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He smiled. “Now you’re starting to sound like you want to be a hero, Judith. We don’t want you going into this thinking you’re going to save the world. You’ve got to be practical, okay? I mean, at best, I’d like you to find out who’s involved and what kind of agenda they’ve got going. But to think you can do much more is pretty unrealistic. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  “I suppose so. But if I’m going to actually agree to this crazy scheme, isn’t it okay if I hope or dream of something more?”

  “I guess that’s only natural. I just don’t want to see your expectations get too high. And I don’t want you pulling any superwoman stunts or anything like that. I just need you to connect with the family, win their trust, and see if you can get in and look around and retrieve some evidence, no matter how small and insignificant it might seem. Does that sound doable to you?”

  “Yes, I think so. By the way, if I agree to do this for you, can you help me find out a few things too?”

  “Sure, I can try. Like what?”

  “Well, I already told you about Lenore Barker. But I’m hitting a dead end at the nursing home. They say she’s released, but I can’t find her anywhere. A little old woman can’t just disappear into thin air. You’re so good at snooping, can’t you find out where she is and if she’s okay?”

  “I’ll try.” He made a note. “And what else?”

  “Eli. Can you watch over—” She stopped as a new realization hit. “Oh, Adam, wait a minute—how can I do this? I can’t do this to Eli. I’ll have to tell him what I’m doing or he’ll think—”

  “No!” Adam stood and firmly shook his head. “If you agree to this, Judith, it must be done in absolute secrecy. No one, and I mean no one, must know.”

  “What about Martha? We’ve just become friends. This will break her heart—”

  “Judith!” His voice was hard now. “You’ve got to understand that if you commit to this, you commit to telling no one. Is that clear?”

  “No one?”

  “No one. You and I are the only ones who know.”

  “But...but why?”

  He sank back down into his chair. “To keep you safe.”

  “But I’m not worried about me—”

  “Judith, let me finish. First off, it’s to keep you safe. But next it’s to keep them safe. Can’t you see that if you involve people like Eli or Martha in this, they are immediately in danger too? In order to carry this whole thing off, you need to appear completely removed and separate from anyone who opposes, or is opposed by, the brotherhood.”

  She nodded sadly, understanding slowly seeping into her as to what she was about to agree to do. “Adam,” she began hesitantly, “this is much, much bigger than I’d imagined at first. I really need to think about this.”

  “I understand completely. I sure don’t want you jumping into this and then regretting it later. It’s a big decision.”

  “Do you mind if I don’t stick around for dessert?” she asked quietly. “I’m not really hungry right now, and I want to go think about this some more.”

  “Sure, I understand completely.”

  “It’s a lot to ask, you know.” She stood and reached for the door.

  “I know, and to be honest I’m sorry I have to ask.”

  “I know.”

  “And it might even be a mistake.”

  “I know.”

  “So, really give it some good hard thought.”

  She nodded.

  “In fact, it wouldn’t hurt to pray about it too, Judith.”

  She pressed her lips together, wondering if she could even pray about it. What would she say? “Sure,” she said slowly as she turned the doorknob. “I’ll let you know.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  THUNDER RUMBLED IN THE nearby hills as Judith made her way back across Adam’s backyard and through the fence. Jack and Josh had both appeared disappointed when she didn’t stay for dessert, but her stomach felt as if it’d been twisted into dozens of tight knots, and she knew she couldn’t trust herself not to cry—a real sign of weakness, she felt certain. And in the same moment that heavy drops of rain pelted down on her, it occurred to her that even those two sweet guys would have to remain in the dark in regard to an allegiance with the enemy. What would Jack and Josh think if they saw her conspiring with people from the club? She wondered if she could possibly do this thing. It felt impossible.

