On My Own Page 18

  “Oh, Josh.” I controlled my hand from reaching out to touch him.

  “But I can see now that not only was it stupid, but it was dangerous too.”

  “Dangerous?”

  “Yeah, it's that kind of thinking that leads people right into legalism and even a cult type of mentality.”

  “Really?” I had never considered this possibility before.

  “But the worst part of the whole thing was that I involved you–I put you in a really bad position.”

  “But it was my own fault for agreeing–”

  “You never would've agreed if I hadn't brought it up and then pressured you.” He looked me straight in the eyes. “I'm sorry, Caitlin. Will you please forgive me?”

  “Oh, Josh, of course, I forgive you. I already did forgive you.” I smiled. “How could I not?”

  His countenance lightened a little. “Yeah, I should have known that you would've already done the right thing. That's just the way you are.”

  I sighed. “Well, I don't know about that. To be honest, I was hurt and upset at you for a while, but mostly I felt like it was my own fault–I never should've agreed to do something I knew in my heart was wrong.” Then I looked at him. “Can you forgive me, Josh?”

  He smiled. “Sure. But I still think it was mostly my fault.”

  “Well, let's not argue about that.” I took a sip of coffee. “Tell me how you've been? How was your trip to Mexico?”

  “Really great. It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment decision, but I'm glad I went. I think I needed it–probably even more than they needed me.”

  “I heard you guys raised enough money for the new preschool.”

  “Yeah, it was amazing! The folks down there were so surprised and happy. It was pretty cool.”

  I nodded. “Well, I have to admit I was a little envious when I heard that you were going down there. I wished I could've gone too.”

  “Really? You should've come.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, after all we've been through–you really think that would've been a good idea?”

  “Maybe not.”

  “But I'm planning on going this summer. I've got a part-time job, and I've already started saving up for it. I'd like to stay for a whole month or maybe even more if I can.”

  “Really? I was thinking of doing something along the same lines. I'd really like to help them with some of the building projects that are coming up.”

  Suddenly I felt a little unsure. “Uh, do you think it'd be a problem for …uh …for us, I mean, if we happened to be there at the same time?”

  He shrugged. “I don't see why it should be a problem. In fact, I was hoping that we could go back to being good friends again, Caitlin. I miss you.”

  I smiled. “I miss you too. But do you think it's possible to be just friends?”

  “You mean do I think I can control myself and keep from coming on to you or pressuring you into marrying me or something equally crazy?”

  I laughed. “Well, something like that.”

  He held up his hand as if to make a pledge. “I give you my scout's honor that I'll do my very best to keep our relationship as that of good friends–brother and sister. Does that suit you okay?”

  I nodded. “Yeah. That suits me just fine.”

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “Well, you know what you said in the letter about me being a weed that God had to pull from your heart?”

  I winced. “Yeah?”

  “Do you really think of me like that?”

  “Oh, Josh.” I made a face. “Not at all. But it's like you'd taken root in my heart–rather I'd allowed you to take root–and it wasn't God's plan for me right now. And it was important for my relationship with God that I remove you.”

  “And have you?”

  I took a deep breath. “I believe I have.”

  “But you said ‘right now.’ Does that mean things could change later on?”

  I smiled. “I don't know. I guess it's up to God.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, I can see that.”

  “You must know that I still love you, Josh. You've been one of my best friends. You've been like a brother.”

  “But that's all.”

  “That's all for right now.”

  “There's that phrase again. Right now.”

  I ran my fingers over the warm cup. “Well, you know, we can only live one day at time. Who knows what the future might bring? But for now, yes, that's all.”

  He smiled. “Okay, that works for me.”

  Then he showed me some snapshots he'd taken in Mexico. And we talked and laughed some more. And when it was all said and done, I felt as though our friendship was probably more secure than ever before. It's like we'd weathered the storm and come out stronger for it. And only God knows what lies ahead for us. I can trust Him with that.

  “I'm so glad you came,” I told Josh as he walked me back to the dorm.

  “Me too.” He squinted up at the morning sun. “I didn't want to, but I knew God was telling me to clean this whole mess that I'd made up.”

  “Well, at least we can learn from our messes. Right?”

  “Yeah. Hopefully I'll learn not to keep repeating them.”

  I stopped by the steps in front of my dorm and really looked at him. “I think you've changed, Josh.”

  He frowned slightly. “Like how?”

  “I mean for the better.” I studied him. “It's as if your spirit seems softer or more humble or something. I'm not exactly sure, but for some reason you seem …” I struggled for the right words. “More like Jesus.”

