On My Own Read online

  We talked a little bit more, and then she left to meet Conrad for their special Valentine's date. And I've been sitting by the phone, trying to study, but more distracted than ever. It's so weird to think of Josh having received that letter by now, having read it, possibly reacting to it, and yet saying nothing to me. And on top of that, here it is Valentine's Day! I almost wonder if he might be trying to punish me. Should I e-mail him? Call him? What? Or do I wait for him? I don't know what to do, but I'm praying that God will show me. Soon!

  Saturday, February 15

  Josh made a startling appearance on campus today. I could've actually fainted when Liz opened the door and I heard his voice speaking as plain as day.

  “Hi, I'm Josh Miller,” he said politely. “Is this Caitlin O'Conner's room?”

  Fortunately, he couldn't see me because of the door, and it took me a few seconds to compose myself and find my voice.

  “Josh?” I stepped out and tried to smile, although I'm sure it looked foolish and my knees felt like noodles. “What are you–?”

  “We need to talk, Caitlin.” His expression was hard and cold and very unJoshlike.

  “Yeah, okay. Let me get my coat.” I grabbed my coat, also picking up the little blue velvet box that had been sitting on my desk for the last week. I slipped it into my pocket and joined him in the hallway, not failing to notice Liz giving me a nod of encouragement as I exited the room.

  Soon we were outside, walking silently in the cold evening air. I wasn't sure if I could even speak intelligibly, and my stomach felt as if it had risen to my throat, but somehow I suggested we duck into the coffee shop, or maybe it was his idea. Anyway we got there, somehow.

  “You …uh …you got my letter,” I stammered once we were seated with steaming mugs of coffee before us. Of course, it was obvious he'd gotten my letter. But what was I supposed to say? I felt totally disoriented, like a fish out of water. To be perfectly honest, at this awkward point, I even wondered if he wasn't here to try to talk me out of this whole breaking up thing.

  Embarrassingly enough, I think I almost hoped he was! I almost hoped I'd say something like: “Oh, that letter was all just a silly mistake, Josh. I'm so sorry; I guess I must've gotten cold feet. I never should've written it.” And it scares me to the depths of my soul to think I actually thought those very words, but that is the honest-to-God truth! And He knows it.

  “That was some letter.” He pressed his lips together then took a slow sip of coffee.

  I took a deep breath. “Did you understand what I was saying?”

  “I'm not stupid, Caitlin. You made everything perfectly clear.”

  “And you're …uh …okay?”

  He shrugged. “What am I going to do?”

  I looked down at the overhead lights reflecting on the surface of my coffee. Suddenly it felt as if a heavy weight was pressing down on my chest, almost as if I couldn't breathe. I knew I had to say something. “I'm sorry if I hurt you–”

  “Don't be.”

  “But, Josh–”

  “Caitlin, you did what you thought God told you to do, right?”

  I looked up at him. His eyes still had that strange, hardened look. “Yes, but–”

  “No buts. If you did what God told you to do, who am I to argue?”

  “I don't want to argue. I just want to talk–”

  “There's nothing more to say.”

  “Then why did you come here?”

  He looked at me, and it seemed as if his blue eyes were softening, just a little. “I wanted to see you face-to-face-just to see.”

  “To see?”

  He exhaled loudly then set down his mug with a loud thump. “Oh, I don't know. I guess I hoped I'd see something–I don't know what.”

  I reached for his hand, but he moved it. “Josh, I'm really sorry.”

  “You said that already.”

  “But this just feels all wrong.”

  He laughed but not a happy laugh. “And you expect it to feel–what? All right? Good and nice and happy?”

  “No, but, not–not like this.”

  He started to stand now. “I really don't have anything else to say.”

  “But–”

  “I'm going to see if I can spend the night with Stephen tonight.” He pushed the stool back in and squared his shoulders, but I could see his eyes glistening with tears. “You need me to walk you back?”

  I shook my head, trying to swallow back my own tears. Then I remembered the ring. I pulled the box out of my pocket. “Here.”