  Inside the house, she locked and bolted the door, leaning her weight against it, as if she might somehow keep all that darkness and evil and innuendo that threatened to overcome her at bay. The whole idea of infiltrating into the racist world of people like the Morrisons now horrified her. And besides, how could she do this to Eli? To Martha? To herself? She suspected even Polly, who tried to maintain such a low profile, would find Judith’s actions confusing, not to mention repulsive. But Eli, dear, wonderful Eli—she had hurt him like this once before during the summer going into sixth grade when the only way she could hope to maintain a friendship with Jasmine was to completely swear off socializing with him. Just the memory of it sickened her. Of course, she’d explained the entire thing to him later, apologizing over and over. How could she put him through that again? How could she put herself through it?

  “Oh, God, this is too difficult!” she cried out, as if God himself had personally asked her to accept this overwhelming challenge. “I’m sure I’m not strong enough to do this thing.” She shook her head in confusion, then sank down into a squatting position, her back still pressed against the kitchen door. “Oh, God, please help me,” she sobbed. “I don’t know what to do. Can you hear me, God? Do you even care? Can you possibly show me what to do?”

  For a long time she waited there, squatted down on the old, cracked linoleum of Aunt Lenore’s kitchen floor. There she stayed frozen in time, waiting for God to answer. Her legs became numbed from their cramped position, but still no answer came. All she could hear was the rumble of thunder growing louder as the storm drew closer. Then she bowed her head onto her knees and prayed again, this time with a sense of resolution. “God, if you really want me to move forward into this crazy charade that Adam has suggested, then I ask that you would fill me with a sense of real peace.” Now, to be perfectly honest, even as she prayed this specific prayer, she felt a wave of doubt wash over her. For when had she ever, in nearly two years, felt a sense of peace? Did she actually think she could trick God? Or even fool herself? Nonetheless, it was what she had prayed, and now she felt determined to stick by it as she stiffly rose to her feet.

  Just then a bright flash of lightning illuminated all of Aunt Lenore’s previously darkened kitchen—bright as the noonday—followed by a huge crash of thunder that rattled the glass pane windows as well as all the little glass trinkets throughout the kitchen. Startled by the noise, Judith jumped then relaxed as she realized it was only the thunderstorm finally here. She walked across the kitchen to turn on the light only to find that the electricity was out, probably with that last close strike. Nothing new in Cedar Crest, she thought as she recalled how power outages and lightning storms used to frighten her as a child. She fumbled around in the darkness, going through drawers until she finally fingered what felt like wax candles. And, yes, a box of wooden matches! Obviously, Aunt Lenore was used to this sort of thing.

  After lighting and carefully placing half a dozen candles about the kitchen, Judith discovered that Aunt Lenore’s stove was gas. She lit a burner and filled the teakettle, searching again until she found a tin of tea. Then she stood by the window and watched with interested amusement as streaks of jagged lightning played across the darkened sky and thunder continued to crash and boom around her. The kitchen looked cozy and sweet in the golden candlelight and before long the teakettle was whistling happily. She filled the porcelain teapot and waited as the brew steeped, the fragrant lavenderlike smell of Earl Grey wafting up to her. Then she filled one of Aunt Lenore’s pretty teacups and sat down at the table to continue watching the magnificent storm as she sipped her tea. J
ust as a bright bolt flashed, she heard someone knock upon the back door, followed by another loud boom of thunder. “Hello?” called Adam’s voice through the din. “Judith?” She went over and opened the door. “You’re soaking wet,” she said, stepping aside as he walked in.

  “We were worried about you, Judith, over here by yourself—” he stopped and glanced around the candlelit kitchen. “We thought you might be lonely or frightened in the dark.” Then he laughed. “But it looks as if I got soaked for nothing. Looks like you can take care of yourself after all.”

  She smiled. “I guess so. Do you want a cup of hot tea?”

  “Sounds great.” He slipped off his jacket and set it out on the back porch. “Judith,” he began as he sat down before his cup of steaming tea, “maybe you should forget all about what I suggested tonight. I could see by your face that it was really upsetting to you. I swear, you went completely white when I told you that you could tell no one. I can see that your friendship with Eli and Martha—and well, whomever, is more precious to you than my crazy scheme.”

