Becoming Me Page 12

  Just before nine I hear Josh calling my name, and I yell to him that “I’m in here” and he comes in to join me, acting all sorry that he brought me to such a crappy party (but I can smell booze on his breath and by the way he’s now slurring his words, I’m pretty sure Andrea was right to laugh!). And then he starts trying to kiss me and getting all mushy and putting his hands all over me,and I shove him away which he actually seems to like. So he starts kind of laughing, and then we have this little wrestling match on the couch (and I’m thinking, who is this guy?). I consider yelling for help, but I think that’s kind of silly because this is only Josh for Pete’s sake. But at the same time, I’m feeling scared and I’m tired of pushing him off. Then suddenly he gets pretty aggressive and I start to really freak out! And I’m actually afraid that he’s going to hurt me! And I do scream!

  But we’re in a room in the back of the house and the music is so loud that I’m sure no one can hear me. Then suddenly we hear other people yelling and stampeding through the house—and we quickly realize that the cops are here and the party’s being busted. Now, I’m not sure which I’m more afraid of—getting arrested and having to call my parents, or Josh. But before I can think Josh grabs me by the arm (and since he knows his way around the house), makes a quick escape through a side door, down the driveway, and into his Jeep which is parked down the street. Then he starts the engine and quietly slips down an alley. I’m shaking so hard, I cannot speak. At any minute I expect to see the flashing blue lights—and I halfway hope that I do.

  Finally it’s apparent that he’s managed to get away, and now I am really, really mad! And I ask him to let me out on the next corner (there’s a convenience store right there). Well, of course, he is all over himself saying, “I’m sorry, I got carried away, I didn’t mean anything…” He goes on and on, saying he doesn’t know what came over him, that he never should’ve had a drink, how he totally hates himself for doing that, and all sorts of pitiful things. And now I’m actually feeling sorry for him. So I tell him, the only way I’m not getting out of this Jeep right now is if he hands over the keys and I drive the rest of the way. He agrees and I drive straight home.

  Out of concern for his safety, I did consider dropping him off at his house first, but I was worried he might not agree to let me take his Jeep after that. And after all I’ve been through tonight, all I want is to get home safely. Once I’m home (still shaking) I pray that God will safely get him home too. And then I collapse on my bed in tears.

  WHAT A TOTAL MESS I AM MAKING OF MY LIFE, GOD. I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU COULD POSSIBLY LOVE SOMEONE AS HOPELESS AND STUPID AS ME. WILL I EVER LEARN HOW TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS? I KNEW I SHOULD’VE CALLED MY PARENTS THE VERY FIRST THING, BUT I DIDN’T. I’M SO SORRY, GOD; PLEASE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

  Then like someone pouring a bucket of ice cold water over my head, it occurs to me that I placed myself in a seriously dangerous position tonight.

  1) I could have been involved in a drunken driving car accident, or 2) I could have been arrested (really the least of these possibilities), or 3) I could have experienced date rape.

  And this is not to mention the serious trouble I could have gotten into with my parents (if they’d known). I could have been grounded for life—which honestly doesn’t seem like such a bad idea just now.

  But the really weird thing is I don’t feel much pleasure in realizing how lucky I was to escape these very near catastrophes. Mostly I feel a deep regret that I am so stupid as to get involved in something like this to begin with.

  Okay, you may be thinking that I didn’t intentionally do something wrong—like I didn’t know it was going to be a drinking party. But let me be totally honest here. I had this gut feeling (call it a still, small voice if you want) but I had a feeling that I was flirting with disaster, dabbling in sin—whatever, but something inside me was sending out warnings.

  And, come to think of it, so did Jenny of all people (she told me to be careful). And so did Dad for that matter. Even Clay seemed pretty concerned about us kids in youth group last week. It’s like the writing was all over the wall (sorry, Miss Tyler).

  Well, here and now I am deciding that something’s got to change in me. I will not keep living like this. I know that might mean I have to rethink things with Josh. But after tonight, I’m ready to do that.

