Becoming Me Read online

  After the meet was over we all piled our wet and smelly bodies into the detestable bus. Beanie and Zach were already sitting together (no big deal) and so I grabbed the empty seat in front of them, and the next thing I know Josh Miller flops down right beside me! Now, it’s a free country and people should be able to sit wherever they want on a bus (I think Rosa Parks established this!), but there were plenty of other seats for him to sit in (and plenty of willing people, especially girls, to share them with Josh), so I just don’t see why he had to go and sit right next to me.

  Completely ignoring him, I turned around and began talking to Beanie and Zach, going on quite extensively about how wonderful Zach had done in his events (I’m sure to Zach’s embarrassment since he’s really pretty humble about his athletic abilities). Then Josh, just as cool as you please, turns around and starts agreeing with me, congratulating Zach and asking all about his previous track records and stuff like that.

  Well, let me tell you, I don’t like Josh Miller sticking his nose into my little world. What right does he have to talk to my friends anyway? Finally, I just turned back around in my seat and stared out the fogged up window, and, I have to admit, sulked. Why was he doing this in the first place? Since when has Josh Miller cared about anyone but himself? Was he just trying to torture me? And if so, he was doing a really great job at it. But why? It was hard for me to believe that he really wanted to talk with Zach.

  Then like a flash, it hits me—of course he wants to get to know Zach better. I mean, Zach Streeter is Harrison High’s most promising track star at the moment. And stars like to know stars (it’s like they’re attracted to the mutual light or something—probably just hoping it will shine a little brighter on themselves!). So, anyway, I decided that’s what was going on: Josh was just trying to get cozy with Zach so he’d look better. Okay, I guess I can live with that. And so, I tried not to be too infuriated as I sat there, leaning my head into the window, pretending to be asleep.

  But then a totally disgusting thing happened. Detestable! (I’m sure that’s how Jane Austen would describe it, and I’ve been reading her books again.) And, sure, I have no one to blame for this but myself. (Well, that and the fact that Josh’s body is pressing close to mine as he takes up more than half of the seat!) The next thing, I realize that I’m thinking about him again, in that way. Yes, as nauseating as it sounds, I start imagining him with his arm around me, kissing me, and everything! And I have to admit I did actually enjoy those feelings (be it ever so briefly), but then the realization hits me, and it just makes me sick! What is wrong with me? How could I so easily fall into such stupidity?

  Thankfully, the whole episode only lasted a few seconds. But it scared me just the same. I started to wonder if Josh might possibly have some sort of power he could use over me (like a love potion). Now I know that’s totally ridiculous. At least I think it is. But just to be safe, I’ll try to keep more distance between us from now on.

  But here’s the part that’s really bugging me about this whole Josh Miller thing. When Zach took Beanie and me home, he told us how he thinks Josh is, in his own words,“spiritually searching.” He went on about how he wants to get to know Josh better and share some stuff about Jesus with him. In no uncertain terms, I told Zach that Josh has a perfectly good youth pastor who has probably shared all sorts of things with him by now. But that didn’t seem to satisfy Zach and I figured it really wasn’t any of my business anyway.

  Furthermore, why should I resent anyone wanting to share Jesus with someone as shallow as Josh? I, of all people, should know how badly he needs it. It’s just that I’m trying so hard to keep some space between me and the guy who (not so long ago) caused me so much pain. And, let me say here and now, just because I haven’t gone on and on in my diary about Josh Miller and how badly he broke my heart does not mean that I am over him. Ha! If only it were so. The hideous truth is, I am scared to death that if he snapped his fingers at me, I might actually come running back to him.

  The worst part is that I’m even more afraid that I might possibly turn my back on God! I just couldn’t live with myself if I did that. So, please, is it too much to ask to keep Josh Miller completely out of my life?

