Becoming Me Page 14

  So, I think the only thing for me to do is to seriously consider giving up dating altogether. I have to admit that I’m not totally positive about this decision yet—and I can’t even say for sure that this is a real conviction from God (not like my vow to remain a virgin), but I do know that I’m seriously concerned as to whether dating is a very healthy thing for me to participate in, just now anyway. I mean, I suppose it’s possible that some girls can date guys without having these problems (although I can’t think of a single one offhand), but I think for me, it might simply be best to quit dating completely, at least for the time being. Man, wouldn’t my dad be totally shocked?

  Just for the record, I still want to go out and do things with groups and friends and stuff like that. And to be honest, I’m not even totally sure how I define dating, but I think it’s like when Josh and I spent time alone by ourselves, and things always seemed to get carried away. Like I said, I’m not totally sure about all this yet, and it might take some time to figure things out and see how everything plays out. But I do think it’s a step in the right direction for me, and I feel pretty good about it. And it does go well with my promise to remain a virgin.

  I think the hardest part of all this will be trying to explain it to others. I mean, I don’t want anyone to think I’ve become a nun or anything (I mean, I’m not even Catholic!). But take someone like Beanie for instance—I’m sure she’ll think I’ve totally gone off the deep end here. Maybe it’ll be best not to mention it to her right now. I’m not sure, but I think God will show me in time. One thing I’m certain of, Clay would have understood all of this, and he would’ve appreciated it too. In fact, I’m sure it’s a lot like the commitment he made to God about not having a girlfriend. I didn’t understand it at all when he told us about it. But I do now. Totally. But I’m not just making this commitment because of Clay; his life and death have certainly had a huge impact on me, but the commitments I’ve made tonight are about me and God—and that’s pretty much it.

  GOD, HELP ME NOW TO KEEP THESE COMMITMENTS TO YOU. I KNOW WHERE I AM WEAKEST, AND I ADMIT TO YOU THAT I’M REALLY AFRAID THAT I WILL FAIL. THIS IS A BIG STEP FOR ME—I REALLY, REALLY NEED YOUR HELP! AMEN.

  TWENTY

  May 27, Sunday (a new friend)

  I had a really great day today. Youth group was good with lots of people sharing amazing things that God’s been doing in their lives just recently. It’s really cool—kind of like God is just pouring himself out over all of us! It made us wonder if Clay’s not up there right now asking God to take special care of us. Whatever it is, it’s absolutely fantastic!

  I even felt like it was okay to share with the group about last night’s commitment to God (I felt slightly self-conscious, but I think I needed to say it out loud—kind of like a public confession or something), and anyway I know there were a couple kids in there who were really listening and thinking about the whole thing (including Andrea LeMarsh). Beanie and Zach weren’t there today (probably stayed up too late with the prom and all), but maybe that’s why I felt more free to share. Not that I won’t tell Beanie about this; I just don’t want her to take it all wrong, like I’m judging her or something—because I’m not. I mean, it’s not hard to understand why she’s decided that having sex is okay. For one thing she is totally in love with Zach (and I have to admit, he seems a lot more thoughtful and mature than Josh in some ways). But add to that how Beanie’s mom never seems to care about what she does; and then look at the example that Lynn sets in her own life. So, you see, I’m really not judging Beanie. I just don’t want to see her get hurt, is all. And I admit I’m worried about her.

  Anyway, after youth group, Andrea invited me to go to the mall with her. We had fun hanging out together. I’ve discovered there’s a lot more to this girl than meets the eye. I must admit that when I first met her, I thought she was (let’s see, what’s the right word) haughty maybe. I think it might just be because she has really good posture (which she informs me is due to many years of ballet lessons). She’s actually quite pretty, but she doesn’t dress in the latest fashion, and her hair is long and usually pulled back in a long ponytail. I guess she’s what you’d call a classic. Kind of like Audrey Hepburn (and I just love old Audrey Hepburn movies).

