On My Own Read online

  Thursday, October 10 (an escape)

  Okay, I'm trying really hard not to be mad at Liz for eating all the goodies my mom sent me this week. I mean, I told her to help herself, but I didn't expect her to go hogwild about it. Anyway, I know it's really petty to get all worked up about something so trivial, especially when I've got something great to look forward to this weekend!

  Bryce called tonight to ask if I might possibly want to hitch a ride home with him for the weekend. “I know how much you've been missing your family lately, and I was due for a trip myself–”

  “I'd love to go!” I hope I didn't scream in his ear. “My aunt just had her baby yesterday, and I'm dying to see him. I can't believe you called. God must've given you the idea.”

  So it's all settled; we're leaving tomorrow after my last class, and I should be home in time for dinner. I can't wait! I even e-mailed Beanie, suggesting that maybe they should consider a weekend at home too–like maybe we could have a mini reunion. I haven't heard back yet, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I e-mailed Chloe too, since I owed her one, and told her I'd be around if she wanted to get together for a cup of coffee or something. Her last e-mail makes me think she's approaching a real spiritual crossroads in her life just now, and I'd like to be as available to her as possible.

  I've tried to keep a lid on my enthusiasm around here since Liz seems glummer than usual tonight. I have a feeling things aren't going too smoothly with Jordan right now. Maybe that's why she ate all my goodies this week–stress eating. Anyway, I overheard her talking to him on the phone earlier. (It's hard not to eavesdrop when you share a room.) But she was complaining that they haven't found a place to live yet, and then she questioned him about how serious he actually was about the whole moving-in-together thing. Then she got really mad, cussed at him, and threw the phone across the room. I'm glad we each have our own phones.

  The whole time this was going down, I kept my head in my computer, pretending to furiously concentrate on a paper I'd already written that only needed a final proofing. I really wished there was something I could say to her but sensed my input (right now) would only make things worse. And even though I feel bad for her, I must admit that hearing her rant and rave like that makes my stomach twist and hurt. I had to take some deep breaths and force myself to relax. Then I really prayed for Liz (silently, of course). And I pretended not to notice when she crawled into bed with her clothes still on and switched off her light. I tried to hurry up and finish my proofing, then brought my books and journal to the lobby to finish up studying. I didn't really want to go to bed myself since it was only a little past eight.

  And I'm glad I came down to the lobby because it gave me a chance to get better acquainted with one of the Christian girls who lives in my dorm. Her name is Kim Murray, and she goes to the fellowship group. Interestingly enough, she was studying downstairs herself because she and her roommate weren't getting along too well either.

  “But I thought your roommate was a Christian,” I said after she'd told me a little about their argument.

  Kim frowned. “Lindsey may be a Christian, but she still has a problem with her temper sometimes.”

  I laughed. “Well, I guess we're all just human, right?”

  “Yeah, and some of us are more human than others.”

  I wasn't sure how to respond to that and decided not to go there right now. I closed my biology book and leaned back into the couch. Did I really want to get to know Kim better? To be honest, she can come across as a little stuck-up–the kind of girl who holds her head in a certain way, as if to show she's slightly superior to the rest of us.

  Kim closed her laptop and slipped it into what looked like a pretty expensive designer bag. “So, why don't you come to the fellowship group on Tuesdays?”

  I told her about my night class, then for some reason I decided to ask her about her major. Maybe I was just bored and not ready to go up to my room.

  “Social services,” She smiled.

  Now this took me slightly by surprise. “And why's that?”

  “I want to be a social worker.”

  “What does that mean exactly?” I felt stupid for asking this, because I do know a little about social workers, but I just couldn't imagine the chic Kim doing this sort of work.

  “Well, it could actually mean a lot of things, but what I want to do, specifically, is work in international adoption.”

  “Really?” I looked at this girl with fresh interest. Perhaps I'd been wrong in my first impression. Maybe she wasn't the spoiled, shallow type of girl that I'd imagined. Of course, that's usually the trouble with first impressions. But you'd think I'd have learned that by now.

  She nodded. “Did you know there are thousands of homeless children all over the world just waiting to be adopted into loving homes?”

  “Actually, I do know a little about it. I've spent a few weeks during the last two summers working at a mission down in Mexico. The main focus of the mission is to reach out to children–either orphans or impoverished.” I went on to explain about the kids who live at the garbage dump and how I've worked to raise money to help them.

  “That's so cool, Caitlin.” Her face brightened into a big smile. “I never would've guessed that you'd care about something like that. It looks as if we have something in common.”

  “What first made you interested in helping homeless kids?” I asked.

  “I was one of them once.”

  “Really? You were homeless?” I tried not to stare at her expensive clothing and jewelry. I mean, she could've been in an ad for Ralph Lauren or Tommy Hilfiger.

  “Yep. I was abandoned on the streets of Seoul, South Korea, in the middle of winter. They figured I was less than six months old at the time, although they never discovered my actual date of birth. A policeman took me to an orphanage that specialized in international adoption. Naturally, I was too little to remember any of this, but I imagine it wasn't very nice, and I didn't look too great. I've seen some pictures–I was skinny and ugly and had these awful open sores on my face when they first took me in. But the orphanage people fed and cared for me and eventually found me a good home here in America. And, well, here I am.”

