On My Own Read online

  TWO

  Thursday, September 5 (roommate from ???)

  This morning was registration, and I set my alarm early to make sure I got there in plenty of time to get the classes I needed. As it turned out, I did, for the most part anyway. Unfortunately, my English class was already full, so I have to take it on Tuesday evenings at six. I didn't really want a night class, but the good news is that I only have to go to it once a week. At least that's something.

  I was surprised that my roommate still hadn't made an appearance by last night. In fact, I felt a little worried that she might've missed registration altogether, but it seems she got here this morning and registered just before it closed. That's cutting it pretty close, but I'll keep these thoughts to myself. I sense Elizabeth (or Liz as she likes to be called) wouldn't care what I think anyway.

  Let me describe Liz. She's a tall brunette and kind of big-boned, not heavy though. In a way she reminds me of Minnie Driver, except she doesn't have that same sweet smile. Liz's smile (well, the only one I've seen so far) is much more cynical looking. Kind of a knowing smile, like she thinks she's seen a lot more than everyone else–particularly me. And I could tell right off the bat that she's really sarcastic and skeptical. It's hard to categorize Liz (and I don't really like doing that anyway), but after our brief encounter today, I guess I'd call her an intellectual realist with a great big chip on her shoulder. Okay, I know that's not fair and is probably judgmental, but it's my first impression. And this is a diary to record my honest feelings.

  “Oh, you're here,” she said with obvious disappointment right after she burst into my room. (I'd already gotten to thinking of it as “my” room and felt slightly stunned to have a stranger just walk right in without even knocking.) “Are you Caitlin O'Conner?” And the way she said my name sounded like she was talking to a little girl.

  I stood up, trying to hide my surprise. I smiled and stuck out my hand. “Yes. Are you Elizabeth?”

  Next came a half smile and weak handshake. “Yeah. My friends call me Liz.” There was a slight pause as she carefully looked me up and down, taking in my striped sweater, worn jeans, and pink bunny slippers (which had never embarrassed me until now). And suddenly it's like I knew what she was thinking–like she was mentally replaying every dumb blonde joke she'd ever heard, like she immediately assumed that due to my looks I was nothing more than a superficial airhead. And I resented it.

  “I suppose you can call me Liz too.”

  I could hear the obvious disdain in her voice. I'm sure she meant for me to hear it, but I still tried not to appear too flustered. “I, uh, I was worried something might be wrong,” I began as she turned her back to me and dumped a couple of duffel bags onto her bed. “You didn't miss registration, did you–?”

  “First off, Caitlin–” she turned around and again spoke in a way that made me feel as if I were about five years old–“I don't expect you to think you need to keep tabs on me. I don't need a sister or a mother or a baby-sitter. Understand?”

  I'm sure I must've blinked and stepped back. “Sure.”

  “And just because we're roommates doesn't mean we have to be all buddy-buddy, sharing secrets, giggling in the middle of the night, that kind of childish tripe. If I'd wanted that crud, I'd have joined a stupid sorority.” She eyed me suspiciously. “In fact, you look like you'd fit in just fine with a sorority.”

  I felt pretty sure this was meant as an insult. “Well, looks can be deceiving.” I was really on the defensive now.

  She laughed but not with humor. “So, do you get me then? Do you see where I'm coming from? This is just a room that we have to share, that's all. Understand? Capisce?”

  “Yeah, sure, that's fine.”

  “Good.” Her face relaxed a little.

  Without thinking I spoke again. “But I guess I hoped we could at least be, you know, just casual friends.” Okay, big mistake.

  She turned back around from her unpacking, with a black leather belt hanging limply in her hand, then looked at me hard–actually it felt like she glared at me, but that could've been an overreaction on my part. “Do you mind if I'm blunt with you, Caitlin?”

  “No, of course not.” But to be honest I was worried she might actually walk over and smack me with her belt.

  “I don't have many friends. But it's for a good reason. You see, I think that only shallow people fill their lives with too many friends and acquaintances. I, on the other hand, choose my friends very judiciously.”

