Becoming Me Read online

  Well, let me tell you, I just kept sailing right over that bar better than I’d ever done before until Mr. Reynolds finally set it at five feet! And I think that kind of threw me off, and then I couldn’t clear it anymore. Disappointed, I walked over to him, ready to hear the sad news that I hadn’t made the team. But instead he just shook my hand and said, “Welcome to the team.” He didn’t even ask to see my long jump or whether I could run or not (which I’m thinking I might prefer not to do). I know it seems kind of silly on my part, but I was so happy I almost cried. Almost!

  Then Zach and Beanie and I went out for burgers at lunchtime to celebrate making the team, and I told them about how I actually prayed before jumping, and then I even told Zach about how I’d asked Jesus into my heart last night. Both of them were so excited about the whole thing. I couldn’t believe how much better I feel being friends with these guys than I ever did with Jenny and the rest of the bunch.

  I guess maybe sometimes you just need to sample some unpleasant things to understand how much better the other things are.

  March 23, Friday (a very good week)

  I know it seems incredible, and I can hardly believe it myself, but this has been one of the best weeks of my entire life! It’s especially amazing when I consider how less than three weeks ago, I was seriously considering suicide as an answer to my messed up life. But I think, even then, that God was protecting me.

  THANK YOU, GOD, FOR WATCHING OVER ME EVEN WHEN I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU WERE THERE.

  Track practice has been great all week (hard work and sore muscles, but worth it). And as it turns out, Coach Reynolds is a Christian (I think that’s part of the reason Zach wanted us to come out for track); anyway, he’s a nice coach and really encouraging. And our little team is pretty good too (although I heard some of the kids are gone this week because of spring break). But I really feel like I’m fitting in with everyone on the team, and getting to know some new kids.

  Nathan Parker (remember, my Valentine’s Dance date) is on the team too (he throws discus and shot put), and he actually said hi to me today. I said hi back, but nothing else. Not that I’m trying to be unfriendly, but somehow I don’t really care if I don’t have anything to do with that particular group of kids anymore. It’s like this big heavy weight has been lifted off me just knowing that I’ll never have to perform for those kids again. Let me tell you, it’s so much better just being myself and hanging with people like Beanie and Zach (especially more so now that I have a relationship with God—which keeps getting better, by the way!).

  And things have even gotten better on the home front too. Tonight (of all things) my dad has actually invited my mom to go out on a date with him. Pretty funny. But she agreed, making no promises for anything more than just dinner. I’m glad she’s going though. I was starting to get worried that her resistance might actually push Dad straight into Belinda’s arms. The truth is, I’d like to see my family get back together, eventually. Even now, I’m working on forgiving Dad (although it’s not easy). He’s even called and talked to me a couple of times now where I haven’t actually hung up on him.

  I thought about telling him that I became a Christian, but somehow I couldn’t do it. The timing didn’t seem right. But I will, eventually. Maybe I need to totally forgive him first. To be honest, I’m having a hard time with that. But like Zach keeps saying about track and stuff, “all things are possible with God.” (Actually I think he got that from the Bible, but it’s a good promise just the same!)

  March 25, Sunday (last day of spring break)

  I almost hate for spring break to end. It’s been so fun (and relaxing not having to be at school). But I think I’m a lot stronger and ready to face things again (Jenny et al). I feel like I’ve really grown this week and I think I can actually walk through the halls holding my head up (not in pride, but just without the old humiliation).

  Okay, I’ll admit that it probably doesn’t hurt any that I just got my hair cut (and it looks pretty good—not that I think looks are that big of a deal!). My dad took Benjamin and me to the mall this afternoon (after church) and bought us some things. I got a few new items of clothing which might help bolster my confidence. But let me make this perfectly clear—I am not ever going to turn into that shallow girl I used to be! Still, it’s fun to look nice; and I’m pretty sure it’s not a sin. I mean, just look at all the beautiful green leaves and flowers starting to bloom around us and you have to know that God appreciates beauty too!