  “Wow, I had no idea. That's so cool.”

  “I know. And last summer I got to take a trip to my homeland and to the actual orphanage and everything. That's when it hit me–I want to give back. I want to help others like me.” She leaned forward. “Did you know that they allow baby girls to starve to death in China just because no one wants them?”

  We talked until almost ten. Then Kim decided to call it a night, but I stayed down here a little longer to write all this in my diary. I feel so thankful that I got to spend time with this interesting girl. Oh, I don't know if we'll ever become close friends, but it's a possibility. And I just think it's so cool how God brought us together tonight. I wanted to ask her more about her situation with her roommate–like was Kim possibly interested in making a switch? But I suspect that would be a wrong move on my part. Still, you never know.

  THANKS, GOD, FOR DOING SOME REALLY GREAT THINGS IN MY LIFE LATELY. IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT JUST A WEEK AGO I WAS SO BUMMED. HELP ME NEVER TO LOSE SIGHT OF YOU, LORD. YOU ARE MY JOY. YOU ARE MY STRENTH. YOU ARE MY HOPE. I LOVE YOU! AMEN.

  SIX

  Monday, October 14 (a Weekend of R and R)

  I had such a great week end that it was a little hard to come back to school last night. In fact, all day long I've been wondering why I need to go to school here at all. I saw Andrea LeMarsh at church yesterday, and she says community college is just fine. But I know my parents would think that was a real step down for me. So here I am.

  But at least this weekend was a brief reprieve. First off, I got to see my new cousin, little Clay. He is such a sweet baby! Steph says he hardly fusses at all, and already he's looking much cuter than the picture Dad sent me. Steph was pretty tired since it was her first day home, so I didn't stay long. But it was so good to see her and Tony and Oliver–it seemed l
ike it had been forever.

  And I was just as glad to see my family too! And to sleep in my own room, although it looks completely different now. My mom's transformed it into her office/hobby room. But my old bed was still there, and that was somewhat comforting. Plus I didn't have to share the room with anyone! We didn't do much on Friday night (after visiting Tony and Steph), but that was just peachy with me. I was happy to be home. Chloe called that same night and asked if I could meet her for coffee the next morning. Her voice sounded different somehow, sort of serious and at the same time slightly mysterious.

  So I met her at Starbucks, and to my surprise she looked different. Oh, she still wore the same funny threads, had her dark hair kind of spiky, and had approximately the same number of piercings. But I could tell right off that something about her had changed. It was something in her eyes that gave it away.

  “Hey, you look great, Chloe,” I said as I gave her a hug. “What's up?”

  “Oh, nothing much.” But there was an unmistakable twinkle in her eye.

  As we ordered our coffee I was suddenly assaulted with the fear that perhaps she'd gotten herself a new boyfriend. I remembered how crushed she'd been the last time she'd gotten involved with a guy and then been dumped. I sure didn't wish that on her just now.

  “So how's your first year of high school going?” I already knew that she wasn't liking her new environment too much–another area where we shared common ground of late.

  She made a face. “Oh, it's pretty much the same. Too many insecure kids, like me I suppose, all trying to act cool but looking like complete morons just the same.”

  I laughed. “That sounds about right.”

  “But there is something …” She took a sip of coffee, peering at me over the heavy mug with what looked like a suppressed grin.

  “What?” I set down my cup with a thunk. “I can tell something's up, Chloe, and I'm dying to know. So just spill it, will ya?”

  She slowly set down her cup. “I did it.”

  I studied her face, still unsure where this conversation was headed, and to be honest, I suppose I was actually fearing the worst. “Did what?”

  She giggled. And I can say this is the first time I've ever heard Chloe giggle. I mean she's just not the giggly type. In fact, in that same moment, I was keenly aware of how Chloe was a lot like Beanie, and yes, even Liz, I suppose. And it struck me as just slightly ironic that I keep getting paired off with these types of girls. But then maybe it's a God thing.

  Chloe leaned forward and looked right into my eyes. “I invited Jesus into my heart.”

  Well, I'm sure my jaw must've dropped as I absorbed her words. Then I jumped up and hugged her. “Oh, I can't believe it! That's the best news I've heard in weeks. Tell me what happened.”

  She proceeded to tell me how she'd been reading the Bible (places I'd recommended for her to read–specifically the things Jesus had said). And then she said how she'd actually prayed this week, asking God to show her whether or not He was for real and if the things she was reading were true.

  “Well, this is where it gets a little strange,” she continued, “but hang with me here. I've probably never told you about how I like to walk around in the cemetery.” She paused as if waiting for my reaction, but I nodded like that was the most natural thing in the world. “Well, most people think it's pretty weird–and just slightly morbid. But I like it, and sometimes I've made up some pretty good songs there. Anyway, I went to the cemetery yesterday, just to walk and think. I pretty much did my regular route, except I stopped in an area that I don't usually stop in–probably because it's newer and I tend to like the older sections better. It's like they have more substance or something. Anyway, I sat down on this fairly new cement bench and leaned over to think. I guess I was wondering why God hadn't answered my prayer. I don't know what I'd been expecting. The thing is: I probably expected to be disappointed …” She took a sip of coffee and paused as if considering what she was about to say.