  I think I said, “Oh,” or something else equally impressive.

  “So, if you don't mind, I'd like to unpack in peace.”

  “No problem.” I grabbed my backpack and headed for the door. “I was on my way to the bookstore anyway–”

  “Caitlin. You don't have to tell me where you're going. Don't you get it? We don't have to check in with each other. Let's be adults here.”

  “Sorry.”

  “Don't be.”

  Well, let me tell you I got out of there as quickly as possible. And immediately a flood of emotions tumbled through me. The old Caitlin (the-before-I-knew-God Caitlin) was screaming: “What a complete jerk! What a total idiot! Liz Banks is an absolute moron! How can I possibly room with someone like that?” Another, more logical part of me began to consider the practical steps for switching roommates–should I do it now or wait until next week? Then I even started to wonder if Liz might simply have a really devastating case of PMS!

  But fortunately, by the time I was halfway to the bookstore, I began to actually pray about this whole situation. First I asked God why He'd put me in a room with someone like Liz Banks. Then I asked Him if I should seek to change rooms. Finally, I decided to earnestly pray for Liz, and I asked God to lead me in what I was supposed to do next. Even now I'm not totally sure what's best. I mean, I've known some difficult people in the last couple years, but I'm not sure that I've ever met anyone who came across quite as cold and hard as Liz. And this is only the first day! On the other hand, it might just be her natural defenses popping up. I suppose she could actually be feeling somewhat insecure right now. And who knows, there could be a really soft heart underneath that tough facade.

  Right now, I'm in the coffee shop (the one Josh recommended) writing all this down in my diary. I think it's helping me to sort out my thoughts.

  DEAR GOD, PLEASE SHOW ME WHAT TO DO ABOUT LIZ. I KNOW YOU LOVE HER AND WANT ME TO LOVE HER TOO, BUT I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE ONE TOUGH CHALLENGE. SHE COMES ACROSS AS PRETTY UNLOVABLE. PLEASE HELP ME. I KNOW YOU CAN LOVE HER THROUGH ME. JUST LET ME BE YOUR VESSEL. THANK YOU. AMEN.

  Saturday, September 7 (Darkness meets light) yesterday was filled with a lot of freshman orientation activities, but it's been a pretty lonely day today. To be honest, I think I'm slightly homesick. I suppose it'll get better next week when classes actually start. I plan to go to church tomorrow (the one Josh told me about), and hopefully I'll make some friends. Despite what Liz says, I happen to think friends ARE a good thing. And I'm not even sure you can have too many.

  Speaking of Liz, I had to duck out tonight because her music was getting to me. It's so dark and hopeless and depressing–all these lyrics about pain and lost love and futility. And even though she doesn't play it all that loud, the bleakness started wearing on me. Anyway, I'm at the library right now and just went on-line hoping to find some encouraging bits of e-mail from friends or family–but there's nothing! All I had in my in box was a couple pieces of smutty spam and an ad from a credit agency. I suppose everyone else is too busy to write to me right now. I imagine them all having a good time, getting together with friends, sharing a few laughs. And I must admit to having to fight down some real waves of jealousy.

  Okay, I know I'm right where God wants me. But why does it feel so dark and lonely here? Why did I land such a miserable roommate? And what am I supposed to do about it?

  Suddenly this song is hitting me–“This Little Light of Mine”–and I know it's kind of juvenile, but it's making me smile. I remember how we
'd sing it in Spanish with the little kids down in Mexico, holding our fingers up like little torches and repeating over and over how we were going to let it shine everywhere.

  So I guess that'll be my theme song for right now. Pretty mature for a college coed, eh? But on the other hand, I think it's just what I need. Anyway, I'm heading back to the dorm, and I'll be singing that song all the way there. Then I may put on a good CD of my own–quietly, of course. I don't want to irritate my roomie. Not too much anyway.