  So, anyway, I’m ready to go to school with Jesus in my heart and a whole new outlook. And if I see Jenny and her bunch making fun of me, well, I’ll just smile their way and forgive them and keep minding my own business. Maybe someday I’ll even get a chance to tell them how God can make their lives a whole lot more fulfilling!

  March 26, Monday (an unhappy discovery)

  Just when I think my life has taken a huge turn for the better (and not to say things aren’t greatly improved with God in my life) it just figures that life can never be completely perfect. Still I’m determined that I am not going to let this get me down.

  Okay, here’s what happened. After a fairly decent day (where I could actually walk down the halls without feeling like total scum, and telling myself that I belong to God, and refusing to worry about what Jenny and her clique may or may not be saying) I go down to the girls’ locker room with Beanie and I’m sort of rejoicing that I made it through this day. And so we get all dressed down for track and jog out to the field, where it’s sunny and nice, and who’s the first person I see warming up on the track?

  None other than Josh Miller, all ready for practice. (It turns out he’s on the track team but had been out of town during spring break!) Well, my eyes just about popped out of my head when I saw him there stretching out his calf muscles. My first instinct was to just quit the team, right then and there. In fact, I actually froze in my steps, turned around, and started to head straight back to the locker room. But Beanie chased me down, and with the help of Zach (who was just coming out), they managed to talk me out of quitting.

  So they walked me over to the high jump pit (like I was crippled or something) and there the two of them stuck by my side, practically holding my hand, until I regained enough composure to start doing some warm-ups. Naturally, Zach didn’t know anything about what had gone on between Josh and me, and so Beanie quickly gave him the lowdown. Then Zach informed us that Josh was Harrison High’s star runner. (Or rather, had been for the past few years, but it seemed that a certain newcomer from Seattle planned on giving that Miller boy a run for his money!) Since starting high school, neither Beanie nor I had ever paid that much attention to the track team, so this was news to us.

  Now I’m thinking maybe it’s a good thing that I didn’t know, for I never would’ve joined the team. Even now, I’m almost wishing that I hadn’t. But like Beanie says, “It’s not fair to let a selfish, two-timing boy frighten you away from something that you really want to do.” I do want to stay on the team, and by the end of last week my jumping had really improved, Coach Reynolds even said so. I just wish Josh Miller would suddenly sprain an ankle or something (okay, that’s probably wrong of me, but I just wish he didn’t have to be around to spoil everything for me!). And just when it seemed I was getting over him. Will I ever get over him?

  DEAR GOD, PLEASE HELP ME. I WANT TO FORGET THAT I EVER CARED FOR JOSH MILLER. BUT I THINK I’M GOING TO NEED SOME EXTRA HELP. CAN YOU PLEASE LEND A HAND?

  March 29, Thursday (judge not?)

  A weird thing happened tonight. I’m still not sure what it all means, but I know I need to give it some more thought. It all started when Zach took Beanie and me to the mall after practice tonight. (Beanie and I had decided we needed to get new track shoes for our first meet, which is tomorrow, by the way).

  And since (only by the grace of God, I’m sure) I’ve managed to stay on the track team without having to actually speak to Josh (although I’m pretty sure I caught him looking at me at least twice). Somehow that ma
kes me feel slightly better to know that he’s looking, because then I get some satisfaction out of completely ignoring him. It might not be the nicest thing to do, but under the circumstances, I think it’s somewhat understandable. But let me get to the weird thing that happened tonight.

  After Beanie and I bought our shoes (Zach, by the way, was very knowledgeable in helping us make the best choices), we decided to grab a pizza at this new place right next to the mall (we figured we’d start storing up our carbos for tomorrow’s meet, and I still had a few bucks from my dad, so I offered to treat). So, we’re all sitting happily in a booth, and I happen to look up and see my dad sitting just a couple booths away, but he doesn’t notice me.

  Well, I figure the proper thing would be to get up to go say hello. After all, he and Mom seemed to have had a pretty good time on their “date” last weekend. And he’s been calling her every night. I’m walking over there and he looks up and sees me, but he gets this sort of horrified look on his face, and suddenly I realize what’s up. He is there with Belinda!

