It's My Life Read online

  She looked right at me and I could see her eyes filling with tears again. “Well, maybe you can guess what it is. That wouldn't exactly be telling you.”

  “Okay,” I began, ready for the game. “Let's see, it's a secret. Does it have to do with Zach?”

  She shook her head, then brightened a little. “But I did get a letter from him this week.”

  “Good. Okay then, is it your mom?”

  “Well, not exactly, but it might involve her.”

  Hmm, now she had me wondering, but I still felt stumped. “Beanie, can't you give me some sort of clue or anything?”

  “Well, it's something I should be happy about.”

  I studied her for a moment, then it came to me. “It's about Steph, isn't it?”

  She kind of shrugged, but I could tell I'd hit pay dirt.

  “Steph and Tony are engaged, aren't they?”

  “You didn't hear it from me.” Then she looked at me with pleading eyes. “Please, don't tell anyone. Not your mom or anyone. They're going to make an official announcement in church tomorrow so everyone will hear it at the same time.”

  I smiled. “That's so great! But now, why are you so upset about it? Don't tell me you've developed some kind of schoolgirl crush on Tony and you're getting all jealous now?”

  She sort of laughed. “Yeah, you bet. No, it's just that I'd hoped I could live with Steph until graduation.”

  I nodded. “Okay, I get it now. So you're getting all worried that you'll have to move back home.”

  “Yeah. Please don't breathe a word of this, but they plan to get married fairly soon, maybe even during Thanksgiving weekend.”

  “Oh.” I thought a moment. “But Beanie, you know you could come live with us.”

  She looked at me skeptically. “Thanks, Cate, but you know your parents don't really like me all that much.”

  “That's not true,” I argued. “I mean, there was a time when they weren't that crazy over you, but that's all changed.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, like when? Maybe it was when I got pregnant. I'm sure I really impressed them then. Or maybe it was when I got so depressed–”

  “Beanie, my parents have changed lately.”

  She kind of laughed. “Yeah, like when you were telling me they were trying to run your life last week.”

  “But you sided with them,” I said accusingly, still feeling the sting of her choosing them over me.

  “Not really. I was just pretty upset because Steph had told me about the whole engagement thing. And I suppose I was feeling jealous that you have decent parents who actually care enough about you to try to tell you how to live.” She sighed deeply. “Now that's a problem I wouldn't mind having.”

  Suddenly I felt just totally horrible for having been upset with her on Sunday. “I'm so sorry, Beanie. I wish I'd known all this then. I can see how tough this must be for you.”

  “I just don't want to move back with my mom.”

  “Beanie, I'm serious, you can move in with us. I'll gladly share my room with you and everything.”

  “I appreciate it, but it's not really your decision, Caitlin, now is it? And I hate putting that kind of pressure on your parents. I've sensed their disapproval in the past. I'd just hate it if they played the ‘good Christians’ and let me come live there but were unhappy about it underneath. You know what I mean?”

  “Yes. But I think I could talk to them honestly and figure this all out first. And I wouldn't encourage you to live with us if I felt they really didn't want it.” Then another possibility occurred to me. “You know, Beanie, I've been saving a lot of money from my job. I wonder if we both worked, if we might possibly be able to afford a place of our own.”

  She laughed. “Do you know how much even a cheap apartment costs? And then we'd have utilities and food, and I just couldn't ask you to do that, Caitlin. I mean, you're set just fine. I'm the one who needs a place.”

  “And you wouldn't consider staying with Steph and Tony? I'm sure they'd welcome–”

  She held up her hands. “Steph already said as much. But I said forget it. I refuse to live with newlyweds. I told Steph I'd still come baby-sit for her so she and Tony could enjoy going out and stuff, but I will NOT live with them.”

  “Yeah, I can kind of understand. But please, at least let me talk to my parents. You might be surprised at how they really think of you.”

  “Sure, go ahead and ask. I'm sure not in any hurry to ask my mom. She's got a new boyfriend who's living at her house right now. I've seen his motorcycle parked there at all times of the day, which makes me suspect that he doesn't even have a job.”

  “Poor Lynn. She really ought to improve her taste in men.”

  Beanie laughed sarcastically. “Or just give them up altogether.”