  Even though Andrea and I are quite different, we seem to get along just fine. And I think that’s because of God. Andrea told me today that ever since Clay died, she’s been getting closer to God too. She’d been really struggling with everything before that (like, remember the time I saw her at that drinking party, and she was acting sort of snooty). Well, it turns out she was in a situation very similar to mine, only the guy she was dating didn’t even call himself a Christian. So, anyway, she’s broken it off with him too. But she told me today that she is still a virgin. Now, I must admit that surprised me because I was feeling like I might be the only one left and something of an oddity. She said that all her friends at McFadden thought she was sleeping with her old boyfriend, but that for some reason she had never done it. Now she’s really relieved that she didn’t and is seriously considering making the exact same commitment to God that I did last night.

  I told her that this decision was between her and God, but that I was really, really glad that I’d done it. I mean, it just makes me feel so free and totally at ease (and it takes the pressure off) to realize that I don’t have to struggle with those questions anymore. I feel like I’ll be able to focus even more on the things that really do matter, like God, for instance, and friends, and even school! Andrea said she’s going to pray about it. And she said if she does follow through on this that maybe we can start a little club (she was joking, I think, but who knows?). Maybe it’s not such a bad idea after all.

  May 29, Tuesday (making plans)

  Today there was a lot of talk about the prom and all the happenings connected with it. Interestingly enough, several couples seemed to be having some “technical difficulties”—including Josh and Jenny. She was really in a snit about something today (and she didn’t seem to be talking to Josh at all). I can’t help but wonder…although I really don’t want to hear about it. Anyway, she and I still talk occasionally, and sometimes I think if Josh had never come into the picture (or if Jenny wasn’t so wrapped up with her popular friends) we might still be friends. Or maybe not. But, anyway, I try to be nice to her. And I think she appreciates that.

  At track practice (this is our last week before district), I noticed that Josh seemed to be hanging around me a bit. I know, it might just be my imagination. It’s not like he and I don’t talk anymore, because we do exchange a chilly but civilized greeting upon occasion (which is more than enough for me, thank you very much!). But for some reason he seemed to be lurking around the high jump pit a lot today. Coach Reynolds told me to only concentrate on high jumping for this upcoming meet (since my long jump hasn’t been too spectacular lately). And the high jump pit is on the other end of the field, so I don’t know why Josh kept hanging around. But if he thinks there’s any chance of us getting back together, I’d be happy to set him straight—and fast! Oh, I wouldn’t be rude, but I’d make it very, very clear.

  That’s another reason I’m so glad about the commitment I made to God, otherwise I might find an opportunity like this quite tempting. And now it’s really not. Okay, maybe just a little… But because I’ve already made this decision, it’s almost like I don’t really have to deal with it that much. It just kind of frees me up. Anyway, after practicing for about an hour I left school and went over to my dad’s office (Mom let me use her car today). I went to the ad agency to apply for that job Dad had mentioned last week. It felt kind of funny being there (after the last time when I found out about Belinda, who, I’ve since heard through Aunt Steph, has thankfully moved away). I wore an outfit that looked pretty grown up and mature and I carefully filled out my application (with my best printing) and then had a quick interview with the receptionist. She seems pretty nice, and says she has too much to do and needs some part-time help. Then she sent m
e up to talk to the personnel director, which gave me hope—like maybe I passed the first test. Anyway, I’ll know in about a week. I prayed about the whole thing and decided not to worry about it.

  Aunt Steph said if I didn’t get a job there, she’d be glad to hire me to baby-sit Oliver during the summer, but I think I’d rather flip burgers or pump gas. (Not that Oliver is so bad—he’s actually kind of sweet—but I’ve spent enough other summers baby-sitting, and I’d like to move up a little now). Still, if that was my only way to make enough money to go on the Mexico trip, I’d probably do it just the same.

