Becoming Me Read online

  Well, that’s fine and dandy, but what does it have to do with me, I wonder. And so, I just say, “Oh…” and stare at him blankly, wishing he wasn’t so darned good looking (and now even more so with that golden tan starting to deepen across his face, his arms, his legs). But wait a minute, I’m getting sidetracked here. So he continues, apologizing all over again about all the stuff that happened over a month ago.

  I just shrug and say, “I thought we’d taken care of that.”

  Then he hits me with, “But it seems like you haven’t really forgiven me, Caitlin. It’s like you’re still holding something against me.”

  “Oh…” I say again. “I guess I’m still working on that. I’m getting lots closer.” And then I smile. “And in fact, Josh, I think I have forgiven you—just now.”

  Well, he’s still holding onto my hand, which I must admit is making me pretty nervous. Then he smiles that big Matt Damon smile and it feels like I’m having a major meltdown. Now what do I do? How do I act? What’s going on here? And the sun is warm, and the breeze is fresh, and I’m certain I can actually taste the romance drifting over the air. And I’m scared to pieces that he’s going to kiss me—and I suppose I’m equally worried that he’s not. We just sit there for what feels like an hour, but is actually about a minute.

  Then I say, “I’m happy for you, Josh—I mean about accepting Christ. And I guess, if it was the right thing to break up with Jenny, then I’m happy for you about that too.”

  Then he finally lets go of my hand and says, “I was hoping that we could be friends, Caitlin. I really do like you and I know I blew it the first time with you. I was hoping you’d give me a second chance.”

  Now, I’m feeling totally confused. Okay, it’s fine that he wants to be friends, I guess. But the fact is I’m starting to have all these romantic feelings for him—like crazy! Now he’s saying he wants to be friends! Fortunately, common sense kicks in and I quickly agree, saying being friends would be just fine with me, and a couple of other things that I can’t even remember right now. But the whole time I’m thinking, what is going on with me?

  And now I know I’ll have to spend the whole night in prayer just to get over these feelings. Which is what I’ve been doing, and while it helps a lot, I’m still worried. I don’t think I even trust myself anymore. We have a track meet tomorrow (it’s at home so there’s no need to worry about some long sweaty bus ride), but I wonder how I’ll act towards him—or how he’ll act towards me.

  DEAR GOD, HELP ME. I FEEL LIKE I’M LOST IN THE WILDERNESS TRYING TO FIND MY WAY AND I’M NOT EVEN SURE WHICH WAY TO TURN.

  April 13, Friday (mixed feelings)

  My Dad came to my track meet today (Mom had to go watch Ben’s baseball game). I took first in high jump (no real competition to speak of there) but I didn’t even place in long jump (scratched twice and the third jump was really lame). Anyway, when my events were over I went up into the stands to say hi to my dad and sit with him for a while. It was pretty nice of him to leave work early to attend my meet, and I’m trying to be more friendly to him and getting used to the idea that he’s coming back into our lives.

  Anyway, while I’m sitting up there, Josh comes bouncing up the stairs. I can feel my face growing warm as I realize he’s heading right toward us. “Hi,” he says as he sits down right beside me. Then I have to introduce him to my dad, calling him “my friend, Josh Miller.” They chat briefly and then Josh takes off again.

  “Nice kid,” says Dad, eyeing me carefully. “Is he really just a friend?” Now, for some reason, this irritates me more than it probably should.

  “What do you mean?” I ask somewhat sharply.

  “All I mean, Catie, is that it just seems like he might be more than a friend. I was just curious, is all.”

  I shrug and shake my head. “He’s just a friend, Dad.” Then I go back down to the field. But I’m wondering why my dad was so curious about Josh. Is he getting all ready to give me some big speech about how “Christians should act”? I mean, that stuff might be a little hard to stomach, especially coming from a man who only recently nearly nuked his entire marriage. But I decided not to think about that.

  Then something pretty strange happened in one of the last sprint races. Josh actually beat Zach by just a hair and took first place in the 100 meters. But the part that is weird is that Josh didn’t get all puffed up by winning; instead he turned around and shook Zach’s hand and then patted him on the back. It was no help as far as my troubled heart is concerned. (I mean, for the fact that it only served to further endear Josh towards me—something I could really do without right now, thank you very much!)