  After lunch we walked around the mall for a while and picked out a book to take to Jenny, then we headed over to West Haven. But when we got there, her mom and dad were in there talking to her, and the nurse said we'd have to wait. So we waited and waited and even considered leaving, but then I thought if her parents were making it hard on her, she might appreciate seeing us, even if only for a few minutes before visiting hours ended. Then just before five, her mom and dad left without even acknowledging us, and then we were allowed into the day room.

  Jenny seemed slightly upset, but she smiled to see us coming toward her. And we both hugged her and gave her the book.

  “Thanks so much for coming,” she said. “I suppose you saw my parents leaving just now.” She shook her head then sat down. “Now I sure could've gotten by without that little visit.”

  “Jenny,” exclaimed Beanie cheerfully. “You look so good! Are you feeling better now?”

  Jenny nodded. “Yes, I've actually been able to eat, not to mention keep down real food this week. My shrink is so pleased with me.”

  “Caitlin told me that you've become a Christian,” said Beanie quietly. “I think that's so cool.”

  “Yeah, me too. Unfortunately, my mom thinks I'm totally losing it.”

  “But isn't she glad you're eating again and getting better?” I asked. “I would think she'd be so relieved that she'd be glad you're a Christian.”

  Jenny laughed, but her eyes looked sad. “Well, you'd think so. But according to my shrink, my mom is a real control freak, and anything I do outside of her wishes will probably upset her.”

  “What did your shrink think about you becoming a Christian?” I asked with real curiosity (thinking about the project I'm doing with Trent).

  “He's not a Christian himself, but he thought it was great because it was helping me to get better.”

  “Good for him.”

  We talked until about five-fifteen, and then a nurse came and told us it was time to leave. We hugged Jenny again and told her we'd try to return tomorrow for a longer visit. Then I asked if I could bring her anything.

  “Remember that chocolate cheesecake?” she said as the nurse was shooing us toward the door.

  I laughed. “You bet! I'll bring enough for all of us.” I glanced over to where that same strange girl was sitting, then added, “and then some.”

  “Thanks,” she called as the door shut behind us, the lock bolting into place.

  Beanie seemed in much better spirits after that, and I even told her about my plans to meet Trent in the library this evening. She gave me a curious glance, then said, “I've seen him around school. He's not too difficult to look at, if you ask me.”

  “Want to come join us?” I offered, unsure of whether I wanted her there or not, and just thinking that thought trouble me a little.

  “Yeah, it'd be fun, but I promised Steph I'd watch Oliver tonight. The two lovebirds are going out to celebrate their secret engagement.”

  “Well, they might as well enjoy their secrecy now because it sounds like it'll be all over with by tomorrow.”

  So now I'll get to the part of my day that's a little confusing, to me anyway. I met with Trent as planned. We worked on our project for a
little while, but the main librarian kept telling us to “Shhh!” so finally we just left and headed over to Starbucks where we could make as much noise as we liked. We ended up just talking. And I must admit it was fun. I refuse to lie about it–something about being in a coffee shop and talking to a good-looking guy is an altogether enjoyable experience. Yet at the same time, I feel guilty for enjoying myself. Like, did I think I was out on a date? No, not really. We drove separate cars, I bought my own café mocha, and we never touched. So, is that a date? I don't think so. But I'm not totally sure. And the reason I'm not sure is because I really like Trent. I like talking with him. I like his laugh. I like looking at him. And that's what got me worried.

  And I can tell he likes being with me. In fact, when it was all said and done, he says, “Too bad you don't like to date, Caitlin.”

  To which I say, “It has nothing to do with liking to date. I just choose not to date because I believe that's what God has shown me is best for me.” Now, I'd already explained this whole thing to him once before, and he seemed to understand, but I think what he meant now was that he wanted to ask me out. So I think I made myself perfectly clear.

  Then we just said good-bye and parted ways, and that's when I started to actually question my commitment to God about not dating, thinking how an innocent evening like this couldn't really hurt anything. And, let me tell you, that really bugs me a lot! I'm thinking, there I go and make this big promise to God just a few months ago, and then some good-looking guy comes along, and BAM, I start second-guessing myself and my commitment.

  Sheesh, how shallow is that?

