tuesday (after the missions conference)

  It's a brand-new year, and it seems appropriate that I should begin a new diary today. And yet, to be perfectly honest, I don't feel much like writing. I know that seems crazy since so much has happened in the last few days–like I should be blabbering on for pages and pages. But I guess I'm feeling a little bummed right now or maybe just confused. And even that doesn't make sense, because I've had such an unbelievably awesome time here at Urbana. I mean, I've heard and seen more about worldwide missions than I'd ever imagined possible. And it almost blows your mind to see how many organizations exist! Still, that doesn't exactly explain this weird mix of emotions I'm having. To start with, I feel pretty small and insignificant at the moment (and I realize how self-centered that sounds). But it's the truth, and I guess it's because I'm just one among thousands of young people who God might be calling to some sort of missions opportunity somewhere around the globe.

  I know it doesn't make sense. (I should be glad that so many kids really want to serve God.) Maybe I'm just tired and ready to go home. Or maybe I'm feeling a little slighted that Josh Miller has been so obsessed with the conference that he acts as if I don't even exist. Now how's that for shallow? (On my part, I mean.) Not to mention painfully honest! Okay, I know, I've made this big commitment not to date, and I'm trying really hard to stick to it, but, sheesh, how does it make a girl feel when someone like Josh won't even give her the time of day? Wasn't it just a year ago that Josh (my number-one hottee) was first getting interested in me–little Miss Nobody? And look at us now. It's almost funny. And yet…

  Thankfully, we're about to hit the road! But before I sign off on New Year's Day sounding so gloomy, I must admit I do feel somewhat hopeful too. And I did get the chance to talk with several missions groups who focus on helping the most impoverished children, kind of like the kids at the dump in Mexico. As it turns out (sad as it seems) children who live at garbage dumps aren't all that uncommon (especially in Latin America). And so, I gathered up all these brochures and e-mail addresses and stuff, and I'll be communicating with the missions groups for more information and advice (not to mention praying that God will lead me!). And that all seems pretty worthwhile.

  And if it wasn't for that, I'd probably be feeling pretty discouraged right now. There were times when I actually wondered why I'd come to this conference. Because almost every missions person I spoke with kept saying, “You need to go to college before you seriously consider going to work in Mexico or anywhere else.” One old guy practically read me the riot act, he said it was “inexperienced people like me that gave missionaries a bad name,” thank you very much! well, let me tell you, that really made my day.

  Still, one nice woman suggested I might invest my summer vacation down in Mexico and continue my college studies throughout the rest of the year. That was a little encouraging. But for the most part, I just sat there in the stands, a face in the crowd, looking out upon all these thousands o
f kids (most of them partway or even finished with college). And the embarrassing truth is I now feel like this teeny, tiny droplet in a great, big ocean. And I wonder what possible difference little old me can have on anything? But then again, I'm probably just tired, and I do have a cold that's making me feel kind a down too. So, I suppose it's times like this that I need to remember my verse about trusting God with all my heart.

  I must admit, I'm looking forward to seeing Josh and the other guys during our trip back home. Naturally, they stayed in one of the men's dorms. (I was in the women's.) And like I said Josh mostly ignored me–okay, he completely ignored me. But I suppose that was a good thing. It did allow me to focus my attention on missions without being distracted by his great Matt Damon good looks, although I did notice a few other girls looking as well as what appeared to me to be flirting! Okay, okay, I'm not jealous. Well, not exactly. I think I'm mostly just tired and need to go home. Man, I can't wait to sleep in my own bed!

  Thursday, January 3 (after a grueling trip)

  Sheesh, I thought we'd never get home. A nasty snowstorm blew up shortly after we took off, and we had to go painfully slow and be careful. We took turns driving around the clock for two and a half days. Thankfully, Josh had a cell phone so we remained in touch with our families. But everyone got so tired and grumpy that I was afraid we might slide right off the road and get stuck in a snowdrift and end up just like the Donner party! Well, I doubt we actually would've turned into cannibals, but we might've killed each other off. Suffice it to say, I am quite glad to see the old homestead again. And it makes me wonder just how serious I really am about going down to Mexico to live. I mean, that's a long ways from home. Something to think about, I guess. But maybe I'll think about it tomorrow…after I've slept for about, say, nineteen or twenty hours! By the way, I don't think Josh and I exchanged more than a few sentences the entire time. Oh, well, I guess I should be thankful.

