Becoming Me Read online

  But I do feel sorry for Beanie. She seemed so confused the other night. Her mom isn’t doing so well, not that that’s anything new (Lynn has a new boyfriend who sounds like a major creep), and I know Beanie has been depending on Zach for a lot (too much I think). So, anyway, I said to Beanie that I’m here for her. And that I plan on being a whole lot more available, and maybe we both just needed to give this boyfriend thing a rest for a while.

  I don’t know if she took me too seriously (or maybe she thought I was just saying all that to be nice), but I really did mean it. I even told her if she needed a place to stay, I could probably talk my parents into letting her come live with us. And I’m pretty sure that I could. My parents really seem to be changing since they’re back together and going to Faith Fellowship. It seems like their relationship with God is becoming more real too. Right now, in spite of all the tragedy, I feel just slightly hopeful about a lot of things.

  But one thing I’m not too hopeful for—it’s me and Josh. I just don’t know what to do about that. Right now, I don’t even want to think about it.

  EIGHTEEN

  May 17, Thursday

  It’s been a pretty quiet week in our town, sort of like someone spread a thick gray blanket of sadness over the whole place. I think almost everyone is grieving in one way or another—even the grocery store has a black wreath hanging by the front door. The other two funerals were held this week, along with a big memorial service at McFadden High last night. Their school won’t open their doors until the middle of next week. The other kids who were shot have been released from the hospital now and it sounds like they’re all making fairly good recoveries—many people attribute this to all the prayers that have been going up all over town (and even across the country!).

  It turns out that the other two kids who died in the shooting were both Christians. In fact, they were friends of Clay (we just learned that this week). And Pastor Tony’s “seed” theory is really proving to be right on the money, because lots of kids have been giving their hearts to Jesus throughout the week. Everyone is talking about it. And I must admit it’s encouraging to see such things. (Still, my heart aches for missing Clay.) But I do think it would make him happy to see everything that’s happening as a result (and maybe he’s up there watching).

  All those national media vans have finally disappeared from hanging all over town, and I think life is slowly returning to a subdued sort of normal. I suppose in time our town will fully recover, but I doubt if we’ll ever forget. I know I’ll never forget. So far there doesn’t seem to be any big explanation for the kid who did the killing; I mean, other than he was really angry and had access to firearms. Some kids say he belongs to some satanic internet group, and he took a vow to kill Christians. But all kinds of rumors are floating around right now, and I’m not sure what’s true and what’s not, but time will tell, I guess. Pastor Tony says we all need to keep praying for him, no matter what he’s involved in—and that that’s what Clay would want. So, I try, but I must admit my prayers sound a little halfhearted to me. But maybe God understands.

  May 18, Friday (what to do?)

  Okay, here’s what’s bugging me today. (I know it sounds pretty silly and insignificant after everything else that’s happened in the last week, but it’s a problem just the same.) You see, my parents both seem to really like Josh (he’s been coming by our house more often lately), and even Benjamin seems to think he’s okay, especially when they shoot hoops together. And I know my mom is thinking it’s so wonderful that I’m going to the prom with him and all. So now I’m wondering, what in the world am I going to do about all this?

  I mean—I do feel like I’m supposed to break up with him, but how will I explain this to everyone? And what if they’re all disappointed and everything? Maybe I should just wait until after the prom (well, not the very next day, of course, but a week or so after). But then it’ll be graduation time (for Josh, I mean), and I know there’ll be all sorts of parties and stuff where he’ll want to have his girlfriend along with him to celebrate. And, well, I just don’t know what to do about this whole stupid thing! To be honest, going to the prom still sounds like fun (maybe not as great as it used to sound, but it’d probably be fun).