  GOD, I’M NOT ASKING THAT YOU STRIKE THE GUY DEAD OR ANYTHING THAT DRASTIC, BUT COULDN’T YOU JUST KEEP HIM AWAY FROM ME? I’M SURE NO GOOD CAN COME OF HAVING HIM AROUND. WHAT IF HE AND ZACH SHOULD BECOME FRIENDS? I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’D DO! PLEASE, HELP ME, GOD. AMEN.

  April 7, Saturday (strangely answered prayers)

  Last week, Zach invited Beanie and me to go to a Christian rock concert. I know that sounds like an oxymoron. (Don’t you just love that word? My writing teacher, Miss Tyler, uses it a lot, and it means when words seem to contradict one another—like an “honest politician” or a “tidy pig.”) A music group that Zach says is really good was coming to a city that’s a couple hours from here, and Zach wanted to drive over and see it. The one good thing about my parents’ marital problems (which still remain sadly unresolved although I did give my dad a piece of my mind this week) is that Mom rarely questions where I go, and she seems to trust Beanie a lot more, and she likes Zach too.

  So anyway, Beanie comes skipping up to my door around five o’clock as planned (we want to get there in time to eat and make it to the concert in time to get good seats). I climb into Zach’s backseat (not because he and Beanie are dating or anything, but because she’s known him longer than me and I don’t want to intrude), but who do you suppose is sitting in the back of Zach’s car? JOSH MILLER!

  Now, this is just way too much for me! I’m about ready to scream and bail, but Zach is already taking off down the street. I actually wonder if I could possibly shove Josh out of the moving vehicle without making too much noise. Instead I just glare at him, and then finally, in a really icy voice, I say, “You guys didn’t tell me that anyone else was joining us tonight.”

  Well, Zach just sort of laughs then says, “Sorry, Caitlin, I told Josh that you might not appreciate his company, but he insisted on coming anyway.”

  I narrow my eyes and then turn to face Josh. “You insisted on coming?” Well, he just sort of shrugs, then smiles that stupid Matt Damon smile that used to just melt me. Not today!

  “Yeah,” he says somewhat sheepishly. “Zach told me about this rock concert where they sing about Jesus, and it sounded kind of interesting to me. I asked if I could tag along.”

  Well, I hated to spoil this evening for everyone, but I was really getting upset. So I said, “Fine! But is it really necessary for you to sit next to me?” Then I gave Beanie a hard shove in the front seat (figuring she had as much to do with this as anyone) and said, “If someone doesn’t do some seat switching and fast, I may just take a flying leap and jump right out of this vehicle.”

  Josh laughed and said, “Yeah, I’ve seen her jumping at the track meets, I’m pretty sure she could do it.”

  I turned and looked at him (curious but saying nothing and showing no expression). Finally, Zach reached a place where he could safely pull over, and Beanie and Josh changed seats. “Thank you,” I said in a stiff voice once we started moving again. Then I gave Beanie a scathing look that I hoped was worth about a million really furious words.

  After a few minutes, the three of them began to chat (quite congenially I must admit), and I suddenly felt like the odd man out. That made me really, really mad! I’m thinking how dare Josh come in here and mess up my happy world. I mean, already (because of him) I have been thrown out of his “elite” world, what right does he have to come in here and ruin mine? I’d really been looking forward to this concert!

  I tried praying, but all I could think of was, “God, how could you? Especially when I specifically asked you to keep Josh at a distance!” Then, after about an hour of moping, I began to listen to what the three of them were talking about. It turned out Josh was asking Zach some fairly deep questions about faith and stuff. Real thinking kinds of questions. I could tell he was in a similar place to where he’d been on
that stupid ski retreat weekend. I began to feel guilty about my attitude.

  I’ve heard that God works in some pretty strange ways, and maybe I just needed to back off a little and allow that God might actually touch Josh’s life by using my two dearest friends. Why was I being so selfish anyway? So, I gave the whole thing up to God. If this was meant to be, I sure didn’t want to stand in God’s way or be a wet blanket. At that point I actually began to warm up a little, entering the conversation here and there. At dinner (where I made sure Beanie sat right next to me) things got even better. But still I tried to avoid all eye contact with Josh. I just wasn’t ready for that. When the concert began, I grabbed Beanie and made sure she sat right next to me. I don’t think she was too happy about that, because to tell you the truth I think she’s starting to think of Zach as more than a friend these days, but I didn’t give her a choice.