  Friday, January 4 (back to the norm, whatever that is)

  Even though I was kind of exhausted, it was something of a relief to be back at school today and back around kids my own age, who are just doing ordinary things like complaining about the basketball team's latest losing streak or soggy french fries in the cafeteria. Although, at the same time, it did seem slightly odd that no one here talked about saving the lost or feeding the hungry or getting Bibles to some third world tribe. And I suppose it all seems just a mite shallow in contrast to where I was only a week ago. But naturally I kept these thoughts to myself.

  At least my best friends Jenny and Beanie seemed really glad to see me. And I think they were actually relieved to hear that I wasn't planning on dropping out of school my senior year and hitchhiking down to Mexico to save the world or something equally absurd. I wouldn't be surprised if they both thought I was about to go off the deep end and do something totally weird and fanatical.

  But speaking of weird, here's what's got me scratching my head today. It seems that Beanie has this new “romantic interest” in her life (Joel Johnson). And this has got me a little concerned. Not so much because I thought she and Zach Streeter would ever get back together or anything, because I know they're only “just friends” now, and Josh even told me that Zach probably has a girlfriend at college. (Although I don't think Beanie knows this–or maybe she does!) But the thing is, it's been only about six months since Beanie promised God she would abstain from sex, and I suppose I sort of thought that meant she wasn't going to date either. And she hasn't. Well, until now, that is. And, of course, it's her life–and it's her decision–and I have absolutely no right to judge her. But, sheesh, this guy isn't even a Christian. And quite frankly I just don't get it!

  Jenny told me that Beanie had been talking about Joel a lot last semester (and I'm wondering where was I?), and she said she wasn't a bit surprised when they finally went out–to a movie on New Year's Eve, as it turns out. But then, how could Jenny understand my concerns about Beanie? I mean, Jenny still thinks it's okay to date and stuff. I'm not even sure where she stands on the abstinence issue. And she and Trent Ziegler have been going out since before Christmas, and he's not a Christian either. But it's really none of my business, right? So why should any of it even surprise or bother me?

  Maybe it's just that I'm feeling a little like the odd man out right now. You know that old fifth wheel thing. Or maybe I'm just afraid that we're all going to grow apart or that Beanie and Jenny might stop taking God seriously. Already it seems like those two are living in their own little world. I mean, they live together and work together and the fact is, I feel kind of out of it just now. So how can I possibly step in and say that I'm all worried about their spiritual conditions without sounding like a total nerd? I mean, it seems like I should be able to tell my two best friends how I feel, but I'm not so sure. What if they see me as some kind of religious fanatic? (Am I a fanatic?)

  Oh, maybe I'm just overreacting to what is simply normal high school behavior. To be perfectly honest, I feel pretty confused right now and I'm thinking I better just pray about all this stuff and try really hard to keep my big mouth shut before I'm really sorry. (Now, wouldn't that be a good exercise in self-control!)

  DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP ME NOT TO COME DOWN ON MY FRIENDS (OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER). AND HELP ME NOT TO LET THEIR CHOICES INFLUENCE MY DECISIONS. I KNOW HOW YOU'VE ASKED ME TO LIVE AND I DON'T WANT TO COMPROMISE. I WANT TO STAY STRONG FOR YOU. AMEN.

  TWO

  Sunday, January 6 (sigh of relief)

  I spent the night at my grandma's house last night (where Beanie and Jenny are living until Grandma comes back from snowbirding down in Arizona). And it felt just like old times with the three of us hanging out together. Believe it or not, we actually made popcorn and chocolate chip cookies. Talk about pigging out! It was Beanie's idea, really, since this is one part of childhood that she seriously missed out on living with her less-than-traditional mom, Lynn. But I have to confess that Jenny and I kind a liked it too. We kept calling ourselves the three old maids, although I think that's hardly likely! Especially with Jenny who gets asked out several times a week (according to Beanie who fields half the phone calls). Have I ever mentioned that Jenny looks a lot like Catherine Zeta-Jones (only a younger, thinner version)? Well, Jenny says that's absolutely crazy, but I'm not the first one who's noticed. Anyway, I'm sure those two were just saying the old maid thing for my benefit since they figure that's my major goal in life. Ha! Then we sat down with our carb feast and watched these goofy old movies from my grandma's funky video collection.