  While I’m on the subject of Aunt Steph, I must mention this latest little development (which Steph says is absolutely nothing, but I’m not so sure). It seems that Pastor Tony stopped by her work last week and invited her to lunch. Now Steph swears that he does this with lots of people in the congregation, but I’m not totally convinced. After all, I’ve seen him playing with Oliver after church, and well, you just never know. But I’m thinking isn’t it just totally amazing to consider where Stephie was only a year ago, and where she is now. It’s mind-boggling. But God could do something like that. I’m sure of it!

  I didn’t see Beanie at school or even at track practice today. Zach was there but not talking much; I think he’s concentrating on this upcoming meet (he wants to qualify for state). So I called Beanie at home tonight, but her mom said she didn’t know where she was. Then I prayed for her. I feel worried that something may be wrong.

  May 30, Wednesday (trouble brewing?)

  I’m pretty sure that Beanie is either avoiding me or that something is troubling her. I saw her at school this morning and called out, but she just kept walking, looking at her feet as she went. Then I didn’t see her anywhere at lunch, but I spotted Zach and went to see if he knew what was up. He told me that they’d agreed to spend a little less time together until he finished up track season. It’s important for him to do his best because he has a good chance of getting a college sports scholarship out of it.

  But then after school, Beanie didn’t even show up for track practice again, and Coach Reynolds asked me what was up with her. I said I didn’t know, but he said now that she’s missed three practices she can’t compete in the meet on Friday. Somehow I don’t think she’ll really care. I tried to call her again tonight, but this time no one answered. I left a message, but I doubt that she’ll call me. I think the next time I see her I better just go tackle her or something. I really do miss her. I suppose she’s just down in the dumps because she and Zach are cooling it for the time being, but I think it’s understandable. I know a college scholarship is really important to him. And I’d think that Beanie would understand that too. Then again, I know how insecure she is; she might be taking this too hard.

  May 31, Thursday (poor Beanie)

  I finally cornered Beanie and demanded that she talk to me. She reluctantly agreed to see me tonight, and I went over to her house after dinner (since she refused to leave; I think she expected Zach to call or something—which he did not). Anyway, her house was a mess (as usual), or perhaps worse than usual because Beanie usually straightens it when she thinks someone’s coming over—it was apparent she didn’t clean it for me (and her mother never, and I mean never, cleans it up).

  Her mom wasn’t home tonight so we sat in their tiny kitchen (amid the squalor which was pretty disgusting) and I asked Beanie what was up. She just shrugged and said nothing. So I persisted. I told her I knew something was wrong, and I was pretty sure it had to do with Zach, and that since I thought I was still her best friend (even though I blew it a few months last winter) that she owed me some kind of explanation for the chill treatment she’d been giving me lately. Then she began to cry. I don’t just mean quiet tears; I mean horrible, gut-wrenching, heaving sobs.

  I felt so horrible. In the first place, Beanie is (and always has been) one of the toughest girls I know. In middle school she got beat up once, by three girls who said they were in a gang, and she never even shed a tear. But now there she was, sitting at their messy little plastic-topped kitchen table, just literally crying her eyes out. And I didn’t know what to do. So I just sat there watching dumbly and praying silently. I finally got up and searched for a slightly clean glass and filled it with water, set it in front of her, then wrapped my arms around her and held her while she cried some more. I think I was crying then too, although I wasn’t even sure why, except that my friend was hurting. Finally, she stopped and began to take little sips of the water. Still I waited. And then she told me.

  Beanie is afraid that she is pregnant. Oh man, I did not know what to say to that. I just sat there in shock, wondering what in the world a seventeen-year-old girl does when she’s pregnant. I mean, both Beanie and I are hugely opposed to abortion (we even participated in a Right to Life parade once in middle school). So anyway, I didn’t know what to say. Finally I asked if her mother knew. She said no. Then I asked if Zach knew (of course I know Zach must be the father). But again she said no. That’s when I realized I was the first person she’d told this to. Poor Beanie—what a huge load to carry all alone. So, I asked her if she’d taken a pregnancy test or anything, and she said she was too scared to, but that she thought she had all the typical symptoms (like upset stomach and, of course, missing her period).