  Now I’m just a few feet away and I don’t know what to do. Should I turn around and go back? By then my dad’s recovered enough to wave me over to his table, smiling as if it’s the most normal thing in the world to have your daughter catch you eating dinner with “the other woman.” So I continue to his table, thinking maybe I’m wrong, maybe he’s just with a business acquaintance (I mean I’ve never seen the woman before). But no, he introduces her as Belinda Lithgow. And I note right off that she is 1) sort of youngish (maybe in her twenties) 2) a pretty redhead, and 3) looking at my dad like he’s Mr. Wonderful!

  Well, it’s more than I can handle and I just abruptly walk away without even saying how do you do? or goodbye or anything. When I get back to my table, Beanie and Zach notice immediately that something is definitely wrong. My hands are shaking and I’m close to tears. But we’ve already ordered our pizza so I know we can’t just leave. I explain what happened and the two of them are sympathetic and supportive, and by the time our pizza arrives, my dad and his “girlfriend” are leaving.

  Now, I’m getting all angry and furious, and I start to bluster about this Belinda chick, saying, “How can she do this? She knows he’s married and yet she’s willing to break up our whole family just to have him,” and lots of angry stuff like that.

  Finally, Beanie reaches over and puts her hand on my shoulder and says, “Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on her, Caitlin. I mean, remember when you went after Josh Miller knowing full well that he and Jenny were still together?” Well, that sure shut me up fast. Not that I greatly appreciate Beanie’s comparison (and it’s not like Josh and Jenny were married), but then again I guess she does make a valid point. Thankfully, Zach changes the subject, and I decide not to hold anything against Beanie—even if it did hurt my feelings a little. (I know we’re supposed to keep forgiving each other. We talked about that in youth group last week—seven times seventy—which is supposed to stand for infinity or something really huge like that.)

  Now I’m sitting here in my room, thinking about how Beanie was probably right. I mean, I suppose I was a little bit like Belinda. And, man, if that doesn’t make me feel lower than dirt. To think that Belinda and I actually have such a despicable thing in common is truly a shock to the system (not to mention totally humiliating). I guess I shouldn’t judge her so much. I still don’t feel like I can forgive her—I don’t even know if I can forgive Dad. To tell you the truth, all this forgiveness business has me just a little bit worried.

  Of course that reminds me that I need to forgive myself too. Clay talked about that in youth group. He said if we don’t forgive ourselves, it can be really hard to receive God’s forgiveness (not to mention forgiving others). But now (big painful groan!) I’m also wondering if I don’t need to ask Jenny Lambert to forgive me. And anything would be easier than that. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine crawling back to Jenny to apologize for what it feels like they did to me. Wasn’t I sort of the victim there? Or maybe not. I don’t know for sure. Beanie’s comments paint this whole picture in a brand new light, and I don’t like what I’m seeing. Maybe it’s like they say: The truth hurts.

  PLEASE, GOD, SHOW ME WHAT TO DO. HELP ME TO FORGIVE ALL THESE PEOPLE (IF YOU WANT ME TO). MAYBE I DO NEED TO GO AND TALK TO JENNY, I’M JUST NOT SURE. PLEASE SHOW ME HOW AND WHEN TO DO IT. AND PLEASE,HELP ME TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR BEING THE “OTHER WOMAN” WHO TRIED TO COME BETWEEN JOSH AND JENNY. I CAN SEE NOW HOW WRONG THAT WAS. THANK YOU, I GUESS, FOR LETTING ME SEE MYSELF FOR WHAT I REALLY AM, EVEN IF I DON’T LIKE IT VERY MUCH. PLEASE HELP ME TO CHANGE. AMEN.