  “And?” I couldn't hide my impatience.

  “And I looked up at the gravestone, and right there on it were the exact words from one of the last verses you'd sent me–one that I'd been seriously thinking about. It's the one where Jesus says: “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

  I felt myself gasp just then as it hit me. “Were you–were you at Clay Berringer's grave?”

  She nodded her head. “Yeah, and it was so weird because I really didn't know him, and I never even went to his funeral or anything. But I did know he was a friend of Josh's, and yours too. And it seemed to bizarre that I was sitting in front of his grave and reading the same words you'd just e-mailed to me. All of a sudden I got all goose bumpy and actually started to cry, and somehow I knew.” She looked at me with what appeared to be tears in her eyes. “I just knew that God was doing the whole thing.”

  “Oh, Chloe, that is so cool.”

  She nodded. “And so I did it. I gave my heart to Jesus, right there in the cemetery.”

  “So how do you feel now?”

  She smiled. “Totally great!”

  “Have you told anyone?”

  She shook her head. “I almost e-mailed Josh yesterday. But when I got the e-mail that you were coming, I wanted to tell you first.”

  I reached over and squeezed her arm. “I'm so happy for you.”

  She took a deep breath. “Yeah, I can still hardly believe it myself. I keep thinking maybe I imagined the whole thing. But I really feel different inside. And I've been praying a lot since then and reading the Bible even more. I even wrote a couple songs about the whole thing.”

  “This is so cool.”

  Her face grew more serious. “But I'm not sure what to do next.”

  I nodded, thinking about it. “Well, praying and reading your Bible are probably the most important things, but you also need to start having some fellowship.” Now, it was funny as I said this because I was suddenly aware that I was giving advice that I needed to heed myself.

  “You mean like going to church?”

  “Yeah, that's part of it. But you also need to get in with a group of Christian kids your own age. Is there a good youth group at your parents' church?”

  Her face grew slightly cloudy. “I suppose so …”

  “Is there a problem?”

  “Oh, I don't know …” She looked down at her coffee. “I guess the youth leader is sort of …well, he's kind of a yuppie type, you know, and I just don't think I'd fit in too well.”

  I considered this. “Well, Josh used to go to my youth group. Maybe you'd like to try it–that is, if your parents don't mind.”

  She looked up and grinned. “I think they'll be so happy to see me involved in church that they won't care where I go. Well, as long as it's not some form of cult or something weird.” She laughed. “Although I'm pretty sure my dad thought I was turning into a satanist or something equally frightening.”

  “Are you going to tell them?”

  “Yeah, but I want to tell Josh first. Hey, did you know he's coming home this weekend too?”

  “Nope.” Despite myself, I felt my heart do that irritating little flutter thing at the mention of his name. “But then I didn't get any e-mail from him this past week. I guess he's been pretty busy with school lately. Maybe you can go to church with him on Sunday.”

  “Yeah, that sounds like a plan.”

  Then she asked me how it was going with my roommate, and I filled her in a little, even asking her to pray for Liz. “I think you'd sort of understand her,” I said. “Maybe even better than I do–we're as different as night and day.”

  Chloe smiled. “Just don't underestimate how God uses you, Caitlin. I mean, look at what happened to me after you got involved in my life.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I remember the first time I met you and I wondered what in the world we'd possibly have in common.”

  She giggled. “Yeah, and I thought what's this preppy-looking older chick doing hangin
g out with the likes of me?”

  “But God was really up to something.”

  Chloe slowly nodded her head as if the whole thing was still just sinking in. “Yeah, I guess He was.”

  We talked and joked for about an hour before Chloe had to head off to a baby-sitting job.

  “Do you like to baby-sit?” I asked her as we went out the door.

  “Yeah, I think little kids are great.”

  “Then I'll have to introduce you to my aunt. She has a preschooler and a newborn baby, and she just mentioned yesterday how she's looking for a good baby-sitter since all her old reliables took off for college this year.”

  “Sounds great.”

  Well, I couldn't help but smile as I drove home from Starbucks. To think that Chloe had given her heart to Jesus while sitting in front of Clay's grave. Only God could do something so totally cool. And then it struck me–I hadn't even told her that my aunt was married to Clay's brother or that this new addition to our family (that I was suggesting she might baby-sit) was actually Clay's nephew and namesake!

  As it turned out, Jenny did drive Beanie and Anna home for the weekend, and we all got together on Saturday afternoon. First we went to the mall and just hung out and caught up. Then we decided to pull an all-nighter at Jenny's house. It was so great to see my old friends. And it didn't take too long to learn that everything hadn't been going perfectly smoothly for them either. Anna had gotten a roommate who snores like a logger and lets her laundry pile up until the whole room smells like rotten tennis shoes. And although Beanie and Jenny were used to sharing accommodations, they'd never lived in such close quarters (in the same room), and even their relationship had begun to wear thin after the first couple weeks.