  He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Just keep it.”

  “But I don't want–”

  “Look, I certainly don't want it. I don't care what you do with it. Okay?” And then he turned and left.

  I stayed in the coffee shop a little longer, too stunned to leave. And it felt as if my heart were splitting in two, right then. I mean, it physically felt like it was tearing apart. And as excruciatingly painful as that felt, I still could sense that quiet reassuring peace within me. It's hard to describe how you can feel peace and pain like that, simultaneously, but somehow I did.

  I prayed with each step as I walked back to the dorm. I prayed that God would help Josh through this whole thing and that somehow He would strengthen Josh because of it. And I prayed the same thing for me.

  Liz was gone when I returned, but there was a little chocolate kiss on my desk with a Post-it note that said, “sorry.” I knew it was her way to make me feel better, but I burst into tears just the same.

  I cried for a long, long time. Why? Not because I was losing Josh. No, I knew I'd already lost him–back when I mailed that letter. No, I cried because I realized my own responsibility in this whole thing. It was largely my fault that Josh was hurting so badly right now. Sure, he may have been the one to bring the whole covenant thing up to me. But I was the one who said yes. Oh, if only I'd said no. Maybe we could've just discussed the whole thing openly right then, and maybe we'd still be friends now. I'm afraid we'll never be friends again. I think that's part of what hurts so much tonight.

  And yet God's peace remains. Without that I'm sure I'd have died from the pain.

  DEAR GOD, I FEEL LIKE I'VE AGED A HUNDRED YEARS TONIGHT. I GUESS PAIN IS LIKE THAT. PLEASE HELP JOSH TO GROW STRONGER AS A RESULT OF THIS. AND IF IT'S EVER POSSIBLE TO RESTORE OUR FRIENDSHIP, I PRAY THAT YOU WILL. IN THE MEANTIME, I TRUST YOU WITH EVERYTHING. AND, ONCE AGAIN, I'M SORRY. AMEN.

  TWENTY

  Friday, March 14 (moving on)

  Next week is finds week, and to say I'm relieved would be a huge understatement. This has been a hard term in several ways. But I suppose having an overload of classes was something of a relief in itself. Being so busy gave me less time to fret over the way things went with my breakup with Josh. I haven't seen or spoken to him since that chilly night in February almost a month ago. Although I have heard (through Chloe) that he's kept himself busy with school too. And (she thinks) he's still pretty bummed by the whole thing.

  “Josh is used to always having things go his way,” she explained during her unexpected visit last weekend. (She'd hopped on a bus just to come cheer me up.) “And I'm sure he still hasn't gotten over the shock of being rejected.”

  “I didn't exactly reject him, not personally anyway,” I said, knowing it made little sense. “I mostly rejected the idea of being tied to him after God corrected me about the whole thing. I knew it was wrong to stay with Josh when I realized our relationship was taking priority over my relationship with God. I still think Josh is a really great guy.”

  “Oh, I know that. But maybe God is using this whole thing to teach him something important.”

  I smiled. It still strikes me as funny, or maybe just ironic, to hear such words of wisdom spouting from this fifteen-year-old mouth. But then that's Chloe.

  Liz actually got a kick out of my young friend. (She couldn't believe she was the little sister of “that preppy Josh” as Liz still calls him after only one brief encounter–although she did admit he was
“rather nice looking.”) Anyway, Liz didn't even mind the extra roommate bunking on our floor that Saturday night.

  “Do you know what Josh plans to do on spring break?” I asked casually as I walked Chloe to the bus station on Sunday. To be honest, I was hoping he wasn't planning on going home. I didn't want to chance an uncomfortable encounter with him at church or wherever.

  “Didn't you know?”

  “What?”

  “He's going down to Mexico.”

  “You're kidding? To the mission?”

  She nodded and readjusted her backpack.

  “Well, that's cool.” But even as I said the words, I felt a tiny wave of jealousy ripple over me. Suddenly I wished I could go too. Not to be with him exactly, but just to be down there to help with the kids.

