On My Own Read online

  “Sure.” I smiled. And so we shook hands. We told my parents that night (when he brought me home), and although they seemed a little surprised, they both handled it well. Then the next evening he took me over to his parents. But I was pretty worried on the way over there.

  “Are they going to be okay with this?” I asked.

  “I've been preparing them for it. But they don't quite get it. My dad thinks we're just making a big deal about going steady.”

  I laughed nervously.

  “And my mom is concerned that we're tying ourselves down unnecessarily. I think those were her exact words.”

  “How about Chloe? I haven't had a chance to talk to her.”

  “Chloe's totally cool with it. She told me she always wished that it would happen. And she doesn't even think we're too young.”

  I laughed. “Well, that coming from a fifteen–year–old.”

  “A mature fifteen–year–old.”

  “Yeah, you're right.”

  And so we had coffee and dessert with Josh's parents. Everyone acted nice and civilized and everything, but I couldn't help but get the feeling that they thought Josh and I were just playacting at being grownups or something. Still, I tried not to think about it too much.

  And then tonight Josh took me out to dinner again at the same restaurant. It was actually really romantic (although we're still not kissing or anything), just being together and talking about what our futures might be. I told him how I still really want to do something for the orphans in Mexico–but not only for them, but perhaps for kids all over the world. I told him about kim and her plans to be a social worker.

  “I don't know exactly what God has in store for us, Caitlin, but I can sure see why He's put us together.”

  I smiled. “Yeah, it feels right, doesn't it?”

  And so I should be ecstatically happy right now. Shouldn't I? I mean girls are usually thrilled to get engaged–and isn't that sort of what this is? But to be perfectly honest, I still have this little nagging feeling that something's not exactly right. I've prayed and prayed and never felt God pushing me one way or the other. And I know there's nothing wrong with what Josh and I have agreed to. As long as it's right, that is.

  Oh, I suppose I'm just obsessing. That's what Jenny said. She thinks what we're done is totally cool. Not so with Beanie, though. She's furious at me. She thinks I'm blowing it big–time. My one consolation is that Beanie's the only one who thinks this. And as much as I love Beanie, she can be sort of a loose cannon sometimes. I mean, she hasn't always used the greatest judgment in her own life. How can I trust what she thinks in regard to mine?

  Friday, January 3 (back to school)

  Well, I'm back at school now. Josh actually drove me here yesterday. It was so sweet of him since it's so far out of his way, but he insisted. He also made me promise not to get rides home with Bryce anymore.

  “But I don't know anyone else who lives near us,” I complained. “And that means my parents will have to come to get me–”

  “Or I will.”

  “But it's so far.”

  “Not too far for you.”

  I smiled. “Well, if you really don't mind.”

  We went out with Beanie and Zach on New Year's Eve and had a really great time. It's funny because it feels like we've all really grown up since the last time we did something together. And it was so cool! It helps to know that Beanie's actually getting over her earlier frustration with me for this whole Josh thing. Although she made it perfectly clear afterward that she still doesn't think it's a very good idea.

  “But I've come to the conclusion that it's your decision, not mine,” she said as we downed some cocoa up in my room. “And if you think it's right, then who am I to disagree.” She made a face. “Even though I do!”

  I haven't told anyone at school about Josh and me yet. I sort of wanted to tell Liz first. I'm not even sure why. But she hasn't even gotten back. I'm assuming she went home, but I don't know for sure. I do know that I'm not going to call the campus police and report her as missing. Besides, it looks as if she packed up and left the room in an orderly manner. I'm actually looking forward to seeing her again. In fact, it feels rather lonely here right now. I almost wish that I hadn't let Josh bring me back on Thursday. (He had to come then in order to be back at his own school in time for registration). My parents had offered to bring me back on Sunday so that I could have a few more days at home, but I thought it was more important to spend that time with Josh. And it's too late to change things now.

