On My Own Page 13

  I shook my head.

  “Nope, no one can.”

  “God can.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Then why hasn't He?”

  “Because like you said He doesn't control you, any more than He controlled Glen. He wants you to come to Him and ask for His help.”

  “Well, I don't think I can do that.”

  “Are you happy with your life, Liz?”

  She stood up now. “Happy? What is happy anyway? I'm alive, aren't I? That's something. I survived this. Now let's just forget we ever talked about this stuff. I mean, I suppose it's been somewhat therapeutic–maybe–I'm not even sure about that. And I know you're just trying to help, Caitlin. But you have to accept that you can't fix me.”

  “I know. I know. And I can't save you either. But I can be your friend, if you let me, that is. I can care about you.”

  I noticed her chin tremble again. “Yeah. And despite how I act, I really do appreciate that.”

  Then I stood up and gave her a hug. “Somehow I think everything's going to turn out just great for you, Liz. But I really believe things won't get better until you let God back into your life.”

  She rolled her eyes at me again. “Why am I not surprised that you would say that?” But even as she said it, I didn't sense the same hostility as before.

  “Can I say one more thing?”

  She shrugged. “Can I stop you?”

  “Well, just for the record, I believe that Glen was an unfortunate exception among pastors. And I feel certain that nothing like that will happen in my church because both the pastor and youth pastor have what they call an ‘open door policy’–they don't meet behind closed doors with anyone of the opposite sex.”

  She seemed to consider this. “That's probably smart.”

  As I stepped back I realized that I also had tears running down my cheeks. “To think all this was the result of that innocent-looking little lamb.”

  She laughed. “Yeah, who'd have thought?”

  “Well, I should probably get back to my packing. My friends are coming down pretty soon to help me start hauling stuff upstairs.”

  “So, I guess you really want to move then?”

  I shrugged. “Like I said, I wasn't totally sure which was best. But I sort of assumed you'd be glad to get rid of me.”

  “What if I promised to try really hard to be nicer?”

  Now I laughed. “No offense, but is that a promise you can really keep?”

  “Well, I know I'd been accused of being the wicked withc of the dorm last year …but I think I really brought out all of my artillery with you, Caitlin. I mean, as soon as I realized you were a Christian, I thought, man, am I gonna just let her have it! And I did too. Even Rachel couldn't believe how horrible I was to you. But the truth is, it never made me feel a bit better. It seemed as if it only made it easier to get meaner and coldhearted with everyone else too. And eventually it started to feel like my whole life was literally caving in on me.”

  “So do you really think it'll be different now?”

  “Oh, I don't know …it's not as if I plan on living like a Christian again. Can you accept that?”

  “Well, no one can force you to live like a Christian–that's got to come from your heart. But I guess it would make me feel better if we could agree on some rules for sharing this room.”

  “Well, what would it take?”

  So I went over the basic things that Jessica and I had discussed, and to my surprise, Liz agreed to them all.

  “Are you sure?”

  She nodded. “Yeah. It'll be good for me too. My grades aren't looking too good this term. I need to get serious about school again.”

  “I stuck out my hand. “Okay, it's a deal then.”

  “Deal.”

  Then I groaned.

  “What's wrong?”

  “Now I've got to go break the news to Jessica.”

  She laughed. “If you think that's going to be bad, just imagine what it would've been like to live with her.”

  I made a face. “Sorry, Liz, but I don't think anyone could ever match your act.”

  She gently punched me in the arm. “You know, I'm liking you more and more.”

  So then I went up and told Jessica about my change in plans.

  “I can't believe you.” Her voice got high and shrill. “We had an agreement, Caitlin, and now you've put me in a really bad position. Who am I going to get in here at the last minute like this? I could get stuck with just anyone.”

  “Look, I'm sorry. It's just the way things went.”

  “You're seriously going to keep rooming with that creepy Liz Banks?”

  I nodded.

  “I guess I'm lucky then, because you must be one crazy chick yourself!” Then she actually slammed the door in my face.

