The Joy of Christmas Read online

  Anna stared at her sister with impatience. “Explain.”

  “I think I want a divorce.”

  Anna blinked. “A divorce?”

  Meredith nodded, then looked down at her latte.

  “Are you serious?” Anna wanted to grab Meri by her shoulders and violently shake her. She wanted to say things like, “Are you crazy?” or “Have you lost your mind?” or “Have you forgotten that you and Todd have a child?”

  Meredith looked back up at her. “I am serious.”

  Anna sucked in a quick breath. “Why?”

  “It’s a long story . . .”

  “I have lots of time.” Okay, maybe that was an overstatement.

  “And Jackson still has an hour left at the babysitter’s.”

  That was another thing that Anna silently disapproved of. Meredith had gone back to work after only six weeks of maternity leave. Todd had encouraged her to stay home for the first year, pointing out that they would spend nearly half her salary on child care, but Meredith had insisted. And Anna still didn’t get it.

  “Okay, Meri,” Anna said, trying to sound a lot more understanding than she felt just now. “Tell me what’s going on with you and Todd.”

  “Remember how I felt we were drifting apart before I got pregnant?”

  Anna nodded. “Yes. But then it seemed like things changed.”

  “Things did change. But not between Todd and me. I was so obsessed with having the baby, I thought it was going to magically fix everything. But I was wrong.”

  “It seems unfair to expect a baby to fix everything, Meri.”

  “Yes, I know.” She sighed. “But I thought maybe it would make Todd and me closer. I thought it would ignite that old spark.”

  “From what I’ve heard, it’s usually just the opposite, isn’t it? I mean, the way you and Nicole were going on about it . . . well, it didn’t sound too good.”

  “Yeah, well, at least Nicole and Kent still love each other.”

  “Meaning?”

  “Meaning I don’t love Todd. And, despite the fact that he doesn’t want a divorce, I don’t think he loves me either.” Her eyes glistened with tears.

  Anna reached across the table and took her sister’s hand. “Oh, Meri . . .”

  “I wish it was different, Anna. Really, I do. But how can I be expected to stay in a marriage without love?”

  “Maybe it’s just a stage.”

  “That’s what I used to tell myself too.”

  “Maybe when Jackson is a little older . . . a little more independent . . . maybe things will get better.”

  Meri just shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “I just know.”

  “I don’t see how you can know that, Meri. I mean, Michael and I have had some rough times too. And that didn’t involve children . . . well, not exactly anyway. But we weathered those times. And we love each other more than ever now.”

  Meri looked at Anna with hopeful eyes. “Yes. And that’s what I want too.”

  “But you have to work at it, Meri. That’s what I’m saying. You can’t just throw in the towel.”

  “Sometimes you have to.”

  “But why? And what about your vows? You guys are Christians too. You’re supposed to take this kind of thing seriously.”

  “I do take it seriously.”

  “Then how can you give up?”

  Meredith looked down at her latte again, and something in her expression – perhaps that quick sideways glance – reminded Anna of when they were teenagers. It was the same look that Meri had gotten when she’d done something wrong – something that Anna had to try to cover up for her. Anna let go of her sister’s hand and sat up straighter.

  “What’s really going on?” Anna asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know what I mean, Meri. What’s really going on here?”

  Meredith pressed her lips together, then looked around, as if to see if anyone was near enough to hear her. “I’m in love with someone else.”

  Anna felt dizzy. She took in a deep breath to steady herself, wondering if this was another symptom of her illness or just an emotional reaction to Meri’s confession.

  “I know, I know . . .” Meri shook her head. “It’s wrong. And I’m not proud of it. But it’s the truth. And I just really needed to talk to someone – besides Todd, that is.”

  “Todd knows?”

  “Not really, but he might suspect something.” Meri looked down again.

  “Have you – have you been having an affair?”

  Meredith looked up with an offended expression. “No, of course not.”

  Anna held up her hands. “Hey, I don’t know. You have to admit, this is pretty shocking news, Meri.”

  “Like I said, I’m not proud of myself.”

  “Who is the guy?”

  “He’s a social worker too. His name is Cooper, and he’s – well, he’s everything that Todd is not.”

  “Is he married?”

  “Divorced.”

  “Oh . . .” Anna really didn’t know how to react to any of this. She couldn’t have been more surprised if Meredith had announced she’d just booked a trip to Mars on the next space shuttle. How had this happened? Why hadn’t Anna known?

  “I know you’re shocked, Anna. But really, who else could I talk to?”

  “It’s a lot to take in . . . I mean, I never would’ve guessed this in a thousand years, Meri. So, how long have you been, you know, in love with this Cooper dude?” Even saying that name felt foreign to Anna – like something acidic on her tongue. She had never met the guy, and she felt like she hated him already. And Anna didn’t hate anyone.

  “I’ve always admired him. He’s so great with people, and he loves kids.”

  “Does he have kids?”

  “A five-year-old daughter.”

  “But he’s divorced.”

  “Yes.”

  “How long?”

  “Not quite a year.”

  “Does he have custody?”

  “They share it.”