  We stayed up until about three in the morning watching Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Talk about corny! Then we still managed to get up in time to go to youth group and church. After that we invited Andrea LeMarsh to come to the mall with us. We got some lunch and then shopped the after-Christmas sales, which are pretty picked over by now, although Beanie did manage to find a jacket that we all thought looked very cool on her. (And to think it wasn't even from a secondhand store!) Then Jenny found a pair of boots she'd been wanting that were marked way down. So those two were pretty delivious. Andrea and I didn't have such great luck (a good thing since I'm still fairly broke after the missions conference). Anyway, we tried on funny hats and ugly purses and generally acted childish and immature. But I must say it felt pretty good.

  And so now I'm thinking all my previous worries about Jenny and Beanie falling away from God were just some kind of neurotic paranoia on my part. And after hearing them share today in youth group–they both responded to Greg's question about who should come first in our lives–I'm sure they're both doing just fine in that regard. Chalk it up to another Caitlin O'Conner lesson on judging others and why it's not a terribly smart thing to do.

  Tuesday, January 8 (foot-in-mouth disease strikes again)

  Well, I've gone and done it now. Once again, I've managed to totally alienate my oldest and best friend. I really stuck my foot in it when Jenny and Beanie and I went to the basketball game tonight. It was Beanie's idea to go, of course,
since Joel plays center for the team (which is not having such a great season). I don't know why it didn't occur to me earlier that he was the one behind Beanie's recent interest in basketball. (I mean, she used to think that sport was only slightly less absurd than football.) Anyway, I thought going to the game sounded fun and I even offered to drive. I tried not to notice when Beanie was yelling like a wild woman for Joel to score–I mean, we were all cheering for the team (and they only lost by one point!). But after the game, Beanie said we could go on without her, that she'd catch a ride home with Joel.

  “But why do you want to do that?” I asked (somewhat stupidly, I can see now in retrospect).

  Beanie frowned. “Why not?”

  “Well, I don't know, Beanie. I guess it just doesn't seem right to me.” I'm sure I kind of stumbled over my words at that point, and I know I probably sounded just like an old mother hen. What I really wanted to say was how I was seriously worried about her getting involved with another guy again. (I mean, it seems like she's barely gotten over Zach.) But how do you say something like that to your friend with a bunch of people hanging around?

  But it was too late. I watched Beanie's eyebrows come together in a dark V, and when her nostrils flared I knew I was in trouble. Somehow I'd stepped over the line. Although I wasn't quite sure how.

  “Caitlin O'Conner!” She spat out my name, her lips puckered as if it tasted like dirt. Then she took a deep breath (like she was trying to control her temper) and just slowly shook her head. She looked like she was about to correct someone the age of my little cousin Oliver when she finally spoke. “You know, I think you're prejudiced.”

  Now, I forgot to mention that Beanie's new heartthrob (Joel Johnson) is black (or African-American or whatever the politically correct term is these days). Actually his skin is sort of a nice caramel color and he's really good looking, but I'm getting away from the point here. The thing is: I am NOT, nor have I EVER been prejudiced–against anyone! At least not based on skin color or ethnicity. I mean, I may have been slightly prejudiced against snooty popular kids once (way back before Jenny and I became friends). But I don't believe I've ever been prejudiced against someone simply because their skin, hair, or eye color was different than mine. I mean, that's ridiculous. And for Beanie to say that to me (and in public) was incredibly offensive. And I was actually speechless for a few seconds. Then finally I gathered my wits and looked her right in the eyes. “I am not prejudiced!” I sputtered. “I'm–I'm just worried about you–”