  So I went next door and told Kim and Lindsey about my decision. And although they were somewhat incredulous, they proved much more understanding than Jessica when I explained some of the details.

  “We'll sure be praying for you,” said Kim as she walked me down the hall.

  “And for Liz,” I reminded her.

  “Yeah, you can count on that.”

  And so that's the plan for next term. Okay, call me a perennial optimist or a silly fool, but I think it's going to be much better than fall term. And who knows what God might do with Liz. I know that hearing her story gives me tons more compassion for her. I can't imagine what I would be like if I'd gone through the same sort of thing. Then again, I like to think I never would've gotten into that place, but you never know. You just never know.

  FIFTEEN

  Monday, December 16 (home sweet home)

  Ann, so good to be home. It's like having a vacation except that I'm trying to not be too much of a bum since my mon's pretty worn out from all the Christmas hoopla they've been having at her school. I've even agreed to dress up like an elf and make a surprise visit to their Christmas (oops, they don't call it that) Winter Party on Friday. And I've cooked dinner twice since I've been here. But I've also enjoyed sleeping in and hanging with my old friends. Beanie's worried that she might have to transfer from the Christian college. Apparently all her scholarship and financial aid money isn't quite enough to make it through next term. While we were doing some very frugal Christmas shopping at a new thrift shop she just discovered, she told me that she's been praying for a miracle.

  “Yeah, if God wants you there, He'll make it happen.”

  “But it could be that God wants me back here with my mom,” she said kind of sadly as she checked out the workmanship of an old beaded purse. Then she bright ened. “Hey, I think she might like this.”

  “How's Lynn doing?”

  “Okay, actually. You wouldn't believe her place. Oh, it's not exactly spotless, I mean, you know how she is, but she actually did some straightening up for me and put fresh sheets on my bed–that's a first! And she even put out some funky looking Christmas decorations.”

  “That's so sweet.”

  Beanie frowned. “Yeah, I know. But even so I find myself wishing she could've done stuff like that when I was little–it would've meant so much more then. I mean, sure, it's nice and everything, but it kind of feels like too little too late. And isn't that totally selfish of me?”

  “It's probably a natural way to feel.”

  She shrugged. “Well, I guess I just need to remember what the real meaning of Christmas is. I mean, if you think about how Jesus came into this world–being born in a stinking stable–I really can't complain about Lynn's housekeeping.” She laughed.

  Then she helped me find some earrings and a bracelet for only five bucks that I know Steph will absolutely die for. Beanie is so amazing when it comes to thrift store finds!

  Tonight she and Jenny and I are going out to dinner (Jenny's treat!) then to the Christmas concert at our church. We invited Anna, but she has a date with Joel Johnson. While we were making cutout cookies at my house, yesterday, Beanie told me that she thinks they're really getting serious now.
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  “Does that bother you anymore?”

  She laughed. “No. In fact, Joel came to visit her on campus a couple weeks ago, and he and I had a nice little chat–just friends, of course.”

  “Good. How's he doing?”

  “Sounds as if he's doing fine. He's even thinking about transferring to our college. He said he'd like to be in a more Christian environment, but I wonder if it isn't also to be closer to Anna.”

  “Really? Do you think that would be good?”

  “I don't know. Anna's still pretty head over heels about him. Sheesh, she even talks about marriage–

  “Marriage! She's only eighteen!”

  “Nineteen,” Beanie corrected me. “She turned nineteen last month.”

  “Still, can you imagine getting married this young?”

  Beanie got a kind of dreamy look in her eyes. “Maybe.”

  “Maybe?” I gave her a shove, like to wake her up. “Are you nuts?”

  She frowned at me. “Some people get married young and make it just fine.”

  I rolled my eyes at her. “I sure don't know of any.” Then I studied her closely. “Just who would you consider marrying anyway, Beanie Baby?” I started to laugh. “Don't tell me you're getting interested in Danny the Drummer.”