  Okay, I’ll admit I still have strong feelings for him. But I’m not going to be stupid about it. I know that something’s wrong with our relationship. I just hope I have the strength to do what’s right. Hopefully, I’ll actually know what’s right when the time comes. And I’ll keep praying that God will show me. I’m sure that he will.

  But right now, I’m exhausted. All I want to do is sleep—and to thank God for protecting me tonight.

  THANK YOU, GOD. I CAN SEE I’VE BEEN A FOOL, AND I’M REALLY SORRY. I’M NOT EVEN TOTALLY SURE WHAT THE NEXT STEP IS FOR ME, BUT I PRAY THAT YOU WILL SHOW ME. I PRAY THAT I WON’T QUESTION YOU, AND THAT I WILL OBEY. THANK YOU AGAIN FOR TAKING CARE OF ME. AND ONCE AGAIN I’M REALLY, REALLY SORRY. AMEN.

  SIXTEEN

  May 6, Sunday (a ray of hope)

  I stayed home all day yesterday. I think I was sort of in shock or something. But anyway, in the afternoon up comes this florist van, and the guy is delivering a bunch of red roses to ME. And they are from Josh, with a handwritten apology. My parents are pretty surprised (of course, I don’t show them the note). They want to know what the special occasion is. I just shrug and say I don’t know. Then my dad says did I know that red roses are the symbol of true love? I just laugh and say, “Did it occur to you that Josh might just like the color red?” I wonder if I should call him up and say thanks, but somehow I don’t want to. In fact, for the first time in weeks I had no desire to see him at all. I wonder how long that will last.

  I went to church and youth group today. Surprisingly enough Andrea was there too. We both just sort of looked at each other without saying anything. But I was really curious if she’d been among the kids that got MIPs (minors in possession), but I didn’t ask. Today, Clay brought his guitar and played a song that he wrote. It was so good, I think he could probably sell it to a recording studio. I kept looking at him and thinking, why can’t Josh be more like him? Then I started wondering what I’d ever seen in Josh in the first place. And then I even wondered (although I felt guilty about this one, but it’s the truth) if Clay ever decided to have a girlfriend, would he consider someone like me? And I instantly thought, no way—I’d never be good enough for someone like him. And that made me so sad I almost started to cry. But somehow I managed to cover it up.

  Honestly, I’m wondering if I might be turning into some sort of basket case. But then, I’m not the only one. Zach and Beanie seemed out of sorts today too. I remembered the problems they were having. And suddenly I thought, man, we are really one screwed up bunch of kids. I wondered if poor Clay has any idea what a mess we are! But we ended in prayer and Clay said that God had shown him that we were “all going to do great and powerful things—individually and corporately” (those were his exact words).

  Well, at least that was encouraging. If anyone can make something of a bunch of messed up kids, I’m sure God can. But now I’m wondering what in the world I’m supposed to do about Josh. To tell the truth (and this is embarrassing because I used to think Jenny was being stupid) but I don’t want to break up with Josh before I get a chance to go to the prom with him (and that’s not until the end of May). And anyway, aren’t we supposed to forgive one another?

  May 9, Wednesday (old habits die hard)

  The week started out okay. I think last weekend knocked some sense into Josh and for the first couple days he was really polite and not pushy or anything. But then today (after track practice) I started seeing some of that old stuff emerging. And I got concerned again. I mean, all he did was kiss me (a little too long), but it was enough to send up a danger signal. When I pushed him away, he got irritated. But I didn’t really care at the time. Although now I’m not so sure.<
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  Everyone at school is talking about the prom, and suddenly everyone seems to be switching boyfriends. Now, Heather Larson is going with Nathan. And Jenny (rumored to have broken up Heather and Brian) is going with Brian. Even Zach and Beanie are planning on going. And I really want to go.

  Quite honestly, something inside me is saying no. Do you think it could be God? I can’t understand why he wouldn’t want me to go and just have a good time (I mean without doing anything wrong). It seems like that would be a sort of “victorious” thing to do, wouldn’t it? But I’m just not sure. And since I’ve been praying that I’d learn to recognize and obey God’s voice, I’m worried that I might actually be hearing it and yet I’m unwilling to do what he says (especially in this one particular area). I ask you, would a kind and loving God ask a sixteen-year-old girl to give up a chance to go to the prom with one of the most popular boys in school (a boy who only recently gave his heart to Jesus)? I just don’t think so. But then again, I’m not sure either.