  “Yeah, it was kind of spur-of-the-moment. But they'd raised some money at his college. It's for some new building the mission has been wanting, and Josh decided to hand deliver it and help out.”

  “That's great. Our fellowship group's talking about a fund-raiser, but we haven't really gotten it off the ground yet.”

  “Well, my parents weren't overly thrilled about Josh's unexpected trip.” She chuckled. “They'd been talking about having us all take a little Caribbean cruise together.”

  “Oh, that's too bad.”

  “Not for me.” She made a face. “I won't mind missing out on that little boat ride. Besides …” She grinned suspiciously.

  “What?”

  “Well, I haven't even told my folks about this yet. But remember I mentioned how these two girls and I have been jamming together lately–just for fun?”

  “Yeah–isn't that Allie and Laura?”

  “Right. Well, we've got ourselves an actual gig that same week. Remember that Christian coffeehouse you took me to last year?”

  “Yeah. You're going to play there?”

  “Yep. On Friday night. Hey, do you think you can come?”

  “You bet. I wouldn't miss it. Maybe Beanie and Jenny will want to come too. They plant to be around during spring break.”

  “Cool. We could use some enthusiastic fans.”

  By then we were at the bus station, and her bus was already loading up. “Thanks for coming to see me, Chloe.” I gave her a big hug. “It really meant a lot to me.”

  “Well, you seemed pretty down.” She smiled. “And I suppose I was still feeling a little bummed to think you'll probably never be my sister-in-law now.”

  I remembered the let down I'd given her just the night before when she asked if there might be a slight possibility that Josh and I would eventually get married someday. “But I can still be like your sister.”

  “Yeah, that works.” Then she climbed on the bus and waved.

  I suppose my words may have been a little strong that night, but I hadn't wanted to give her any false hopes. I wanted her to understand, more than anything, that I just want to obey God, and I believe He's closed the door with Josh. But I assured Chloe that I still love Josh as a friend and brother, and although I feel sorry he and I can't still be friends, I want, more than anything else, to remain obedient to God.

  For all I know, God might want me to be single for the rest of my days. And I told Chloe how I need to be willing to accept that. I actually think she understood. As I've said, Chloe seems wise beyond her years.

  Tuesday, March 25 (signs of spring)

  Finals seemed to go okay last week (at least I hope so!). I caught a ride home with Bryce last weekend and have been enjoying just hanging with family and friends the past couple of days. It's weird though; everyone is still acting all apologetic and sorry to me about my breakup with Josh. Well, not everyone. Beanie definitely thinks it was a smart move. And I suppose my dad's relieved. And Tony too. But the others act like it's something to be sad about. And the truth is, I'm tired of explaining it over and over, so I just accept their sympathy and hope they'll move on. I know I have.

  It's like this deep down joy has been growing in me–ever since that dark day when Josh came to visit. It's hard to explain, but I think it's kind of like springtime. It's that feeling that life and growth are just beginning to bud after a long, cold winter. I feel like those tulips and daffodils, with their cheery, hopeful faces looking up to the sun, as if life is just beginning! There is nothing on earth as satisfying as walking with God–in perfect obedience. Okay, I know I'm not perfect, but I really am trying to do what God wants me to do. And I think His reward is that sweet, pure joy and peace. And it's a good thing!

  Friday, March 28

  Beanie, Jenny, Anna, and I went to hear Chloe and her friends perform last night at the Christian coffeehouse. And, believe me, we were all totally blown away by this young trio. In fact, everyone there was impressed. These high school girls are really good! Despite not wanting to run into him, I wish Josh could've been there to see his little sister perform. It was amazing. The girls' voices blended perfectly, and every song was an original that Chloe had penned herself. I'm thinking that girl may be a genius! A number of people asked if they were selling CDs afterward, and Chloe said she plans to discuss the possibility of getting one recorded with her dad's friend (the music teacher from the college). But honestly, I think these girls could be a big hit! I can't even describe how proud I am of Chloe. I know it doesn't really have anything to do with me, but I can't help but feel a certain type of motherly–or maybe sisterly–pride in Chloe's success.