  Somehow, during the intermission, the seating got switched around (and in Josh’s defense I think it was Beanie who did the switching) so I just decided to totally ignore Josh and focus all my attention on the band performing on the stage (which as it turned out were pretty good). Finally the concert ended, but the maddening thing was that we got separated on our way out, and naturally I ended up stuck in the crowd with Josh. I don’t know exactly why this was so horribly frustrating to me (other than all the previous things I’ve already mentioned), but for some reason it was so bad that I was actually embarrassingly close to tears. All I could think was, why did this keep happening to me?

  It was about at this point when Josh leaned over and said he had something to tell me. I looked up at him in pure frustration and said, “What?” in a rather hostile voice.

  Then he calmly said, “You have every right to hate my guts, Caitlin. And it seems pretty apparent that you do. But I just want to tell you I’m sorry about everything that happened on that ski retreat and the whole thing with Jenny afterwards. I know it was wrong of me and I made a great, huge mess of everything. I’m really sorry I hurt you like that. But I’ll understand if you don’t want to forgive me.” Well, I must admit that took me by surprise, and by that time we were almost out to the parking lot, but I figured I better clear this up right then.

  “Well, Josh,” I said, hoping to sound more gracious than I felt, “I suppose I have to forgive you, because that’s what being a Christian is all about, which I am, by the way, and I have absolutely no intention of messing that up. And yes, you did hurt me—you hurt me a lot.”

  Then something occurs to me, right out of the blue, something I haven’t actually seen until just this moment, but I decide to go ahead and say it anyway. “I suppose I should really be thankful, Josh, because due to the fact that you were such a total sleaze, I actually began to look for God in a really serious way. And I found him, and since that moment my life has been going pretty well—other than the fact that you keep showing up, that is!”

  Just then I spotted Beanie and Zach and began hurrying toward them. I could hear Josh chuckling as he jogged behind me. “Well, you sure know how to cut a guy down to size,” he said just before we reached them. Without answering him, I grabbed Beanie and made certain she sat in the back with me. I didn’t care how badly she wanted to sit next to Zach, and I wouldn’t mind telling her so later!

  That was pretty much that. In some ways I guess I should be thankful for everything that happened this evening, even if it was uncomfortable. Maybe it was just God’s way of giving me the opportunity to take care of some unfinished business—closure, you know. Maybe now I can move on in my life whether Josh Miller happens to be lurking about or not. Most of all I hope he’s not. Yet to be totally honest, a small part of me hopes that he is (but it’s a stupid part of me that I really do hate!).

  THIRTEEN

  April 8, Sunday (Easter Sunday, and a mishmash of thoughts)

  In youth group today, Clay talked about forgiveness again. He told about how when Jesus went to the cross it was the perfect example of forgiveness (being willing to die to yourself to forgive another).

  I listened pretty carefully, since that’s been the main theme of my life lately. Actually, he talked almost as much about unforgiveness. He said when we refuse to forgive others, it’s impossible for us to receive God’s forgiveness. That’s why Jesus said, “Forgive as I forgave you.” Clay said that means to forgive totally (like Jesus did on the cross—nothing halfway about that!). And then he challenged us to search our hearts to see if there was anyone we needed to forgive today.

  I have to admit that I haven’t totally forgiven my dad for leaving us (not to mention Belinda). To be honest, I think I haven’t totally forgiven Josh either. Although I do think I’ve forgiven Jenny. I’ll have to keep working on Josh and Dad and Belinda. But Clay said that God can help us to forgive, and so I’ve been asking for help. I guess that’s as good a place as any to start.