  Sunday, September 8

  I couldn't believe Pastor Obertti's Sermon today. It was about being a light in the darkness! It's as if God wanted to confirm that my little song was truly from Him last night and that I really Am right where He wants me to be. Even though my roommate seems to be pretty dark, I can still be a light to her. God wants me to be His light, and I'm not to hide under anything. I feel so encouraged. Well, mostly anyway.

  Unfortunately, I feel a little discouraged to learn that, due to conflicts at the church, the college fellowship group has changed their meeting time from Wednesday nights to Tuesday nights (the same night as my English class!). I doubt there's any chance of changing my class since it looked like everything was full when I got that one. Still, I'll give it a try tomorrow.

  Liz, after sleeping in, has been gone all afternoon, which I must admit is something of a relief. It's not that I don't want to be a light to her today (because I do), but it's nice to have the room to myself for a few hours–kind of like I'm getting my bearings back. I've been reading my Bible and praying and listening to CDs …sort of strengthening myself to hopefully be a light for Him.

  Another bright spot in my day was having my mom call me earlier this evening. I never would have expected to be so happy to hear her voice. But I was. I even got a little weepy when it was time to hang up, although I didn't let on. I didn't want her to think that I wasn't handling everything and being mature. Anyway, she told me all the latest news. Aunt Stephie's so big she can hardly move around, and it looks as if she could go into labor any day. And Pastor Tony (who's usually so cool and calm) is acting just like any other nervous, first-time father-to-be. My brother Ben got picked for second-string quarterback for Leeland Middle School's eighth-grade team and wants me to let Josh know ASAP. (Josh had practiced with him a lot this summer.) And of course Mom asked about my new roommate.

  “Well, she's kind of different,” I told her.

  “Different?” I could hear a slight twinge of panic in my mom's voice, as if she was imagining me rooming with some Satan worshiper or drug dealer or something else equally abhorrent.

  “It's not like she's into drugs or self-mutilation or anything weird,” I reassured her. “But she's not exactly friendly, you know.”

  “Oh, maybe she's just shy, Caitlin. Remember how shy you used to be back in middle school?”

  “Yeah.” I nodded grimly. “Maybe that's it.”

  “You should try to be more outgoing to her, Catie. She probably just needs a good friend.”

  I kept my thoughts to myself regarding the “friend” topic, then listened as Mom filled me in on a few more things before she said she had to go and prepare some lesson plans for school. After I hung up the phone, I imagined my family going about their normal Sunday evening business. Mom with her first-grade lesson plans, Ben frantically trying to catch up on whatever homework he'd put off all weekend, and my dad at his computer or maybe watching a ball game. Except it was so strange to think that I was the one who was missing from the picture. I mean, usually when I've been away from home, I'm so busy and wrapped up with my own life that I don't take time to even consider what it might be like without me there.

  I'll really be glad when classes start tomorrow. Speaking of which, it's getting late. And despite my plan to be God's “little light” for Liz this evening, I think it's going to have to be lights-out for me. I have to get up early for an eight o'clock class in the morning.

  THREE

  Thursday, September 12

  Can people actually undergo a personality change without even realizing it? It's like I'm suddenly turning into someone else. Okay, not really, but sort of. I'm sure it has to do with being on my own and in a new place. Also I've been pretty busy with classes and homework, plus trying to adjust to my somewhat strange roommate. But somehow I feel like I'm not the same old Caitlin–and it worries me.

  Maybe I feel different simply because I'm no longer surrounded by my old friends and family. Sort of like I've been cut loose and set adrift amid this rolling sea that just carries me away. Of course, I know that God is here with me, and I believe He's at work, probably doing something totally amazing with my life. But my feelings right now seem slightly confused and unsettled. I'm sure it's because my old surroundings (friends and family) provided a kind of insulating culture for me. I could count on them to be there for me. And even when we didn't see eye to eye, I knew they still loved me. Here at college, it's as if all the rules have changed. At least that's how it feels.