  Now his old smile came back, only this time there was more depth to it. “Thanks, Cate. There's nothing you could've said that means more to me than that.”

  I could feel tears glistening in my eyes just then, but they were happy tears. “Is it okay if I hug you–just as a friend, I mean?”

  Then we hugged–like friends–and I told him I loved him. “Like a brother,” I said as I stepped back.

  “You take care, Sis!” he called as he headed for his Jeep. “And don't forget to stay in touch!”

  “Don't worry.” I waved. “You know how I love to write.”

  TWENTY-ONE

  Saturday, April 26 (sigh of relief)

  I spent the day alone with God today, and it was totally great! First I rode my bike to a park on the other side of town, and then I sat by the river and just read my Bible and prayed and mediated on how amazingly gracious God has been to me. I think it's good to take times like this (I should probably do it a whole lot more!) to get a better perspective of who God is and what He's doing in your life. But when you do, you should always be prepared to be amazed! Because God is like that. He totally blows me away with His love and His mercy and His grace. I can't even wrap my mind around it. And yet it's good to try.

  My first year away from home has certainly had its ups and downs, but now I can clearly see God's hand in it. And I'm totally thankful for the way things have gone. I remember how I was all upset when I first realized I had to go to the state university. But now I can see that it was the right thing for me. I've made some really great Christian friends, and my relationship with Liz is better than ever. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't actually come to church with me tomorrow–she's mentioned that she wants to “give it a try” before the end of the term.

  And then there was that whole thing with Josh. Even though it was painful, it was probably one of the best lessons on obeying God that I've ever had to learn. I can see now that nothing is more important for me than to know how to hear God and to obey–quickly!

  So, here I am, with almost a whole year of college under my belt, on my own, and feeling really good about life. And you know what? I feel as though I could follow God anywhere now. Whether it's Mexico or Somalia or Nepal or my own hometown …I'm totally willing to go wherever God leads me. I feel like I don't need my parents anymore–I mean, not like I used to need them. I suppose I'll always need them
in some ways. And I don't need my old best friends (Beanie, Jenny, and Anna) always constantly by my side–although I still love them dearly. And I don't even need Josh to lean on–but I'm glad he's my friend. And like I said, who knows what God has in store for us. But the thing is: I finally understand that I will really and truly be just fine on my own–as long as God is with me. Because with God, even when I'm on my own, I am never really alone. I can always count on Him. No matter what else happens in my life, He will always be with me, He will never leave me or forsake me or betray me–ever. He will always be my best friend–forever!

  A poem I wrote on the riverbank:

  I'll never be lonely

  Even if I am alone

  For I've a precious Savior

  Who'll come take me home.

  But while I'm here

  His servant I will be

  With one foot on earth

  And one in eternity.

  And I'll gather His crops

  To populate His land

  And if I feel weary

  I'll cling tighter to His hand.

  The publisher and author invite you to check out the Diary of a Teenage Girl website at: doatg.com

  a personal note from Caitlin …

  Dear Friend,

  Do you feel like God is nudging at your heart to make a commitment to Him–any sort of commitment? It's best not to put it off, you know. Hey, remember what happened to me???

  So …I invite you to sit down right now before God and consider how He may be leading you. Is He asking you to give Him your heart today? Is He asking you to dedicate your body to Him first and abstain from sex until after marriage? Can you hear His voice speaking to you?

  Sometimes it helps to write this kind of promise down. You can do that in your diary like I did, or you can write it down here. Then hide it away if you like, but just don't forget it. Because a promise like this is important–both to you and to God. Because you're His child, and He's always listening.

  Blessings!

  THE DIARY OF A TEENAGE GIRL SERIES

  DIARY OF A TEENAGE GIRL, Caitlin book one

  Follow sixteen-year-old Caitlin O'Conner as she makes her way through life–surviving a challenging home life, school pressures, an identity crisis, and the uncertainties of “true love.” You'll cry with Caitlin as she experiences heartache, and cheer for her as she encounters a new reality in her life: God. See how rejection by one group can–incredibly–sometimes lead you to discover who you really are.

  ISBN 1-57673-735-7

  IT'S MY LIFE, Caitlin book two

  Caitlin faces new trials as she strives to maintain the recent commitments she's made to God. Torn between new spiritual directions and loyalty to Beanie, her pregnant best friend, Caitlin searches out her personal values on friendship, dating, life goals, and family.