  On top of everything, my mom wants to go looking for a prom dress with me tomorrow (and I know she’s really excited about all this—almost like we’re planning a big wedding or something). I just feel so totally torn. I mean, ever since Clay’s death, I’ve gotten closer than ever with my parents, but I’ve also been getting closer and closer to God. And I’m really starting to believe that my relationship with Josh has been a hindrance to my relationship with Jesus all along (just consider the way we started out!). I guess I almost feel (as Clay used to say) “convicted” about this whole thing. Clay told us once how God had given him certain convictions and at the time I wasn’t totally sure what he meant by that. Except that he said it was a personal thing and it was different for everyone. But he said that when you got one you knew it.

  Well, I think I’ve got one and I’m pretty sure that I know it. I’m just not totally certain how to handle it without hurting a whole bunch of people and making a great big mess of everything. But I do have a feeling if I wait too long, it’ll be even worse, and maybe too late.

  DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP ME TO KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS. I THINK YOU’RE TELLING ME TO BREAK UP WITH JOSH. BUT A BIG PART OF ME IS STRUGGLING WITH I T. PLEASE, SHOW ME SOMEHOW WHAT I NEED TO DO. THANK YOU.

  May 19, Saturday (Mom comes through)

  I wimped out and went ahead and shopped for prom dresses with my mom today. After trying on about a hundred gorgeous gowns I just burst into tears. Well, my mom told the salesclerk we’d be back later, and then she rushed me out of there and into a nearby deli, where she ordered us both turkey sandwiches (thinking I was suffering from low blood sugar or some such thing). Anyway, I couldn’t stop crying. And about then she decides I must still be grieving for Clay (which may actually be true) so she very sweetly tries to comfort me by saying how we all loved him, but we need to move on with our lives and things like that. By then I just can’t stand it anymore, so I blurt out, “I can’t keep dating Josh.”

  Well, my mom sort of blinks in surprise, and then asks me what exactly is going on. And I cannot believe it, but I sit right there in the corner booth of The Great Tomato Delicatessen and tell her almost everything that has gone on with me and Josh. And she listens, then simply says, “Well, honey, if you need to break up with him, you better do it right away.”

  I felt so incredibly relieved, it was like I’d been being squeezed in a giant vice and suddenly someone took off the pressure. I asked if she was disappointed that I wouldn’t be going to the prom, and she just laughed and said, “I’d rather see you happy than going to dozens of proms, Caitlin. Don’t you know that?”

  And I must confess that I didn’t. I always thought Mom wanted me to be really popular, a cheerleader, and maybe even the prom queen. I told her thanks for everything and we hugged. I think it’s one of those mother-daughter moments that I’ll always remember—and we didn’t even have to buy a silly dress either!

  So, here comes the hard part. It was time to call Josh (for some reason it didn’t bother me to call him for this). And I tell him that I need to break up with him. He doesn’t question it or anything. He just says, “Okay,” and then hangs up! Just like that. Well, I guess I should be relieved that it was so easy, but it kind of bugs me that he didn’t even want to talk to me about it, or try to convince me otherwise, or anything! To be totally honest, his apathetic response kind of hurt my pride. I mean, it’s not like I wanted him to come crawling on his knees to me, but it might’ve been nice to see just a little regret on his part. After all, he does have a little something to do with me wanting to break up—he did act like a complete jerk more than once. But then, I need to remember, this conviction came from God not Josh.

  And now, I’ve obeyed God. And actually considering I just gave up going to the prom with on
e of the cutest guys in school, I don’t even feel that bad. In fact, I really feel relieved. And free. I know this sounds weird, but somehow I think Clay is up there cheering for me right now. Anyway, I know that God is! And that’s what really matters.

  May 20, Sunday (public confession)

  For some reason I wanted to share the story of my first real live conviction with my youth group at church today. I guess it’s because we’ve gotten so close to each other since losing Clay. Anyway, I went ahead and told them all about it (well, not everything). But, I think it meant something to several of them. Andrea came up to me afterwards and actually thanked me for sharing. She said it gave her something to think about. But Beanie acted kind of funny about it. After church she asked me (privately) “Does that mean you think you’re better than Zach and me?”