  Sunday, January 5

  Liz came back today. She'd spent the first week of the break at her parents, but the remainder was spent at her grandparents' winter home in Palm Springs. Needless to say, she came back with a nice tan!

  “You look great,” I told her as soon as she walked in the door.

  “I feel pretty good too.” She unloaded her bags and then dug around until she found a package wrapped in brown paper. “This is for you.”

  “Really?” I felt the small package. “What for?”

  “Late Christmas present.”

  “Thanks.” I unwrapped the bundle to find what appeared to be a handmade silver cross pendant with a turquoise stone in the center. “This is beautiful!” I exclaimed.

  She smiled. “It's made by the Pueblos. I found it at a flea market with my grandma. She said it could be pretty old. I thought you might like it.”

  “I love it.” Immediately I put it on. “Thanks so much.”

  She laughed. “I thought it might help to protect you from me. You know what they say about silver crosses and all.”

  “So are you like saying you're a vampire?”

  “No, but living with me has probably been a lot like living with the devil.”

  “But I thought things are supposed to be changing for us.”

  “I hope so. But you never know. I'm sure I could still get pretty witchy if the occasion called for it.”

  “Well, hopefully it won't.”

  Then Liz told me that she confided in her mom about what had happened to her back in high school with the youth pastor. “I hadn't really planned to tell her, it just sort of slipped out one day.”

  “I think that's good,” I said. “It's important that some–one in the church knows about it.”

  She shrugged. “I don't know if my mom really believed me.”

  “Well, maybe she was just shocked. It is pretty shocking, you know.”

  “I guess. But I'd always suspected that she'd known about it back then.”

  “I don't know. Parents can be pretty dense sometimes. Plus I think they want to think the best about their kids.”

  “I suppose. But it was pretty uncomfortable once I'd told her about it. That's why I decided to shoot on down to Grandman's house for the duration of winter break.”

  “Well, your mom probably needs time to think about it and sort it all out. Do you think she'll do anything?”

  Liz groaned. “Ugh, I really don't want to think about that. I'm still not even sure why I told her. The truth is, I hope she just forgets the whole thing.”

  Well, I hope she doesn't! Naturally, I didn't tell Liz this. But that whole thing really, really bugs me! And it seems like someone should check into that creepy youth pastor. I'm really praying that Liz's mom will be the one to do it.

  I considered telling Liz about Josh then, if only to gracefully change the subject, but somehow it just didn't feel right. It's not that I thought she would laugh at me, exactly, but she might react like Beanie. Or she might think the whole thing was silly and childish, like going steady in grade school. Anyway, for whatever reason, I haven't said anything to anyone here yet.

  I did get a sweet e-mail from Josh today. It sounds like he's taking a really full load of classes during winter term. He said that was the best time to load them on since there wasn't much else to do, plus winter term is just slightly shorter than the others. Anyway, I'm thinking maybe I'll follow his lead and take more. Despite what my adviser
told me last term, I went ahead and took fifteen hours (she said to take it easy my first term). But I did just fine and my grades were even better than I expected. So maybe I'll add another class next week.

  Friday, January 10 (back to the grind)

  Wow, I've really given myself a full load of classes. And suddenly I'm wondering if that wasn't too smart. I'm taking seventeen hours, and some of the classes sound like they could prove challenging. Still, I want to give it a shot. It's not as if I have a lot else going on in my life. And at this rate I could possibly graduate early–maybe even in three years! Now that would be something.

  I went ahead and told Liz about Josh. She noticed the ring when we went out for coffee last night. Yes, we actually went out for coffee! It's the second time we've done something like that together (counting when I took her out for dinner before Christmas).

  “You probably think it's crazy,” I said when she didn't respond right away.

  “I don't know.” She shook her head. “It does seem kind of strange. I don't think I'd like it very much if a guy pulled something like that on me.”

  “Like what?”

  “Oh, you know, some sort of binding agreement that you won't see anyone but him, and he's hundreds of miles away. I mean, what happens if you meet someone who really interests you?”