  She socked me in the arm. “Very funny. No, for your information, we've just friends. And that's how I plan to keep it. Although I can't say the same for Jenny.”

  “So are you guys still okay?”

  “Sure.”

  “So, who were you getting all starry-eyed over now, Beanie? You can't fool me. I know there's something going on under that mop of dark curls.” We'd just put the last batch of cookies into the oven and flopped down onto the bar stools to munch on some leftover cookie dough. “Come on, tell me what's up.”

  “If you must know, Zach Streeter and I have been e-mailing each other lately.”

  “I thought you'd been doing that all along, as friends, I mean.”

  “Well, we stayed in touch for a while, then he had that girlfriend …”

  “Oh, yeah. I forgot. Did they break up?”

  She nodded.

  “And?”

  “And we've just had a nice time getting reacquainted is all.”

  “And?”

  “And–and–and?” She picked up the bowl and took it to the sink.

  “Come on, spill the beans, Beanie.”

  “And we're going out on Saturday.” She stuck her chin out defiantly.

  “You sure that's going to be okay?”

  “I knew you would do this, Caitlin.” She spun around and glared at me in a way that only Beanie can.

  “I'm sorry.” I smiled sheepishly. “Really, I am. It's just that I love you guys and–”

  “And you don't want anything bad to happen to me like it did last time.” She rinsed out the bowl. “Don't worry, Caitlin. I've grown up a lot in the last couple years. And so has Zach. If you must know, neither one of us is looking to sleep together–” she made a face–“you got that?”

  Thoroughly humbled, I nodded. “I'm sorry, Beanie. It's really none of my business.”

  “You're right.” She softened then. “Okay, I really do think it's because you love me.”

  Tuesday, December 17

  Dinner with the girls and the concert was great fun last night. But the highlight of the evening was when Chloe got up there with her guitar and did a solo number singing a beautiful Christmas song she had written. It was so good that a guy who works in the music department at the local college asked her if she's interested in recording it! Well, let me tell you, that girl was ecstatic!

  Apparently this guy knows her dad. But he also knows everything about rights to music and is willing to help make sure that no one tries to steal her song. And when he found out that it's just one of many, he was about ready to become her manager. Chloe was absolutely glowing. Not just with pride, mind you, but also from within. It's like God's light is really shining through her. And it's an interesting look too since she still likes wearing different kind of clothes and wears her hair in interesting styles and shades of colors (lately it's been tinted with magenta). Maybe it's just the artist at work in her. Whatever it is, I have a feeling God is going to use it in a big way!

  After the concert, Josh came over to say hi and we chatted for a while. I tried not to act concerned or bothered that he hasn't been too regular with his e-mails of late. And to be honest, this was for a couple of reasons: 1) I don't want him to think I expect it of him, and 2) I keep getting this strong feeling that God is wanting me to put more emotional distance between my heart and him. So I was caught slightly off guard when he asked if I would consider going to dinner with him sometime during Christmas break.

  “I …uh …I don't know,” I stammered, feeling pretty silly.

  “Don't worry, Cate,” he assured me. “It's not like a date. I just want to talk to you and thought it would be okay to share a meal together, like two friends would do.”

  “Yeah.” I smiled. “I'm sorry. It's just that I'm so used to nixing anything that even resembles a date.”

  He frowned. “What about Bryce?”

  “Bryce?”

  “Well, I've heard you still get rides home with him and that you guys go out for coffee sometimes. Doesn't that kind of resemble a date?”

  “I guess it might to a casual observer. But I've made it crystal clear to him where I stand. And I think he respects me for it.”

  “But he could be in love with you.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I'm sure he's just totally smitten.”

  “But you never know.”

  I shook my head. “If it makes you feel any better, he's never even tried so much as to hold my hand.”

  Josh nodded in a knowing way. “But sometimes your heart can get involved even when your hands are in your pockets.”