  OH, GOD, HELP ME TO FIGURE THIS ALL OUT. AND HELP ME TO BE TRUE TO YOU. I LOVE YOU, GOD. I WANT TO CHOOSE YOU ABOVE ALL ELSE. BUT I MIGHT NEED SOME HELP. AMEN.

  May 11, Friday at noon (a very black Friday)

  This is the saddest day of my life. I am literally numb with grief.

  This morning we heard there had been another school shooting. Only this time it was much, much closer to home. At 8:16 A.M., a freshman boy entered McFadden High and shot about a dozen kids in the cafeteria before a couple of football players jumped him from behind and knocked the automatic weapon from his hands.

  Clay Berringer was among those shot. Clay was pronounced dead at 11:20 this morning.

  They sent us home from school. They canceled the track meet (not that I would have gone anyway). And now a bunch of people are meeting (from our church) to pray for the rest of the day. I couldn’t go. Not yet.

  I am so totally devastated I cannot even hold my pen to write legibly. I cannot think. I cannot even pray. I am certain that I will never laugh again. And I am so angry at God for allowing this to happen. Where were the angels that were supposed to protect Clay? How could God take him away from us?

  Oh, Clay, dearest, Clay. You were so good, so true, so honest, so very dear. So incredibly good. Oh, Clay, how could God allow you to leave this world when we need you so badly right now? I will never in a hundred years understand this.

  My heart is shattered into millions of tiny pieces, and I don’t know if I can ever trust God again.

  SEVENTEEN

  May 11, Friday (later that night)

  I finally went to join he members of our church who had gathered to pray for Tony Berringer (Clay’s brother and our pastor) as well as the other kids who were shot and their families. Two other kids have died (a senior girl who had almost a four-point GPA, and a junior boy who’d been on the track team and had raced against Zach and Josh). It all seems so unbelievably unfair. The other wounded kids are in varying conditions, but they say most are out of critical danger by now. I just don’t get it. Kids killing other kids. Why?

  Tony joined us at the prayer meeting this evening. He was being amazingly brave and gracious and even said we must also pray for the shooter (and to forgive him), and then Tony burst into tears. Of course, we were all crying. It’s just the saddest thing I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.

  But I guess I needed to go and be with the others. Somehow it’s comforting to be with people who are in the same kind of pain. Andrea and I hugged and cried for a long time (I think we both felt like sinners who deserved to die far more than someone as good as Clay). All the youth group kids were there, and we went into another room separate from the adults for a while. Zach sort of acted as the leader and no one complained. Beanie was there too, and I could tell she’d been crying a lot, but I hadn’t talked to her since earlier today when she and Zach dropped me home from school.

  All the McFadden kids filled us in on all the horrible details of the shooting (some of them had witnessed the entire horrifying event). It was more details than I ever wanted to hear. But I think they needed to talk about the whole thing—sort of get it out of their systems, I guess. We are all in shock over it still, and we all miss Clay more than words will ever say. For a long time we sat there remembering all the things he had said to us in the last few weeks.

  Then Andrea spoke up and said, “It’s kind of like when Jesus died, isn’t it?” We all knew what she meant. I mean, it’s probably sacrilegious or something to make that kind of comparison, but we couldn’t help it. Clay was so good.

  Then I said, stupidly enough, “The only problem is that Clay won’t rise from the dead in three days.”

  But Zach challenged me on that. “He has already risen from the dead,” he said as if he personally knew something we didn’t. “Right now, Clay is in heaven with Jesus.” Several others agreed. I suppose they’re right, but all I could think was, a whole lot of good that does me. I wanted him to be down here where we could see him and listen to him.

  About then Tony came in and asked if he could have a short word with us. I felt so sorry for him—he looked so tired and sad. But his words didn’t sound tired and sad. And he proceeded to tell us about a Clay we had never even known.