  TWELVE

  March 30, Friday (first track meet)

  I think our first track meet went pretty well, and I mean on several levels. To start with, I placed first in high jump (I couldn’t even believe it!). Then I placed third in long jump (only two inches behind the girl who won first). And then I got to shout and cheer as Zach took first place in every single one of his running events (with Josh coming in a fairly close second). But what was probably the highlight of this meet (for me) was when I was standing on the sidelines and spotted Jenny standing nearby (she was looking right at me), and suddenly I knew the time had come to go and say I’m sorry.

  So, I just walked right up and did it. I could tell she was really shocked, and I halfway expected her to say or do something totally rude (I was even prepared to just take it). But amazingly enough she didn’t.

  She just sort of shrugged then said, “It’s okay. I know it takes two to tango, and I hold Josh just as responsible as you.” I mumbled a quick thanks then turned to go back to the field, but she grabbed my arm and stopped me. “Hey, Caitlin,” she said, “we can still be friends, you know.”

  I tried to conceal my surprise at this and managed to nod and say, “Sure, I don’t see why not.” But at the same time I was thinking, Thanks, but no thanks—been there done that! Instead I just smiled and waved and went off in search of Beanie. I didn’t tell Beanie what Jenny said. I think I’ve learned that you don’t have to repeat every single little thing you hear. Like someone once said, Some things are just better left unsaid.

  Just in case I’m starting to sound all saintly and good in my diary, I have a true confession to make. One of the happiest moments of the track meet today (besides winning first and then having Jenny forgive me) was when I saw the look of totally crushed disappointment wash across Josh’s pretty face each time Zach creamed him in another race. Particularly in the 100 meters when Beanie and I were waiting right at the finish line, all ready to congratulate Zach. Josh just stared at the three of us as if we were all from another planet or something. I could just imagine him wondering, Just who do they think they are to rock my world like this?

  I know it’s wrong to take pleasure in another person’s sufferings, but in all honesty I totally enjoyed seeing Josh beaten like that. So, you see, I’m not even close to perfect!

  April 1, Sunday (who’s fooling who?)

  I never told my Mom about seeing Dad with Belinda at the pizza place on Thursday night. I figure it might just be another one of those things that’s better left unsaid. But for some reason I feel really guilty about it, especially when Mom and Dad went out on another one of their little “dates” last night. Today Mom was in such great spirits, and then, after church, Benjamin and I were supposed to go do something with Dad again. This time I bailed, saying I had to do homework, and suggesting maybe it’d be better for them to just do a father-son kind of thing, and Ben didn’t seem to mind a bit.

  After they were gone, Mom asked me if something was up between me and my dad, and I had to lie to her and say no. And that makes me feel really rotten. So, I’ve decided to just confront my dad face to face (hopefully without getting all angry, since in youth group today Clay talked about how we should do everything in love, and even though it sounds impossible in this case, I’m sure Clay is probably right—he seems to understand these things better than anyone I know).

  So, now m
y plan is to confront my dad and not forget that I love him (at least I think I do, or anyway, I used to). I asked him if we could do something together later on this week, and that seemed to make him happy, or maybe he was just relieved. I hope he doesn’t think this means I’m going to cover for him about that Belinda thing, because if he does he’s in for a big surprise. I’ve decided I will not lie to Mom for him anymore. I’ll tell him that for him to continue seeing both Belinda and Mom is totally unfair, not to mention despicable. And even though I’m trying not to judge Belinda (due to what Beanie said), I still think what they’re doing is completely wrong. And even if the Bible says I have to love and forgive them both, I’m certain that doesn’t mean that I just accept what they’re doing as all right.

  April 5, Thursday (our second track meet presents a small dilemma)

  We had our second track meet today. It was an away meet (about an hour’s ride on a hot stinky bus). And then it rained at the meet, turning everything into a miserable muddy mess. I did lousy in long jump (kept slipping), but managed to place second in high jump (and Coach Reynolds told me the girl who took first went to state last year—and she only beat me by an inch!). So I was feeling okay as Beanie and I huddled under a soggy blanket and watched Zach taking first place in every one of his races again. (This time I actually tried not to rejoice too greatly over Josh’s losses, and I even told him good job for coming in third—okay, maybe I was gloating just a little.)