  She closed her eyes and signed. “I don’t know...”

  “Besides that,” he continued. “I may have played down the risks. The fact is, it is dangerous. And the more I thought about it, the more I knew I can’t ask you to do it.”

  Then suddenly it occurred to her. “You know what, Adam?” she began. “You’re right, I was pretty upset when I came home tonight. Horribly upset, in fact. And it prompted me to do something I haven’t done too much of during the past couple of years—although I seem to have been doing more of it lately.”

  “What’s that?”

  “It forced me to my knees and it made me pray.”

  “Like I said, praying is good.”

  She nodded. “Yes, I’ve noticed that you pray—at least before meals.”

  “I pray more than you know.”

  “I suspected that. But anyway, it forced me to really pray. And I just realized as I was sitting here that God answered my prayer.”

  “He did?”

  She pressed her fingers to her lips, almost afraid to admit what she felt certain was true. “He did.”

  “Dare I ask what you prayed for?”

  “I think you’d better. I think I should tell someone before I convince myself that it never happened or that I imagined it. Although, I doubt that I could do that. Even now I’m starting to feel sort of tingly with excitement.”

  “You mean about the answer?”

  “Yes, but maybe even more about the fact that it seems God actually answered me.”

  “You mean, you didn’t believe he’d answer you?”

  “Maybe not. Maybe if I’d really believed I wouldn’t have asked in the first place.”

  His smile was warm and encouraging. “Can you tell me what you asked for, Judith?”

  “I told God that what you’d asked me to do was too hard, too overwhelming, too impossible. But then I told God that if he wanted me to do it he’d have to show me.” She took a sip of tea, still pondering these things. “I asked God to show me I should do this by giving me a sense of real peace.” She considered it for a moment. “Yes, I’m pretty sure those were my exact words. But here’s where it’s getting my attention right now. No sooner were the words out of my mouth than I realized I hadn’t had a real sense of peace since Peter—my husband—died. And maybe not even before that. But then what really makes this interesting—” she paused and looked out the window as another bolt of lightning flashed, although the storm was now passing over. “What makes this interesting is that I’ve never liked thunderstorms. And ever since I prayed, this one hasn’t bothered me in the least. The truth is, I do have a feeling of peace. And I’m thinking God must’ve done that. Don’t you think so?”

  “I...uh...I don’t know, Judith. I’m not sure I still have a sense of peace about what I asked you to do, myself. Honestly, I’m beginning to think it’s too dangerous and foolhardy and—”

  She held up her hand to stop him. “Are you going to argue with God about this?”

  “Judith, you might’ve just imagined—”

  “No,” she said firmly. “I didn’t imagine anything. I was shaken and upset and crying when I got back here. And in just a moment,” she snapped her fingers, “I was calm and

  peaceful and in control. I couldn’t imagine that. And I couldn’t fake it either. I know myself too well.”

  He rubbed his hands over his eyes, shaking his head. “I sure don’t want to argue with God. Believe me, I know better. And I don’t want to argue with you either. But I really am having serious second thoughts about all this, and I think you should be having them too.”

  She took another long sip of tea. “Adam, I appreciate that you’re trying to be careful, but for some reason I believe I’m supposed to do this. And while it still breaks my heart to hurt Eli, and Martha too, I think in the long run, it will all work out for the best.”

  “But it’s going to be lonely, Judith.”

  “I realize that.”

  “There are no guarantees.”

  “I know.”

  “It could be dangerous.”

  She nodded. “So you’ve said.”

  “And you’re still absolutely certain?”

  “Certain.” She set her cup into the saucer and looked evenly across the table at him, his face a worried mixture of shadows and lines in the candlelight. “But can you promise me one thing, Adam?”

  “I’ll try.”