  Sunday, April 6

  This has been a totally great week for me. It's the first week of spring term, and I've got a manageable class schedule, plus time to attend the fellowship group and to just hang with friends. If anyone had told me I'd be this happy six months ago (back when I just started school and was feeling completely homesick and depressed), I never would've believed her. But the truth is, I was really happy to get back to school this term. And I was glad to see Liz again. Our friendship has really grown in the past several months. Oh sure, we're not best friends, and she can still be a pain in the behind sometimes when she's in one of her foul moods, and, yes, she's still not a Christian, but I really do love her–and I think it's just a matter of time before she returns to God (although I wouldn't admit this to her).

  Another great thing that's happening–our fellowship group has started working toward a fund-raiser for Mexico. We're going to put on a really fancy dinner at the church (a hundred dollars a plate!) followed by a silent auction. I've already started hitting businesses for donations, and when I went to the campus gift shop (where I'd gotten Liz that little lamb for last Christmas), the woman asked me if I was looking for any part-time work. Well, I hadn't actually been looking, but it suddenly occurred to me that it might not be a bad idea after all. And anyway, I start working next week. Just a couple evenings a week and on Saturdays, but since I have a lighter class load this term, plus I'm looking to earn money to go to Mexico this summer–well, it all seemed just perfect. A God thing!

  After church today, a bunch of us took a bike ride. And it was so great! The weather was absolutely perfect and spring was busting out all over! And as I was sailing down a hill with the wind in my face, it hit me–I felt so free! And suddenly I wondered how I would've felt if I were still tied into that commitment with Josh. And in that instant I realized, with crystal-clear clarity, that I was exactly where God wanted me to be. How great is that?

  Saturday, April 12 (on unexpected visit)

  I was awakened early this morning by the phone's shrill ring. I groggily picked it up and croaked out a froglike “hello” only to hear what sounded just like Josh on the other end! Blown away by this possibility, I decided I must've been dreaming and almost hung up. But he said “hello” again, and I realized it must be for real. A wave of shock ran through me as I sat up in bed, blinking to clear my eyes and fuzzy brain.

  “Caitlin?” he spoke quietly, in what seemed a tentative voice, especially for the usually self-assured Josh Miller. “Is that you?”

  “Josh?”

  “Yeah,” anoth
er pause. “I was in town, and I …uh …I wondered if I could meet you–”

  “You're kidding? You're here on campus? Right now?”

  “Yeah. I drove over last night.”

  Suddenly, I felt seriously worried. Was he here to pressure me into going back with him? Or was he still angry with me? What was up?

  “So …uh …can we get together, Caitlin?”

  “I …” I ran my fingers through my hair wondering what I should do, then shot up a quick prayer. Finally, sensing no harm could come from simply talking with him, I agreed to meet him at the coffee shop in half an hour.

  I quickly showered and dressed, praying all the while that God would quiet my heart and lead me through what promised to be a difficult meeting. Then I hurried over to the coffee shop to find Josh already seated and sipping coffee.

  “Hi.” I ordered a large double mocha and then joined him. “What's up?”

  “Sorry to catch you by surprise,” he began. And as I looked at him, I sensed something was different, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

  “It's okay. I probably needed to get up anyway.” I paused as the waiter set my cup before me. “So what are you doing over here, Josh?”

  He looked at me evenly. “I came to apologize to you, Caitlin. I need to ask you to forgive me.”

  “Forgive you?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. I realize now that I never should've asked you to join in that covenant thing with me.”

  “You're kidding?” Now to be honest, I was having a confusing mix of thoughts just then. Was Josh saying that it had been a mistake because he never really wanted to marry me in the first place (and right or wrong, this thought hurt my ego more than a little), or was he just saying that it was wrong?

  He shook his head. “No, I can see now that it wasn't God leading me–it was something that I had devised myself.” He looked down at the table. “I suppose I tried to make myself believe it was God, at the time–because I wanted it so much.”