  “Oh, that wouldn't–”

  She laughed. “Of course, it wouldn't. You'd never allow it to. But how can you live like that, Caitlin? Don't you feel sort of confined?”

  I considered her words. Right now I don't want to do anything that comes across as judgmental or might shut her down. “I don't know. To be honest, I still feel a little weird about the whole thing.”

  She pointed her finger at me. “See. That's a bad sign. If it's the right thing, you should feel really good about it.”

  “But feelings can be misleading.”

  She shrugged. “Well, before anyone ever gets me to make a commitment like that, I want to feel good about it.”

  “Oh, I feel good–”

  “But not completely, right?”

  “I'm not sure.”

  “Yeah, this is probably the exact reason that I don't think I'll ever get married.”

  “Really? You don't think you'll get married someday?”

  She shook her head. “Nah. Why bother?”

  “But don't you want someone who loves you so much that he's willing to commit himself completely to you?” Even as I said it, I wished I hadn't. I'd almost forgotten about her affair with Glen the youth pastor. She had said that she was totally in love with him. And look what that had done to her.

  “I don't mean to hurt your feelings, Cate, but I don't think that kind of love really exists. I mean this Josh fellow might act like he loves you now, but I think he's just trying to keep you under his thumb. And I personally wouldn't appreciate a guy who wanted to do that to me. Nope.” She held up her cup. “I'd rather be free.”

  Well, I wouldn't admit it to anyone, not even Liz, but something she said made sense to me. I just can't quite put my finger on it. Still, I need to remind myself where she is coming from. Sheesh, it was only a month ago when I thought she was the closest thing to the devil himself!

  Wednesday, January 15 (word's out)

  I went to fellowship group tonight–their first official meeting since Christmas break. It was fun but kind of weird. Or maybe I'm the one who's weird. I walked over there with kim and Lindsey, and I decided it was finally time to tell them about Josh. I showed them the ring, and kim let out an appropriate squeal.

  “That is so cool,” she said. “I barely knew Josh last year, but he's so good–looking. And that smile. Honestly, if he wasn't bent on being a pastor, I'll bet he'd have a good chance in Hollywood.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I used to imagine he looked like Matt Damon.”

  “Oh, he's cuter than that.” Kim slapped me on the back. “Well done, Caitlin!”

  “I don't know,” said Lindsey.

  Here we go, I thought. It seems that everyone always has a differing opinion about this. I'll bet if I took a vote it would be a clean split–fifty–fifty.

  “What do you mean?” demanded kim. “Aren't you excited for Caitlin?”

  “But they seem so young.” Lindsey sounded apologetic. “I mean, I realize you're just a year younger than me, but I think even I'm too young–”

  “Maybe you are,” interrupted Kim. “Some people mature faster. And I think Caitlin and Josh are both pretty mature.”

  “I suppose.” Lindsey shrugged. “But I still think you should wait before making a commitment like this.”

  “So,” began Kim in a challenging voice, “if, let's say, Stephen were to ask you to do something like–”

  “Oh, stop it, Kim!” exclaimed Lindsey. “That's just stupid.”

  “No, it's not. You and he have been dating, and I know you really like him. What if it suddenly developed into something serious and Stephen handed you that little velvet box? Are you telling us that you'd turn him down because you're too young?”

  “Oh, I don't know. This whole conversation is just totally ridiculous.”

  Then Kim started laughing. “You see, Caitlin, she'd be singing a different song if she were in your shoes.”

  “Yeah, I'd be screaming,” laughed Lindsey. “Because Caitlin's shoes would be at least three sizes too small!”

  Then we all laughed. But still, something about Lindsey's comments and then the way Kim announced to everyone that I was “next to engaged to Josh Miller” just sort of made me uncomfortable. Especially when Bryce came up and asked me if it was true.

  “Yeah. It really took me by surprise, but then Josh and I have been close friends for the last couple of years.”