  “Please watch after my friends—Eli and Martha and Polly and Aunt Lenore and...anyone else who might not understand what I’m doing, anyone who might be hurt. But mostly watch out for Eli.”

  He nodded. “I will. And for you.”

  “Another thing?”

  “Name it.”

  “Do you think Josh and Jack will hate me?”

  He sighed deeply. “I don’t know. I wish they’d just go back to California, and soon. I don’t want them around if things get messy.”

  “Messy?”

  “It could, Judith. It could get real messy. We’re poking our heads into what might turn out to be a real hornets’ nest. It could get messy. And if Pops and Josh are still around then, by connection to me they become at risk too, you know what I mean?”

  “I think so. And there’s no way you can tell them about all this?”

  “Not without making them want to stay even more. They already know enough to suspect things, and they’re both awfully stubborn.” He grinned. “Seems to run in my family.”

  Suddenly, and for no explainable reason, she wanted to ask him about his ex-wife and what had gone wrong with them, but she didn’t. She knew it was personal, and their relationship should remain professional. Strictly professional. Still, she couldn’t help but notice the warm, golden flecks in his eyes—perhaps just a trick of the candlelight, but handsome just the same. “Well, hopefully it won’t get messy, Adam, and maybe Jack and Josh will get bored with this hole-in-the-wall town and just move on by next week.”

  “Let’s hope.” He finished up his tea. “Well, I better get back before they get suspicious. From now on we’ll have to meet in secret. Pops and Josh can’t even know. I’ll start working out a plan tonight and then touch base with you in the morning. I’ll give you a special phone to use just for our conversations. Feel free to use Lenore Barker’s for anything in connection with the Morrisons. I’ll make you a list of dos and don’ts and you’ll have to memorize it and then destroy it. And as you’ve figured out, the hardest part of all this will be the harsh looks and judgments from the people who don’t understand what you’re trying to do. But each time you get one of those looks, just consider it a victory. It means you’re making them believe that you’re really one of the bad guys, and that’s good.”

  She nodded. “That’s good.”

  “Did you ever want to be an actress, Judith?”

  She smiled. “It was Jasmine who had all the dramatic flare. She was a natural. But I did take drama in high school, and
I liked it pretty well.”

  “It’ll take a lot of good acting to pull this off. You’ve got to become a good liar. You’ve got to play along with them, and hide your emotions—” His hands flew to his face and he groaned loudly. “Oh, good night, what am I thinking, Judith? You’ll never be able to carry this off. You wear your heart on your sleeve, and your face is an open book for all the world to read. They’ll figure you out the first time they use the n-word and you flinch.”

  “I’ll practice,” she promised. “I’ll be tough. I’ll make myself believable. I’ll do it for Jasmine, and if I feel weak, I’ll just remind myself of what they did to her.”

  “What you think they did to her. We still don’t know for sure.”

  “Okay. But what about James?”

  “Again, we don’t know for sure. But if we could get just one hard shred of evidence, we could have his body exhumed and autopsied—this time for real.”

  “Okay, I’ll just focus myself on finding evidence, on getting justice. And—” she looked him sharply in the eye, “I will pray. Because just look at what God did in me tonight. And it seems completely obvious, to me anyway, that he is telling me to go through with this. If he really is sending me down this difficult road, don’t you think he might help me along the way?”

  Adam smiled and stood. “That’s the most sensible thing you’ve said all night.”

  She walked him to the door. “And thank you.”

  “For what?”

  “For giving me a chance to prove I’m strong.”

  He shook his head. “You would be wiser to start realizing that you, Judith Blackwell, are very, very weak. We all are, underneath everything else. But I believe if we bring our weakness to God, he can reconstruct it into strength.”

  “You know this from experience?”

  “I do, as a matter of fact. And, if it’s any comfort, there was a time in my life when you wouldn’t have recognized me for who I am today.”

  “I’d like to hear about that.”

  “Yeah, sure. Sometime, when we have more time, I’ll be happy to tell the whole story to you.”