  “Oh . . .” Anna wanted to point out how complicated Meredith’s life would become. She’d seen these situations at school. Stepparents, stepchildren, stepsiblings . . . everyone trying to figure out where they fit in, trying to remember whose turn it was to have the kids. Kind of like Beth’s situation, only with more people involved.

  “And Cooper really loves Jackson,” Meri said.

  “He’s met him?”

  “Well, yeah . . .”

  Anna wanted to ask how but didn’t. “How does Cooper feel about you?”

  “The same.”

  “But you really haven’t slept with him?”

  “No.” Meredith firmly shook her head. “I wouldn’t do that, Anna. I’m not like that.”

  Anna wanted to scream, “You’re not like this either!” But it seemed pointless. Instead she said, “So, what am I supposed to say?”

  “I don’t know . . .”

  “You must know that I’m not supportive of this. You must know that all I can do is recommend that you work things out with Todd. Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor?”

  “I asked Todd to go with me more than a year ago, but he refused. He thought it was a waste of time and money.”

  “What about now?” Anna asked.

  “Now it’s too late.”

  “Really?” Anna peered curiously at her sister, trying to determine who this person was – and had she always been this way? Or had something changed? Was it partially Anna’s fault for not paying closer attention? In some ways, Anna had taken a parental role in her younger sister’s life, although they were only two and a half years apart. She’d helped her in school, with relationships, with planning her wedding; she’d even been Meri’s birthing coach when Jackson was born. What more could she have done? Paid closer attention, perhaps.

  “I knew you would take this hard,” Meredith said. “But I also knew that
I needed to talk to someone – I felt like I was about to explode.”

  “And you can,” Anna said. “Talk to me, I mean. It’s just that I can’t see how getting a divorce will be the best thing for you. A marriage is a lifetime commitment, something you have to work at, invest yourself into, and when it’s hard, you simply try harder . . . and eventually it smoothes out, your efforts pay off.”

  “Maybe for you.”

  Anna bit her lip.

  “I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

  “What about Todd?”

  “I feel bad about Todd. But I do not see how staying with him will help anything. We’re both miserable, Anna. Staying together won’t improve that.”

  “What about Jackson?”

  “Same thing. Staying in a lousy marriage isn’t good for children.”

  “Will you marry Cooper?”

  “I don’t know . . . maybe . . .”

  “But he’s been divorced, Meri. Don’t you see a pattern here?”

  “His wife had an affair.”

  “Oh . . .”

  “You’d like him, Anna. I know you would.”

  Anna felt certain that Meri was wrong.

  “He’s very sweet and genuine. And if you met him, you’d be shocked that I love him. I mean, he’s not even handsome.”

  Anna blinked. This was surprising. Meredith had always been attracted to the tall, dark, and handsome types. Like Todd. “You’re saying that he’s not attractive?”

  “He’s attractive to me, Anna. But he’s not what you’d call handsome. He’s actually sort of geeky looking.”

  “Geeky?”

  “Yeah. He’s starting to bald and he’s pretty skinny and he’s about the same height as me, so I can’t wear heels when I’m with him.”

  Anna shook her head. This was just too weird. Her sister sitting here in Starbucks talking about what kind of footwear she could sport with her new boyfriend. “So . . . what happens next?” Anna asked.

  “For starters, you can’t tell a soul.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t want to ruin Christmas.”

  “Right.” Anna shook her head.

  “I know, it sounds dumb. But it’s Jackson’s first Christmas, and I just wanted to get through it, you know? Dad and Donna are having us all over for Christmas Eve . . . and David and Celeste are expecting. And I just want everyone to be happy, you know. I don’t want to rock the boat.”

  “So, what then? The day after Christmas . . . you sink the boat?”

  “I’ll wait a week or so.”

  “Right . . .”

  “You think I should tell everyone now?”

  Anna considered this. She also considered the secret she was keeping from her family until after Christmas – or New Year’s. Perhaps between her and Meredith, they would simply cancel out the shock for one another.

  “You know I love you, Meredith,” Anna said finally. “And no matter what you do, I’ll always love you. But I really want what’s best for you.”

  Meredith smiled. “Then you should be happy for me.”

  Anna closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She felt sick again and dizzy still. She slowly opened her eyes and took a sip of water.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Just a stomach thing,” she admitted. “Leftover flu bug.”

  Meredith studied her closely. “I thought that stomach flu was months ago.”

  “Maybe this is a new one.” She forced a smile. “One of the fringe benefits of working with kids, you know.”

  “At least you only have two more days before Christmas break. That’s got to feel good.”

  “Yes. I can’t wait. Hey, you haven’t been over to see my Christmas tree yet.”

  “How about if I bring Jackson by on Saturday?”

  “Great.”

  “I want Christmas to be perfect for him. I know some people don’t believe that babies can remember things at this age, but I feel certain they can. And I want Jackson’s first Christmas to be happy and unspoiled.”

  Anna wanted to ask about the following Christmases. What about sharing custody? Who got Thanksgiving? Who got Easter? Surely Meredith had to realize that those holidays might not all be “happy and unspoiled.” But mostly Anna felt tired. All she wanted to do was go home and go to bed. Meredith was right about one thing today: Anna was counting the hours until Christmas break. She was ready for a rest.