  “But what about that whole nondating thing?”

  “Oh, we haven't been dating–not each other or any-one else, for that matter. But somehow Josh felt it was time to make a commitment like this.”

  Bryce looked slightly puzzled. But he told me congratulations and shook my hand. And no way did I have the heart to tell him that Josh had asked me not to catch rides home with him anymore. I'll deal with that later. Still, it sort of makes me sad.

  And I have to admit that this whole thing made me feel like an outsider tonight. Or maybe it's just because I don't know everyone as well as the others. But, no, I think it's more than that. I feel like I don't belong there, somehow, like being “the closest thing to engaged” sort of sets me apart and isolates me from them. Am I imagining this, or is it really true? And if it is true, then isn't it just as Josh had planned? Like we're setting ourselves aside for each other? And shouldn't that be a good thing? But if it's a good thing, then why doesn't it feel good? Too many questions and not enough answers–it must be time to go to bed.

  EIGHTEEN

  Friday, January 31 (Winter Weary)

  For some reason this has been the longest month. It doesn't help that the weather's been lousy–foggy and icy and miserable. Plus, now I'm sure I took too many classes because I'm feeling slightly stressed and overloaded. On top of that it seems as if everyone else is having a life except for me. Liz is out with her latest guy Conrad tonight. He's actually kind of nice and treats her way better than Jordan ever did. And here's what's amazing: I don't think she's even sleeping with him! Not that it's any of my business or that I want it to be, but last week Liz asked me if I'd ever slept with a guy. And I just came right out and told her why I hadn't and wouldn't until my wedding day.

  “You've got to be kidding,” she said. “You and Josh don't plan to at least test each other out before you tie the knot?”

  “Nope.”

  “That's crazy! what if you can't stand each other in bed.?”

  I laughed nervously. “I don't think that's going to happen. I believe when God puts two people together like that, it'll all work out.”

  “But what if it doesn't?”

  I smiled. “It will.”

  She shook her head. “Well, you're one brave girl.”

>   “Why would waiting until my wedding day be any braver than doing it with a guy right now? I mean, I think people who get sexually involved without the commitment of marriage are the brave ones.” I laughed. “Or the foolish ones.”

  She scowled at me.

  “I'm sorry. But it's just how I see it. To me it seems really risky to be involved in casual sex. Honestly, I just don't get it. I'd rather wait and have it be really special with just one man–the one I love and am willing to spend my life with–and on my wedding night.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, the old fairy tale–and you'll live happily ever after, right?”

  “Oh, I'm sure there'll be some bumps along the way. But you can't tell me that the choices you've made regarding sex have made your life all peachy and wonderful.”

  “Maybe not. But there's not much I can do about my mistakes now–other than to hopefully learn from them.”

  I smiled. “Well, learning from them sounds pretty smart.”

  “And I'm sure if I need any advice on how to keep myself sexually pure, you'll always be ready and willing to dish it out, right?”

  I laughed. “You bet. Bring it on! And if I don't know the answer maybe I can just make something up.”

  She smiled. “Yeah, I'll bet you could.”

  Now what I'm actually hoping and praying will happen is that I can share a little bit about Beanie's story–how she gave up her virginity and subsequently got pregnant. Then she recommitted herself to God, and now believes He's restored her virginity. I know some people don't quite get this, but I'd like to see Liz's reaction. Who knows, it might give her hope.

  So anyway, here I sit alone in my room with plenty of studying to do and I'm writing in my diary, feeling slightly sorry for myself. And why is that really? I'm not sure what it is–exactly–but something just doesn't feel right to me.

  Josh and I e-mail almost every day. And although I feel closer to him than ever, something just doesn't seem right. And that bugs me. I know we're not doing anything wrong, at least I don't think so, but at the same time I feel uneasy, like I've blown it somehow. I keep asking God to show me and nothing really comes up. And yet I feel sort of unhappy.