  Then Josh came straight over to me and what could I do other than congratulate him, so I stuck out my hand and he took it, then pulled me into a long hug. Okay, now let me say this: Beanie and I have been hugging Zach each time he wins, and we hug each other too. It’s something we’ve been doing ever since we started going to youth group. Everyone hugs there—even the crosstown rivals. It’s like brotherly love, you know. But I had absolutely no intention of hugging Josh, especially in front of everyone (including Jenny who I happen to know was there—and I’m sure was none too happy considering Josh just broke up with her yesterday). I know it’s stupid, but I’m sure my face was flaming red when I finally stepped away from him. But then he looked down into my eyes and said, “For some reason, I think God helped me with this race today. But Zach will probably take all the rest.” Then he laughed.

  Now what healthy, red-blooded American girl wouldn’t melt down just a little at a scene like that? And did I mention he looks just like Matt Damon (same sparkling blue eyes, mussed-up blond hair, big white-toothed smile)? So, what can I say? That Caitlin Renee O’Conner is human? Big duh! It’s true, my heart did beat a little faster and for a moment (okay, more than a moment!), I wished we were more than friends. But honestly, deep down, I’m glad that it’s nothing more. I’m not ready. I don’t even think Josh is ready. Maybe in time…

  After the track meet, I rode home with my dad. Of course, he mentioned the embrace with Josh down on the track, but I quickly set him straight, saying we always hugged to congratulate each other—hadn’t he been watching? That seemed to shut him up. After we got home, we waited for Mom and Benjamin, and then we all went out for Chinese food. We actually had a pretty decent time. Tomorrow my dad is moving back home. And my mom seems okay about it. They plan to go out tomorrow night to celebrate. I just hope he’s really over Belinda now. I’m not sure that my mom could go through this whole thing again and still take him back.

  April 15, Sunday (dating decisions)

  Dad didn’t understand why we didn’t want to go back to our old church with him, but none of us really did. Mom told him he was free to go wherever he pleased, but that we were going to Faith Fellowship. And so he decided to join us. Afterwards he complained about a few things (like why didn’t they have their own church building and how the sound system reeked), but other than that, he seemed to sort of like it. He even said the pastor, although young, was pretty good.

  Today in youth group, Clay invited us to just ask questions and talk about whatever we liked. It was pretty fun. But what I really wanted to ask about was the whole girl-guy relationship stuff, and how we’re supposed to handle this as Christians. And just as I was thinking about how best to say it (remember how I write better than I speak?), a sophomore girl from McFadden (Beth Alberts) asked it for me. First, Clay said, there were some general guidelines in the Bible, mostly like not having sex outside of marriage, and then he said that beyond that he thought it was something everyone had to figure out for themselves—like a personal conviction (which he has told us about before).

  Then he went on to say, “I know that for me, it would be wrong to get romantically involved with a girl right now.” (And I think I saw a curtain of disappointment fall over Beth’s face just then, but it could just be my imagination.) Then he asked others what they thought about girl-guy relationships. Several people sa
id a few different things—more questions than anything. And I was pretty curious if Zach or Beanie would speak up, then Zach did.

  He said, “Clay’s right about it being a personal conviction. I think some people can handle having a boy-girl relationship if they keep their priorities straight, but it can be harmful to others.”

  Beanie nodded then added, “Like Zach and I are really good friends, and we have been for several months, but if our relationship slowly grows into something more and we feel in our hearts that we’re obeying God, then it’s okay.”

  I glanced over at Clay, curious as to his thoughts, and I suspect he wasn’t totally convinced, but he didn’t say anything. We all kicked the subject around for the rest of our time, not really coming to any clear-cut conclusions other than sex outside of marriage was a big no-no. Although a couple kids even questioned this, but Clay very gently offered to talk to them privately about it later, which I think was nice, but Clay’s just like that.