  For one thing, my classes are so huge that I feel all but invisible, like it wouldn't even matter if I didn't show up. After the first week, some teachers don't even take roll call anymore–like they don't even care if you're there or not. But then I guess that's part of this whole adult responsibility thing–we're supposed to be mature enough to do what's right whether or not anyone else notices.

  In a way I think I'm lucky that God's been teaching me about this stuff already. And I feel kind of sorry for Liz because she's slept in and been late for a couple of classes already. (The only reason I know this is because I sneaked a peek at her schedule, which she left on top of her desk.) I know she has an eight o'clock class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But did I interfere and wake her up? You better believe I did NOT! And although my morning class wasn't until ten, I got up even before she did. I showered and then dressed quietly, gathered my things, and went down for breakfast.

  Josh was right about the dorm food. Although I've discovered if I get to the dining room early enough, I can get my hands on a yogurt and orange juice, which suits me just fine.

  Speaking of Josh, I finally got an e-mail from him yesterday. I'd written him to let him know I wouldn't be making the fellowship group because of my class. He said that was too bad but to make sure I go next term. Then he told me a little about Bible college. It sounds very cool, like they have this real sense of spiritual family and mission and stuff. And once again I'm trying not to be envious. I mean, I'm really glad for him that he's there, but when I hear these things, it makes me feel sort of left out in the cold.

  Which makes me think of Beanie and Jenny and Anna. I also got an e-mail from Beanie (about time!), and it sounds like those three are totally loving their new school. I wrote back and tried to sound equally happy and positive about the university, but I think Beanie will be able to read between the lines. She's always seen right through me. I really wish they could come over here for a visit–which I know is ridiculous, not to mention impractical. Sheesh, here it is just the first week of college, and I miss them all so much. I'm thinking how much I took for granted our time together in high school. What was I thinking? Right now, I wouldn't mind at all going back there. I can just imagine being in the old cafeteria, hanging with my friends … Okay, Caitlin, quit your dreaming! Time to wake up and do your homework.

  Friday, September 13 (rude awakening)

  Liz and I hardly crossed paths all week. Until this afternoon, that is. I finished my last class and came “home.” (I'm trying to start calling this place home, although it's a real stretch of my imagination.) Anyway, I decided to take a nap. For some reason I felt totally exhausted (another thing that's not usually like me). But I figured it was my first week at college with classes and maybe I was just plain tired.

  Anyway, it seems like I've barely drifted off to sleep when suddenly I hear this loud bang, and Liz throws her backpack on the bed and is just cussing up a blue streak.

  I jump out of bed, disoriented and still half asleep. “
What's going on?”

  “I thought I was alone!”

  “Are you okay?”

  Another string of off color words that end in: “none of your blankety-blank business.”

  “Fine!” I say, not bothering to hide my irritation. “Then if you don't mind I'll go back to sleep.” Of course, by now I'm wide awake and feeling fairly chagrined (don't you love that word?). But Liz keeps stomping around, making noise and cussing, though somewhat more quietly. All of which is really disturbing.

  Finally I sit up and say, “What in the world is wrong with you?”

  She sits down on her bed, folds her arms and crosses her legs, and scowls at me as if I've personally done something detestable, which I'm pretty sure I haven't.

  “Not that it's any of your business, but if you must know, Rachel is going out with Jordan.”

  Well, I know from taking phone messages that Jordan is Liz's guy friend, although I'm not sure if they are very serious or not.

  “Who's Rachel?” I ask, knowing I might be letting myself in for all kinds of trouble.

  “My supposedly best friend.”

  Well, now I must literally bite my tongue to keep from reminding Liz about how she “judiciously chooses her friends.” Instead, I just say, “Oh.”

  Liz studies me carefully then shakes her head. “I should've known something bad was going to happen today.”

  “Why?”

  She looks at me as if I'm really dumb. “It's Friday the thirteenth.”

  I nod, trying to think of something encouraging to say. Finally it hits me. “You know, I used to believe in stuff like that too.”

  Liz groans now, rolling her eyes. “Okay, here it comes.”

  “What?”

  “The big salvation sermon, right?”