  I was surprised, but said, “No, not at all. The stuff between me and Josh was definitely one big mess. It was hurting me a lot, and I know that’s why God wanted me to break it off with him. Like Clay said, a conviction from God is an individual thing.”

  I don’t know if she really understood what I meant or not, but I figured she’d have to sort it all out for herself anyway. I did tell her if she wanted to hear more about this, I’d be happy to tell her the reasons I had to break up (I’m not terribly proud of everything that went on between me and Josh, but I’d be glad to share if it’d help her at all). Still, she didn’t seem that interested. So, I just hugged her and told her I loved her. We’ve all been doing a lot more hugging lately—since losing Clay.

  And our youth group has really grown—from about a dozen to almost fifty! And now a college guy named Greg Thiessen has stepped in to lead our group. He’s really nice and everything, but not the same as Clay.

  May 25, Friday (outside looking in)

  It’s been a pretty lousy week for me. All anyone can talk about these days is the prom (which happens to be tomorrow night). And even though it was my choice not to go, I feel totally out of it right now. The good thing is I’m really relying on God to help me through this whole thing. And I’ve felt spiritually stronger than ever before in my entire life. Still, I’d be a big fat liar if I said that everything is just great. It’s hard being an outsider. At the same time, it makes me wonder how Jesus might have felt sometimes. And maybe Clay too. Then suddenly I feel stronger, like everything’s going to be okay, and that this is all for the best in the long run. Still, it’s not easy.

  It sure didn’t help to see how quickly Jenny and Josh got back together (I guess I should’ve known). It seemed like this week turned into a mad scramble of everyone changing dates with everyone else. (Totally weird, if you ask me, and did I mention a little shallow? Of course, only recently I was equally shallow so I better not judge!) So without going into all the pitiful details, I think everyone is finally all settled with who’s taking whom to the prom.And somewhere (way down in the high school clique system) there must be a surprised girl (who never thought she had a chance) who is now going to the prom with some poor guy whose date bailed on him at the last minute just to go with some more popular guy. So I guess at least one person is happy. Actually, so am I. It’s just a more quiet sort of happy.

  I kind of wish I had something fun to do tomorrow night, but on the other hand, what if I suddenly got all depressed and down and didn’t want to be around anyone right at that moment. I’ll pray about it, and maybe God will give me some ideas. Just in case, I’m making this all seem like some big horrible, awful thing, it’s not. The enormous relief I feel inside of me far outweighs what I may (or may not) have passed up.

  Furthermore, I’ve recently heard all this chatter about how all the guys are reserving hotel rooms and I suddenly realize exactly what Josh’s expectations might have been for me after the prom—and I’m sitting here thinking: Thank God for sparing me from that. I’ll be praying especially hard for Beanie and Zach. I’m not sure where they are right now regarding all this (and I believe Clay’s death had an effect on that part of their relationship), but I also know Beanie’s been awfully unhappy lately, and I just wish I could help.

  NINETEEN

  May 26, Saturday (proms, prayers, and promises)

  Here I sit, alone, in my room. Oh, woe is me. (NOT REALLY!) Actually, I’m kind of enjoying the solitude.

  My family went to dinner and a movie tonight. And after about twenty minutes of begging and pleading for me to join them, they finally gave up when I somehow managed to convince them that 1) I am not depressed, 2) I am not suicidal, and 3) I just want to be alone. That’s really all there is to it. I just wanted some time to think and to pray.

  It’s been a totally beautiful spring day today with blue sky, sunshine, birds singing in the trees—perfect day for a prom. That’s really okay, it’s not like I wanted it to rain or anything. Mostly, I just want for that whole thing to be over with so I won’t have to think about it anymore. Before long, the seniors will graduate (including Josh, thank goodness) and then school will be out for the summer.I can’t wait! My dad says I might be able to get a job at the ad agency (they’re looking for someone to help the receptionist) and I just might look into it. Also, our youth group is planning a two week mission trip down to Mexico this summer. It’s an idea that Clay had come up with last winter (and I have to admit that no one was very interested at first, but now they’re really into it).