  So when I got home, I came up here and turned back in my diary and carefully read what I actually wrote about dating and boys and sex and everything. A good reminder! And what I believe God showed me then is still completely right for now. And so I think I'm back on track. But it really troubles me to see how easily I might get derailed. I know I'm human, but I thought I was stronger than this. And, sheesh, Trent isn't even a Christian! Although I do believe he's searching. For sure, I plan on praying for him and continuing to share my faith. And I'm thinking if Jenny Lambert can get saved, well then so can Trent Ziegler! In fact, I may just ask Jenny tomorrow if I can tell him about her.

  DEAR GOD, PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR QUESTIONING A VOW I MADE TO YOU. I KNOW YOU HAVE SHOWN ME THAT DATING, FOR ME, IS A PROBLEM. I ADMIT I AM WEAK IN THIS AREA. BUT THE BIBLE SAYS THAT YOU CAN BE STRONG IN MY WEAKNESS, AND SO I GIVE MY WEAKNESS TO YOU. I AKS THAT YOU WILL USE ME TO SHOW TRENT WHAT YOU'RE REALLY ABOUT, IN THE SAME WAY THAT I BELIEVE YOU USED ME TO REACH OUT TO JENNY. I THANK YOU FOR WHAT I LEARNED TONIGHT. I THANK YOU THAT YOU ARE WORTH FAR MORE TO ME THAN A DOZEN TRENTS OR JOSHS OR EVEN CLAYS (AND YOU KNOW HOW SPECIAL CLAY IS!). SO PLEASE DON'T EVER GIVE UP ON ME, GOD. I MAY BE STUPID SOMETIMES, BUT I'M REALLY TRYING. AMEN!

  NINETEEN

  Sunday, October 21 (busy day)

  Pastor Tony invited Steph up to the pulpit today, then he made his “little” announcement and the whole church just clapped and cheered. And I will never forget the look on Aunt Steph's face. I'm sure I've never seen her look so completely and blissfully happy. And when I think of all she's been through in the past several years, I am so amazed at how much God has done in her life. It's miraculous really. I'm just so totally glad for her, and I must admit, a little proud too (nieces can be proud of aunts!).

  Mom was so jazzed that she threw a small impromptu engagement party for them, just family and close friends, but it was fun. And as I was helping her get things set up beforehand, I mentioned how upset Beanie was to think she'd be going back to live with Lynn. And Mom said that was too bad, but at least Beanie would graduate next spring and then be able to move on. Well, I wanted to bring up the subject of Beanie living here, but the timing seemed a little off, and remembering what happened at the Chinese restaurant (another case of bad timing, I think), I decided to just cool my jets and wait a while.

  Besides, Beanie had seemed to be in pretty good spirits today when we went to visit Jenny. Thankfully, this time Jenny's parents weren't there. In fact, they never even came at all today. Jenny said they're like that. “They just come when they want to and never tell me exactly when to expect them or not to. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a great, big inconvenience to them, not to mention an embarrassment of late.”

  Well, I for one was relieved not to have them around. And with Beanie making a little drum roll on the table, I opened the pink bakery box containing a whole chocolate cheesecake and Jenny actually licked her lips.

  “Okay, I've been a really good girl,” she said cheerfully. “And I'm eating their food, which is no small feat considering how it tastes like mushy cardboard and is generally pretty darn disgusting. So believe me when I say this looks fabulous, dawling.”

  Beanie located a helpful nurse's aid who quickly rounded up some paper plates and forks (and was rewarded with a piece of cheesecake). Then I looked over to where that strange girl was sitting once again (and I'm thinking she's probably about our age, maybe older; it's hard to tell since she acts sort of childish). But anyway, I asked her if she'd like a piece. She nodded shyly and came over to the table.

  “Hi, Rachel,” said Jenny in a friendly voice. “These are my friends, Caitlin and Beanie.” Rachel just nodded, took her cheesecake with both hands, then returned to her exact same spot on the couch to eat it.

  “It must be hard being here,” said Beanie as she took her piece.

  “Yeah,” said Jenny. “I mean, at first it was totally horrible, nightmarish even. I even felt like I must be crazy too. I figured that most everyone in here was. But lately I've gotten to know a few of them, and they're really not all that bad. Sure, like me, they have their problems and phobias and stuff, but they're really not totally nuts, not all of them anyway. In fact, in a weird way, it's kind of interesting being here now.”