  Tonight, I’m thinking about all this stuff too. Okay, I’ll admit it, I’m thinking about Josh as well. I know he said we’re just going to be friends, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he asks me out someday. And I want to get this whole thing straightened out in my mind just in case he does. And if he doesn’t—well, it wouldn’t hurt for me to think about this anyway.

  So, I’m wondering, what’s wrong with dating? To tell the truth, I think it might be a good thing. I mean, it teaches us how to act around the opposite sex, right? What’s wrong with that? It’s not like dating is going to lead everyone right into having sex (like my dad used to imply), which, by the way, brings me to a very interesting point. If dating leads to sex, then how can my dad claim that he escaped without having it when he was obviously seeing (shall we say dating?) Belinda all that time? I’ll have to remember that point if Dad ever tries to discourage me from dating in the future. Okay, so for now, I think dating is okay, but sex isn’t. That seems simple and clear-cut enough.

  FOURTEEN

  April 20, Friday (on being friends)

  Rumors have been circulating this week that I’m after Josh Miller. The whole thing makes me really mad, considering how hard I’ve tried to stay out of the whole thing with him (ever since my big heartbreak that is). And I don’t think I’ve actually done a single thing that could’ve been misconstrued as “being after” him or anyone else for that matter. I mean, we talk occasionally at track practice, but he’s ALWAYS the one who initiates it—just ask anyone on the team.

  Beanie said she heard Heather and Jenny talking in her math class today and she figures that’s where the rumors started. It turns out Jenny is just furious because she wanted to go to the prom with Josh. I’m thinking, now, is going to the prom with a certain person so important that you’d stay together no matter what, just so you could attend some silly dance with him? Of course, then I have to admit I did the same thing with the Valentine Dance. Now I know how stupid I was then. Apparently Jenny still thinks like that. But if you ask me, it’s completely shallow and totally dumb! I mean, Jenny could get any guy to take her to the prom. Why doesn’t she hit on Nathan Parker again? I heard he’s not dating anyone right now.

  Anyway, all week long I’ve been telling myself not to get all worked up about these stupid rumors. That’s all they are. And anyone who knows me knows that I’m not chasing after Josh. (Okay, so they don’t know what I’m thinking—even I don’t always know that—but even if I’m thinking about him occasionally, I’m not showing anything on the outside!)

  I guess I shouldn’t have been too shocked when on the way home from our track meet (an away one) Josh sits by me and asks if I’ve heard the rumor. I say yes and try to laugh it off as a big joke. Then he gets sort of serious and says, “Well, it wouldn’t be impossible—things like that do happen.”

  I turn and look at him (big mistake!) and then quickly say, “Sure, things like that happen. But we’re just friends, right?”

  He nods sort of slowly then adds, “Is it okay for friends to go out together?”

  Now, I wasn’t really sure what he meant by that. “You mean like going out to get a Coke or something?” I ask, feeling pretty dense.

  Then he smiles. “Yeah, Caitlin, you know how friends do.”

  So, I say, “Sure, I don’t see why not,” but I can feel my cheeks starting to grow warm because I was thinking he’d been going to ask me out on a date—and I know I would’ve said yes.

  But he didn’t and I guess I had sort of mixed feelings about it.

  After we got back to school and showered and dressed, Beanie and I were waiting for Zach (to give us a ride) and he came out with Josh (in fact, they’re getting to be fairly good friends). Then Zach says, “Hey, do you girls want to come with us and get some pizza or something?” Beanie looks at me questioningly (remembering, I’m sure, how I wanted to kill her the last time they tried to set up what felt like a double date) so I quickly said, “Yeah, sure. I’m starved.”

  Josh let me use his cell phone to call home (since my dad’s back I’m trying to check in a little better), and, of course, Beanie and Zach didn’t need to check in with anyone, then we took off in Josh’s Jeep Wrangler (with me in the front and Beanie and Zach in the back). This time I didn’t even complain! So we went out for pizza and then we played some silly video games at this hokey arcade that Benjamin likes to go to sometimes. And that was it. I’m still not sure if that even qualifies as a date—or was it just friends doing something together? The latter, I think.