  I guess because he’s gone, we’re thinking differently about things like reaching out to others, and maybe we’ll do it in his memory—sort of a tribute to his life. It won’t be until the end of August, and the purpose is to build houses for poor people and at the same time tell them about Jesus. It’s sounding pretty good to me, and I really hope I can get a job and earn enough money to go. Anyway, I’m really looking forward to seeing the end of this school year. Not that it’s been all bad. I mean, it’s sure been different and everything (nothing like I had expected when we started classes last fall). I guess if I had the whole thing to do over I wouldn’t do it all that much differently (and that even includes Josh, because I actually think I may have learned some important lessons with him).

  So, I’ve been sitting here getting philosophical about the stuff that’s happened in my life lately. I’ve also been doing some praying, as well as reading my Bible. I know, it probably sounds like I’m becoming a real fanatic religious freak, which I am not. But I am falling more in love with Jesus all the time. I can’t even explain it, but I know that it’s very real—and it’s pretty cool.

  And suddenly I’m hit with this really radical, and somewhat awesome, idea. I think it’s coming from God. But before I write down another word about it, I want to take some time to really pray and consider what’s going on here. I just want to make sure I’m really hearing God’s voice speaking to me, and not my own. Although I seriously doubt that I’d come up with an idea like this by myself. No, I’m pretty sure this is a God thing (Clay used to use that little phrase a lot).

  (Later the same night)

  So anyway, I went outside for a while and I just walked around the neighborhood, enjoying the soft twilight (the sun had just set and the western horizon was glowing all rosy and pink, and the eastern sky looked like a smooth piece of smoky blue velveteen rolling out). Anyway, I was just walking and praying and thinking about this idea that has just hit me, and finally I decided this must be of God. And for that reason I’m going to act on it. I guess I’d have to call this another conviction (my second one so far) although it kind of seems like something more than that too. I guess it’s like a conviction with a commitment attached to it.

  It has occurred to me today that it’s definitely God’s will for me to remain a virgin until the day I marry (that is if I ever marry—and who knows?). And so, on this day (May 26) I am making a vow to God to totally abstain from having sex until my wedding day. I know some girls have made these really public vows about this very same thing, but somehow (to me, anyway) it seems like this should be a very private moment between a person and God (not that I won’t
share this with anyone who wants to know) but for me it seems more special to make this promise with only me and God present—and then to record it in writing in my diary (just in case I should ever forget, which I’m sure I never, never will!).

  SO, RIGHT NOW, I PROMISE YOU, ALMIGHTY GOD, THAT I WILL REMAIN FAITHFUL TO THIS COMMITMENT. I WILL NOT HAVE SEX AND I WILL REMAIN A VIRGIN UNTIL MY WEDDING DAY (IF THERE EVER IS ONE). I TRULY BELIEVE THIS IS SOMETHING YOU HAVE LED ME TO DO. AND I THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME ENOUGH TO DIRECT ME LIKE THIS. MY HEART AND MY BODY BELONG TO YOU, DEAR LORD. AMEN.

  (even later that night)

  Okay, I’m really glad I did this, and this is a day I think I will always remember (almost as significant as the day I invited Jesus into my heart). I guess I should be thankful I kept a diary this year—I mean, some of the best moments of my life lie within these very pages (yes, and I suppose some of the worst are here too).

  But I’m not stupid, and I have no doubts that keeping this kind of a commitment won’t be easy (especially when it seems that just about everyone I know has had, or is having, sex these days). But with God’s help I’m sure I can keep my promise. Which brings me to the second part of this whole thing. While I was walking around my neighborhood, it occurred to me that dating really puts a girl in some pretty compromising situations (well, guys too, I guess). It seems to me that once you’re out on a date and all alone with a guy (especially someone you feel really romantic about) it’s only natural that you end up kissing, and then, of course, one thing easily leads to another. And before you know what’s happened, temptation is furiously beating on your door, and everything just turns into one great, big mess.