  I felt my face flush and wondered if he suspected that I was dealing with my feelings toward him again. Suddenly I wanted to bail on the dinner and run in the opposite direction, but before I could think of a graceful way to get out of it, Chloe joined us.

  “You're amazing,” I said as I gave her a quick hug. “I'm so proud of you!”

  “Thanks. I can't believe what a big deal everyone's making over it. it's just a little song.”

  “Hey, Sis,” said Josh in a big–brotherly way. “Don't knock it, or it's like you're knocking God. You've obviously got a real gift, and you need to remember that He's the one who gave it to you.”

  I glanced uneasily at her, hoping she wouldn't take it the wrong way, but to my relief she just smiled. “You know what, Josh? You're right. I need to remember to give God the glory when someone compliments me.”

  Then we all started drifting off our separate ways, and I never did get a chance to bail on dinner. Still, we never set an actual date. Maybe he'll get too busy or simply forget. Or maybe I'll come up with a good excuse.

  DEAR GOD, I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING IN REGARDS TO JOSH, BUT I'M JUST NOT COMPLETELY SURE WHAT IT IS. AND I'M NOT SURE IF IT'S RIGHT OR WRONG TO GO TO DINNER WITH HIM. MAYBE IT'S NEITHER. PLEASE SHOW ME WHAT'S BEST TO DO. THANK YOU. AMEN.

  Friday, December 20 (what's going on?)

  After putting in a long afternoon as an elf (complete with green lights and pointy hat, which I still had on), I arrived home with my mom to see a nice silver BMW parked in front of our house. “Anyone you know?” I asked Mom as I helped her carry a box full of Christmas stuff into the house.

  “Nope. Nice wheels though.”

  Well, we'd barely stepped into the house when I heard Josh's voice. “Ben let me in,” he explained quickly. “We were just playing a video game, but the phone rang and he got it.” He glanced at my strange outfit. “Cool threads, Cate.”

  “Thanks.” I set down the box.

  “Hey, Josh,” said my mom as she hung up her coat. “Long time no see. How's it going?”

  “Great.” He smiled that bright smile, and I could tell he had Mom righ
t in the palm of his hand. “Sorry to drop in like this, but I was just passing by, and your daughter promised to go out to dinner with me sometime.” He glanced at me. “And I was thinking about tonight. If you're not too busy, that is.”

  “Oh, she's not busy,” my mom answered for me, then laughed. “Sorry, Caitlin, I didn't mean to speak for you. But you've been such a good little elf today, and you already cooked dinner two times for us this week. I think you deserve a night out, don't you?”

  Well, what was I going to say? And, besides, it seemed pretty silly to pass up a perfectly good dinner with a guy who I really have enjoyed being friends with. “Sure. But do you mind if I change first?”

  “Oh, do you have to?” pleaded Josh with a twinkle in his eye. “I thought maybe I could dress up like Santa and we could get a holiday discount on our meal.”

  I laughed. “Maybe at McDonald's. Hey, is that your car out there?”

  “No way. It's my mom's latest. My Jeep's in the shop right now; she let me borrow it.”

  “Nice.”

  So I went up and changed into a burgundy sweater dress that seemed to go with his sports jacket and khakis. Then we drove to the city in his mom's really cool car to a new and rather uptown restaurant that's pretty expensive.

  “Get anything you like,” he said after, I'm sure, he noticed my eyebrows go flying up over the prices–and in some instances lack of prices–on the oversized menu.

  “What's the big occasion?” I asked.

  “Just two old friends spending some quality time together.”

  I nodded. “Okay. I can live with that. Jenny treated Beanie and me to dinner this week. I guess it's nice having all these rich friends.”

  He laughed. Then I proceeded to tell him the latest on my roommate (not all the details about the corrupt youth pastor) but mostly about the little lamb and our surprising last–minute reconciliation. I'd kept him posted off and on during the ups and downs of living with Liz, but I hadn't told him anything lately.

  “I wonder if it's really wise to keep rooming with her.”

  “I know. I was a little worried too. But she promised me that things are going to be different now.”