  12

  “You’re working late again?” Anna said.

  “I’m sorry, sweetie,” Michael told her. “Can’t be avoided.”

  “But it’s Friday night and Christmas break has officially begun. I wanted to celebrate!”

  “Can we celebrate tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know.” She felt like pouting. “For all I know, you’ll decide to work again.”

  “I won’t. I promise. Tomorrow night I’ll be home and we’ll do something special. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “And if it makes you feel any better, you know that I’d much rather be home with you than working, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, I guess so . . .”

  “Come on, Anna. You know that’s the truth.”

  “Yes, I know. And I do appreciate how hard you’re working to make your business a success, Michael. Sorry to sound so grumpy. It’s just that I miss you.”

  “I miss you too.”

  “And I was going to make lasagna for dinner tonight.”

  “Oh, now you’re really making me feel bad.”

  “Good.”

  He laughed. “Well, just enjoy your leisure, little lady. Three and a half weeks to do whatever you please. I’m starting to feel jealous.”

  “Why don’t you take some time off too?” she said suddenly. “Maybe we could go do something – take a trip or something?”

  “It sounds great, honey. But you know how finances are just now.”

  “Oh, yeah . . .”

  “Maybe next year, when we’re all caught up.”

  “Yeah, sure . . . next year.”

  Anna tried not to feel sorry for herself when she hung up the phone. Then, as she was putting away the lasagna ingredients, she thought about poor Michael, slaving away at the office, probably sending for takeout again. Well, that settled it. She’d just go ahead and make the lasagna tonight after all. If she jumped right on it, she could have it delivered to Michael and his partner Grant in time for dinner.

  –––––

  She could hear the hot lasagna still bubbling beneath the foil as she slipped it into the cardboard box that she’d lined with kitchen towels. She’d already put a green salad, a loaf of French bread, and some plates and silverware in the car. She couldn’t wait to see the expressions on Michael’s and Grant’s faces when they saw their feast.

  She’d meant to call them but had gotten so busy that she’d forgotten. But they didn’t usually order out until around 6:30 anyway, so she thought she was safe. But when she got to the office, it looked like the lights were off inside. Still, she carried the box containing the lasagna up the stairs and knocked on the door. No answer. Had they gone out for dinner? Was she too late?

  “Hey,” a male voice called from the bottom of the stairs. “Is that you, Anna?”

  “Grant?”

  She could hear him clomping up the stairs now. “What are you doing here?”

  She held out the box. “Dinner.”

  “Wow, that smells amazing. But why did you bring it here?”

  “Aren’t you guys working late tonight?”

  “I’m not. Suzy and I have a Christmas party to go to.”

  “Oh . . .” She frowned.

  “But maybe Michael planned to work tonight.” Yet, even as Grant said this, she detected a question mark in his voice. As if he wasn’t too sure but thought maybe he was covering for his partner, which she found irksome.

  “Well, maybe I got my wires crossed,” she said. “I thought he was working tonight.”

  “Maybe he’s at home by now,” Gr
ant said. “Wondering what happened to dinner.”

  “Maybe so,” Anna said. And maybe Grant was right. Perhaps her lonely plea had gotten to Michael and, realizing that Grant was going to a Christmas party, Michael had changed his mind and gone home. For all she knew they might’ve passed each other in traffic just now – like the old proverbial ships in the night. “I better go,” she said quickly. “Before the lasagna gets cold.”

  “Lasagna?” He smacked his lips loudly. “Now I actually wish Michael and I were working late tonight. I haven’t had a good lasagna in ages.”

  “Maybe next time,” she called out as she headed back down the stairs.

  But when she got home, Michael wasn’t there. And, as far as she could tell, he hadn’t been there either. She set the lasagna box on the counter and frowned down at Huntley. “Guess it’s just you and me tonight, old boy.”

  She took her time serving up a plate for herself. She knew it was because she was hoping that Michael was going to pop in and surprise her. Perhaps with flowers or a bottle of wine. He did that sometimes – just for the fun of it. But it had been awhile since he had surprised her like that. And when she finally sat down to eat, it was by herself. And, although she loved lasagna just as much as Michael, it didn’t taste quite right to her tonight. She’d only eaten a few bites when her stomach began to feel upset again.

  So she focused on the bread and salad instead, but she soon realized it was useless. She had no appetite, just an uneasy feeling deep inside her. She didn’t want to think about it, but she couldn’t help imagining the insidious mass of cancer cells quietly growing deep within her. She cleared the little dining table, then set up her laptop and before long was surfing the Internet, looking for more information on ovarian cancer. She wanted to find something new and hopeful . . . something encouraging. But mostly it was just the same old story. The same list of symptoms, all the very things she was experiencing. And always, the same old advice to see your doctor as soon as possible. She even searched out some “alternative” sites, but their suggestions sounded a little scary to her. Plus she read from other more reliable sites that alternative medicine for the treatment of ovarian cancer was questionable and highly discouraged. Finally, feeling dejected and even more sick to her stomach, she turned off her computer and went to finish cleaning the kitchen.