  Anyway, it didn’t seem to be such a problem. Although I must admit to being slightly uncomfortable when I realized that Beanie and Zach were actually kissing in the backseat. For some reason that bothered me. I’m not even sure why.

  April 21, Saturday (a date)

  Josh called me at home today. He asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with him—a new release that I’d actually been wanting to see. I was tempted to ask him if this was a date or just friends doing something together. But decided not to. In my mind I was thinking it was a date. And that was okay.

  As it turned out, my dad jumped to the same conclusion when I announced that I was going to a movie with Josh. I looked him right in the eye, all ready to proceed with my Belinda Defense, but he didn’t say anything. I could tell he wanted to. But Mom was right there too, and I don’t think he wanted to make a scene. Very wise, Dad. Anyway, it took about twelve outfits before I could decide what to wear. It’s getting pretty warm now and I finally decided on a blouse that’s cut sort of short around my midriff, and I suppose a little skin was showing. But it’s no big deal. At least not to me. However, I’m pretty certain I saw my dad’s nostrils flair as I went out the door with Josh. Get over it, Dad.

  The movie was pretty good. I honestly think they could have handled the sex scene differently. I mean did the camera have to go in so close that you could almost smell their breath when they were kissing? If my dad was worried about me showing a little skin, then he should see this. I’ll admit it, it was a little embarrassing! And, yes, it was rated R. But why do they make movies that they know kids will want to see and then rate them R—isn’t it just to make us feel grown-up and want to go? I don’t get it. They never even check for ID at the ticket booth.

  But here’s the truth, and I would never in a million years admit this to my dad (or any other grown-up for that matter), but seeing these people up there practically doing EVERYTHING on the big screen somehow makes it seem like it might actually be okay to do it.

  Now, I know that it’s wrong—and I know what I’ve said—but somehow seeing it like that sort of makes it seem acceptable (and the characters in the movie weren’t even married!). And while I’m on this subject, have you ever noticed how almost all the TV shows and commercials and everything else just seem to say it’s okay? I mean, why is that? If it’s not okay, then why doesn’t someone make them stop sending these messages? That’s what they are—messages. And we all know what the messages say, don’t we?

  Okay, you’ve probabl
y already guessed where I’m going with this. And my promise from the start of this diary has been to be totally honest. Well, after the movie we got some ice cream and then we went for a walk in the park. Sounds pretty innocent, doesn’t it? Well, one thing led to another and pretty soon we were kissing. I won’t go into all the details, except to say that it felt good. Really good! And Josh’s hands were on me—kind of like in the movie—and although it made me nervous, it felt good too. But suddenly we were both breathing really hard and pressed up against each other and I knew that something was going wrong here. And I knew it was up to me to break it up.

  So I gave him a big push away from me, caught my breath, and told him we had to stop. It took him a moment, but then he finally said, “Yeah, I got carried away. I’m sorry, Caitlin.” And well, what could I say? I mean, it was as much my fault as his, wasn’t it? So I suggested we call it a night and he drove me home without saying much.

  He walked me to my front door and apologized again. “I want it to be different with us, Caitlin,” he said. “I want to do things right with you.” Well, I knew he was referring to how things had been with Jenny, and I must admit although I was relieved that he wanted to “do things right” the idea of him and Jenny together (doing it) made me extremely uncomfortable. I know I said something in response, but I can’t recall exactly what except that it was pretty insignificant. Then he kissed me good night.

  And now I’m in here wrestling with all these confusing feelings. I really want to talk to someone about it, but don’t know who. Not my mom, and for sure not my dad. I know what Aunt Steph would say now (I wonder what she would’ve said last year!). I cannot imagine talking to Clay about anything like this—sometimes I wish Josh was more like Clay (or do I?). Maybe Beanie can help me. I’m sure she’ll understand all this. In fact, she’s probably going through a lot of the very same things. Unless what those two suggested in youth group is really true, and that they really do have everything under control. But how could they possibly? I’ve seen them making out! Anyway, I’ll ask Beanie to do something with me after church tomorrow, maybe go to the mall or something, and then we’ll talk.