  Clay is so wise and spiritual. I can’t believe he’s only eighteen. Maybe it’s because his mother died when he was little. Anyway, I’m sure he’s spent his whole life serving and believing in God (and so he’s way ahead of me in that regard). Sometimes it just seems like he has all the answers, and I think I could sit and listen to him for about a year and a half and not get a bit tired of hearing him. Okay, does that mean I have a crush on him? Actually, I’m not entirely sure. I suppose I just might. Still, I’m trying really hard not to think of him like that, because I understand how distracting that can be in a good relationship. Right now I’m just so glad to have him as a good friend. It’s true that I really do admire him. And I happen to know he doesn’t have a girlfriend (Beanie actually asked him that right in the middle of youth group!).

  Speaking of romance, I was totally on the money with Beanie and Zach. She told me today that their relationship has changed recently, and that they are definitely much more than friends now. I acted like I was all happy for her and everything (I mean, she hasn’t had a boyfriend since middle school and that was just puppy love anyway), but the truth is, it worries me a little. Mostly I’m afraid that if they run into problems, or break up, they might end up losing what seems to have been a really great friendship. But on the other hand (maybe I’m just being too negative) who knows, they might end up having a really amazing romance! They’re both trying really hard to follow God. I’m sure they know what they’re doing. And I wouldn’t dare say anything negative to Beanie right now (especially considering my level of expertise in such matters), and besides, I just don’t want to rain on her parade (which according to Miss Tyler is a tired old cliché and should never be used in good writing).

  Now, here’s the deal with my dad. Last week I confronted him, and it went surprisingly well. He told me that the only reason he had been with Belinda that night was to end things with her. Well, I ask you, do you take a woman out to dinner to break up? I guess it works in his favor that it wasn’t a fancy restaurant (although they do serve pasta dishes at the pizza place). Anyway, I sort of believe him (not totally though).

  He and my mom went out again this week. And today I hear that he is wanting to move back in with us (which Mom says probably has as much to do with money as love). My mom’s not sure what she wants to do, but Aunt Steph is encouraging her to take him back (something she never would’ve said just a year ago!). So, my mom told him she’s “thinking” about it. Here’s what worries me (self-centered as it is): What if my dad moves back in and starts getting all uptight about how much I’ve been getting to do lately. Like, I can go pretty much where I want with my friends, and mom even lets me drive her car, and all sorts of things. I really don’t want to lose all this freedom just because my dad decides to get all paranoid again.

  But here’s the really hard part, I know the Bible says I’m supposed to obey my parents, so if my dad is all super strict and uptight, does that mean I really have to do what he says? What if I want to challenge him about something that seems totally unfair. Oh, crud!

  (something I found in my Bible this evening)

  “Don’t be anx
ious about anything, but pray about everything…”

  Okay, I guess there’s no point in getting all worked up over what my dad may or may not do if he does or does not move back home. I guess I’ll just pray about the whole thing, and wait and see what happens.

  April 12, Thursday (major confusion)

  Okay, here I am having what I think is a pretty good week. Track practice has been going well. No big huge conflicts at school. Miss Tyler even read one of my stories out loud to the class (as an example of “excellent” writing!). And Jenny has actually spoken to me several times (not that I want to get all involved with her again). Plus it looks like my family’s getting back together this coming weekend. So for the most part life is basically good.

  Then at the end of track practice this afternoon (after a good workout) I’m enjoying a quiet moment in the spring sunshine, relaxing by myself on the big landing pad in the high jump pit. Just minding my own business and watching cloud formations in the sky. And definitely not looking for any company. So, along comes Josh Miller, and he flops down right next to me! I just roll my eyes and ask who invited him over. He laughs (like I’m joking, which I’m actually not!) then starts to talk to me in a real serious voice.

  Part of me says, get up and run, Caitlin! But another part is curious and wants to listen. Then Josh tells me that he too has accepted Christ as his personal Savior at his church last week (on Easter Sunday). I smile and say I’m glad for him, and I really am. Then I get up because I want to leave, but he reaches over and grabs my hand. “That’s not all,” he says looking right at me with those clear blue eyes. “I broke up with Jenny today.”