  As it turns out, Tony and Clay moved here a couple years ago (after Tony’s wife had died of cancer). Before that Tony had been a pastor in a big city, where he had raised Clay after his parents had died when Clay was only ten. But apparently after Judith (Tony’s wife) died, Clay had started getting really rebellious and getting into all kinds of trouble—serious things like drugs and stealing and all sorts of stuff. I know everyone in the youth group was totally shocked to hear this; I guess we had begun to think that Clay was just about perfect. Anyway, Tony said he wasn’t telling us this to in any way diminish Clay’s memory, but so that we could all see how far God had taken Clay in a very short time.

  After getting arrested (at only sixteen), Clay hit absolute rock bottom and finally called out on God, and then he rededicated his life to Jesus. “And it was like night and day,” said Tony. “We moved here, and I’ve never seen a life change so completely, so quickly—it was a real miracle.” He sobbed as he continued. “God gave Clay two amazing years and I know Clay is sitting next to Jesus right now—and he’s having no regrets.”

  Then Tony just totally broke down and we all went up and hugged him and told him how much we loved Clay and how much his life had meant to us, and how thankful we were to have known him—even if it was only just briefly.

  Now I’m sitting here thinking, maybe that’s just the way it is. We all have a certain number of days to live, and we don’t know the number. But at least Clay was living his life to the best of his ability. And, like Tony says, I know he has no regrets.

  Then I wonder, could I have said the same if I’d been killed in a drunken driving accident last weekend? Not hardly. It’s a lot to consider and I’m not even sure what I think about everything yet. But I don’t think I’m mad at God anymore. For one thing, I know that would make Clay sad. And, no, I’m not living my life for Clay. But I just don’t want his life to have been wasted on me.

  There was a message on our answering machine from Josh when we got home tonight. But I just can’t bring myself to call him back. I just don’t think I want to talk to him yet. Zach is going to drop Beanie by to spend the night here. I think she is taking this even harder than me. I’m not sure why. But I suppose I’ll find out; we’ll probably talk about this all night.

  May 14, Monday

  We had a very moving memorial service for Clay in church yesterday; the room was packed with people I’ve never seen there before. The youth group had offered to sing the song that Clay had written (and sung to us just a week ago—I cannot believe it was only a week; it seems like a hundred years!).

  We practiced most of the day yesterday until we got it almost perfect. And I think everyone appreciated it. Then Tony talked about Clay’s life (some of the same things he’d already
told us) and then he spoke about the seed that falls to the ground and dies and then a hundred new plants spring out of it. He said that just last night God had showed him that that’s how it would be with Clay’s life. And something inside of me agreed.

  Today there was a burial service at the cemetery for Clay and even more people came (several hundred, I’m sure!). The cars were lined up for about a mile, and I think almost every kid from McFadden plus a bunch from Harrison were there too (including Josh). They even had to set up a PA system so that everyone could hear. And we sang Clay’s song again—I still can’t sing it without crying.

  It was a good service, and I know many people were deeply touched. And although I’ll never, ever get over losing Clay, I feel like I can keep going now. Like, for Clay’s sake, I want to love and obey God more than I’ve ever done before. And today, for the first time since Friday, I felt this little twinge of, I don’t know, almost like joy—but not real bubbly or anything. Maybe it was more like peace; I’m not sure. But anyway, it was a good twinge. Kind of like a deep sigh. And I felt like everything is going to be okay after all. I’m still pretty sad too. Hard to describe, I guess.

  Afterwards, Josh came up and gave me a hug and wanted to give me a ride home. But I said, “No, I need to ride home with my parents,” which wasn’t exactly true (I mean they weren’t making me), but I needed to because I wanted to. I’ve felt closer than ever to my family these past few days (even Benjamin!), and I don’t mind spending time with them. I know it’s been like that for a lot of the kids in our youth group. And I think it’s a good thing. A lot of us were getting sort of wild and pushing our limits and stuff. Maybe this was a good reminder that family is important.