  Well, it was just too much to take in, but I think that silent prayer must’ve worked and that God was helping me to speak because the next thing I said was, “Beanie, it doesn’t matter if you’re pregnant; God still loves you and so do I. And even though you’re feeling so miserable right now, I just know that good is going to come out of this somehow. And no matter what, I’m going to stand by you and be your friend. Do you understand that?” She nodded. Then I said, “I know Zach will stand by you too. He’s a good guy.” Again she nodded and we hugged.

  She told me that the reason she hadn’t mentioned it to Zach was so he could focus on his track—and hopefully make it to state. “That means you can’t tell him for two weeks,” I said. “How will you manage to keep it from him that long?” She wasn’t sure, but she was determined she would. Right then I think I admired Beanie more than ever. I mean, here she was suffering (and it had as much to do with Zach as her) and yet, in a way she was protecting him so that he could do his best in track. I asked her what her mom would think, and again she just shrugged. “Who knows?” she finally said. “You can never tell. She might just pretend like it’s nothing, or she might go through the roof.”

  Suddenly, I just wanted to rescue Beanie from all this. I mean, she and I have always talked about how we’ll get an apartment together when we’re out of school. But I wondered if she could even last that long. And that’s when I thought of Aunt Steph (as well as her need for a baby-sitter).

  So, I told Beanie I had this idea; it might not work, but it was worth a try. Then I called Aunt Steph and just basically told her the whole story. Now some people would be put off hearing about a high school girl getting pregnant and everything, but Aunt Steph was so cool about it. Without even pausing, she said, “Why doesn’t Beanie just come live with me for a while? If she likes it and wants to baby-sit Oliver during summer, then great. And if not, we’ll just part as friends. Do you think she’d like that?” I wished I could’ve hugged Aunt Steph right over the phone, but I told her I’d check with Beanie and call her right back.

  Well, to make a long story short, I helped Beanie pack her stuff, waited while she wrote her mom a note, then drove her over to Steph’s place. I know it’s not such a big thing, but somehow I think it encouraged Beanie, and Steph seemed really glad to help out. Even if it’s just for a little while, it might give Beanie some time to think and to sort out her life. And I know Steph is a good influence right now (not to mention understanding).

  So tonight I’m going to bed with very mixed feelings: 1) I’m terribly upset and worried about Beanie, but 2) I think she’s in good hands with Steph, and 3) I just hope I can keep my mouth shut where Zach is concerned, at least until track seaso
n is over.

  And, not that I’m gloating (because I most certainly am not) but at the same time I am so enormously thankful that God showed me how much I needed to make that vow to him—and I do realize that I could very easily be in Beanie’s shoes, and I thank God I am not. Just the same, I mean what I said tonight: I will definitely stick by her through it all. No matter what.

  TWENTY-ONE

  June 1, Friday (district meet)

  I placed third in high jump today (not too bad, all things considered). After my event was finished I hung with Beanie who was being brave and cheering Zach on, who, by the way, outdid himself. Zach took first in two races and second in one. Poor Josh didn’t even place. I was glad for Zach (although at the same time slightly perturbed that Beanie was bearing her troubles alone). But when Zach wanted to take us out to celebrate, I started to decline until I saw the pleading look in Beanie’s eyes and realized that this was part of standing by her, and so I agreed.

  Now if I had realized that meant Josh was joining us too, I might have said forget it. Not that we were having a date (at least not in my mind), but it felt a little like it just the same since I had to sit in back with Josh. But instead of getting all worked up, I just turned and asked him what Jenny was doing tonight. He made a glum face and said they were’nt getting along too well just now, and that he didn’t know why he’d ever gotten back together with her (which I hoped wasn’t a lame try to regain my affections!). Just the same, I didn’t make any more inquiries, but instead tried to focus my attention on Zach and how well he’d run his races today. I think that made Beanie happy, and somehow I managed to survive our little celebration dinner.