  “Yeah, well, it's not your everyday experience,” I said, taking a bite.

  “And I've taken your advice, Caitlin, and I've started journaling. My shrink thinks it's great therapy, and I guess it kind of helps me to see everything in a different light.”

  “Yeah,” I agreed. “My diary came in handy last night when I started second-guessing myself about my nondating rule.”

  “See!” said Beanie, pointing at me triumphantly. “I told you meeting Trent last night would be pushing it.”

  ”Trent?” asked Jenny with a suspicious raised brow.

  Then I explained to her about our psychology project and how we'd nearly gotten ourselves thrown out of the library, and then talking at Starbucks until late and everything.

  “I had Trent in my biology class last year, and I must admit he caught my eye too. But since he wasn't exactly involved with my group–“she made a fake gagging sound–“well, I just never looked at him too seriously. Pretty dumb, huh?”

  “I guess.” I set down my fork. “But he's a really nice guy, and I honestly think he's searching for God in his own way although he does call himself an atheist.”

  Jenny laughed. “You've got to watch out for those ones who call themselves atheists.” She pointed to herself. “They're usually the ones who are searching the hardest.”

  “Yeah.” I laughed. “I remember when Josh told me that you were an atheist last year. I'd almost forgotten about that.”

  “Well, that's what I liked to claim. But I think what I was really doing was just begging someone to step up and prove me wrong. I think I wanted to believe in God but just couldn't. So I made this big deal of calling myself an atheist, just hoping someone would set me straight.”

  “That's interesting,” said Beanie. “You know, my mom makes a big deal about not believing in God too. She always made fun of me for going to church and stuff. And she really loved arguing with me about religion. It used to drive me nuts.”

  “Sounds familiar,” said Jenny as she licked the last creamy bite from her fork. “Thanks, Cate, that cheesecake was superb.”

  We stayed there until five again,
just talking and joking. Then I asked Jenny how much longer she'd need to be in here.

  “Good question.” She rolled eyes. “On one hand, I think I'm well enough to go home, but on the other hand, the idea of living at home with my mom constantly on my case is kind of scary.” Her voice grew quiet. “I mean, what if I start doing it again?”

  “But aren't you all better now?” asked Beanie.

  “My shrink says some people never get completely over this. And even if I get released, I'll still need to go to weekly counseling and then into some sort of support group.”

  “So do you think he'll be releasing you soon?”

  “I think so.” Then her eyes grew sad. “And it's not like I really love it here or anything, but in a way it does feel safe and secure. I'm just afraid I might not be ready to go home yet.”

  “Wouldn't it be cool,” said Beanie suddenly, “if we could all three get a place of our own to share.”

  “Yeah, sure,” said Jenny sarcastically. “Like maybe we should all go out and start buying lottery tickets or something.”

  “Yeah, it's just a stupid idea.” Beanie looked slightly chastised.

  “No, not really,” said Jenny quickly. “I'm sorry, Beanie; I didn't mean to sound so cynical. I just wish it were really possible.”

  We hugged her and told her good-bye, and then I dropped Beanie at Steph's and headed straight home where I'd promised to help my mom before the party. And now that it's time to go to bed, something has occurred to me about all this. It might be totally ridiculous, but who knows?

  DEAR GOD, I'M FEELING A LITTLE CONCERNED (AND HOPEFULLY NOT CODEPENDENT) ABOUT BEANIE AND JENNY TONIGHT. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF BOTH OF THEM. GIVE THEM A GOOD, SAFE PLACE TO LIVE WHERE THEY CAN FOLLOW YOU AND TRUST YOU FOR ALL THEIR NEEDS. AND THANK YOU FOR BRINGING TONY AND STEPH TOGETHER. I'M SO GLAD FOR THEM AND HAPPY THAT LITTLE OLIVER IS GETTING A REALLY GREAT DAD. THANK YOU SO MUCH! AMEN.

  Thursday, October 25 (Grandma comes through)

  Well, I've been working all week (or maybe it's God who was doing the working) on that idea I got on Sunday. Anyway, when we had our little engagement party, my grandma was feeling bad because she's already made her usual plans to go to Arizona and flies out on the first week of November to stay until March, and now she's all worried that she'll miss the wedding as a result.