  ISBN 1-59052-053-X

  WHO I AM, Caitlin book three

  As a high school senior, Caitlin's relationship with Josh takes on a serious tone via e-mail–threatening her commitment to “kiss dating goodbye.” When Beanie begins dating an African-American, Caitlin's concern over dating seems to be misread as racism. One thing is obvious: God is at work through this dynamic girl in very real but puzzling ways, and a soul-stretching time of racial reconciliation at school and within her church helps her discover God's will as never before.

  ISBN 1-59052-890-6

  ON MY OWN, Caitlin book four

  An avalanche of emotion hits Caitlin as she lands at college and begins to realize she's not in high school anymore. Buried in coursework and far from her best friend, Beanie, Caitlin must cope with her new roommate's bad attitude, manic music, and sleazy social life. Should she have chosen a Bible college like Josh? Maybe …but how to survive the year ahead is the big question right now!

  ISBN 1-59052-017-3

  MY NAME IS CHLOE, Chloe book one

  Chloe Miller, Josh's younger sister, is a free spirit with dramatic clothes and hair. She struggles with her own identity, classmates, parents, boys, and–whether or not God is for real. But this unconventional high school freshman definitely doesn't hold back when she meets Him in a big, personal way. Chloe expresses God's love and grace through the girl band she forms, Redemption, and continues to show the world she's not willing to conform to anyone else's image of who or what she should be. Except God's, that is.

  ISBN 1-59052-018-1

  SOLD OUT, Chloe book two

  Chloe and her fellow band members must sort out their lives as they become a hit in the local community. And after a talent scout from Nashville discovers the trio, all too soon their explosive musical ministry begins to encounter conflicts with family, so-called friends, and school. Exhilarated yet frustrated, Chloe puts her dream in God's hand and prays for Him to work out the details.

  ISBN 1-59052-141-2

  ROAD TRIP, Chloe book three

  After signing with a major record company, Redemption's dreams are coming true. Chloe, Allie, and Laura begin their concert tour with the good-looking guys in the band Iron Cross. But as soon as the glitz and glamour wear off, the girls find life on the road a little overwhelming. Even rock solid Laura appears to be feeling the stress–and Chloe isn't quite sure how to confront her about the growing signs of drug addiction …

  ISBN 1-59052-142-0

  FACE THE MUSIC, Chloe book four

  Redemption has made it to the bestseller chart, but what Chloe and the girls need most is some downtime to sift through the usual high school stress with grades, friends, guys, and the prom. Chloe struggles to recover from a serious crush on the band leader of Iron Cross. Then just as an unexpected romance catches Redemption by surprise, Caitlin O'Conner–whose relationship with Josh is taking on a new dimension–joins the tour as their chaperone. Chloe's wild ride only speeds up, and this one-of-a-kind musician faces the fact that life may never be normal again.

  ISBN 1-59052-241-9

  HEY, GOD, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

  More and more teens find themselves growing up in a world lacking in godly wisdom and direction. In Piercing Proverbs, bestselling youth fiction author Melody Carlson offers solid messages of the Bible in a version that can compete with TV, movies, and the Internet for the attention of this vital group in God's kingdom. Choosing life-impacting portions of teen-applicable Proverbs, Carlson paraphrases them into understandable, teen-friendly language and presents them as guidelines for clearly identified areas of life (such as friendship, family, money, and mistakes). Teens will easily read and digest these high-impact passages of the Bible delivered in their own words.

  ISBN 1-57673-895-7

  This is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, and dialogues

  are products of the author's imagination and are not to be construed

  as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead,

  is entirely coincidental.

  ON MY OWN

  published by Multnomah Books

  A division of Random House, Inc.

  and in association with the literary agency of Sara A. Fortenberry

  © 2002 by Melody Carlson

  Scripture quotations are from:

  The Holy Bible, New International Version © 1973, 1984 by International Bible

  Society, used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House

  Multnomah and its mountain colophon are registered trademarks

  of Random House Inc.

  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval

  system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means–electronic,

  mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise–without

  prior written permission.

  For information:

  MULTNOMAH BOOKS

  12265 ORACLE BOULEVARD, SUITE 200

  COLORADO SPRINGS, CO 80921

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Carlson, Melody.

  On my own, by Cait
lin O'Conner/by Melody Carlson.

  p. cm. – (Diary of a teenage girl; Book 4)

  eISBN: 978-0-307-56485-6

  [1. Christian life–Fiction. 2. Universities and colleges–Fiction. 3.

  Interpersonal relations–Fiction. 4. Conduct of life–Fiction. 5. Diaries–Fiction.]

  I. Title.

  PZ7.C216637 Oq 2002

  [Fic]–dc21 2002002723

  v3.0