On My Own Read online

  I ran into Liz's parents as I exited the dorm. I tried to conceal my rage from them, but I have a feeling they saw right through me. Susan introduced me to Frank. Like her, he seemed like a nice guy, mild mannered and sweet. And I could tell he'd been worried about his daughter, although I think he seemed slightly irritated too. “I'm so glad she's okay,” he said. “But I wish she was better about communicating with people.”

  I shrugged. “She likes being independent.”

  “Well, anyway, we're so relieved,” said Susan, grabbing my hand in hers. “And I want to thank you for your help, dear. I know how worried you must've been. I so appreciate your prayers and everything.”

  “Yeah.” I shoved my hands into my pockets.

  “We're taking Elizabeth to dinner,” said Frank. “Would you like to join us, Caitlin?”

  “No, thank you.” I made sure I didn't say that as emphatically as I felt. NO, THANK YOU! “I've already got other plans.” Yeah, plans to go fume and release some steam until I'm ready for some actual social interaction.

  “Well, thank you again,” said Susan, her eyes still laced with worry. “And feel free to contact us again–anytime you feel any need for concern. We know that she's an independent girl, but we still want to know what's going on.”

  “That's right,” agreed Frank. “Anytime you notice anything out of the ordinary, you just give us a call.”

  “Yes, and call collect,” added Susan.

  “Sure,” I lied. And I felt bad for lying, but at the same time I knew I wouldn't be so quick to call them again, certainly not after Liz's hostile reaction tonight. No, right now, I feel like the sooner I can get away from that girl, the better off I'll be. To think I wasted an important week–just before finals–worrying about that selfish, spiteful, malicious, mean-spirited girl! And, Liz, if you somehow got your hands on my diary and are reading it again–well, you can just be sure that I mean every word of it! And then some. Sheesh, sometimes I wish I could cuss!

  Okay, I know I sound totally horrible, but it's how I feel. It's like I went way out of my way for her–I worried, I cared, I prayed–and then Liz just stomped on me! Or spit on my face! Or slapped me! I mean, how am I supposed to feel?

  And suddenly I'm reminded of how Jesus may have felt when He was betrayed and beaten and finally killed on the cross. And now I feel pretty sheepish, fairly humbled, and, well, slightly foolish.

  DEAR GOD, OKAY, I GIVE ALL THIS UP TO YOU–MY ANGER, MY INDIGNATION, MY FURY. YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH MORE. I'M SORRY THAT I'M SUCH A BIG BABY SOMETIMES. I CAN SEE THERE'S SOMETHING FOR ME TO LEARN HERE. AND WHILE I'LL ADMIT I DON'T FEEL ALL THAT EAGER TO LEARN IT, I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST. HELP ME TO FORGIVE LIZ–AGAIN–IN THE SAME WAY YOU FORGAVE US WHEN YOU WERE TREATED SO WRONGLY. OH, LORD, I HAVE A LOT TO LEARN. THANKS FOR YOUR PATIENCE WITH ME. PLEASE HELP ME TO BE PATIENT WITH MYSELF, AS WELL AS THOSE AROUND ME. AMEN.

  Saturday, November 30 (peace in the midst of juck)

  I slipped back into my room this morning, relieved to see Liz was already gone. To be honest I don't have the slightest concern about where she is or when she's coming back. Not that I'm feeling all angry right now, because really I'm not. It's just that it doesn't concern me anymore. I'm sure Liz can and will take care of herself. This is not to say that I'm not the least bit curious about where she'd been last week. Actually, I'd like to know. But do you think I'm going to ask her? Ha, think again!

  Anyway I've been studying hard all day–making up for lost time. And I almost feel like everything's going to be okay with my finals. It's as if God has somehow reassured me, in my spirit, that He's going to help me through this–that I did nothing wrong in being concerned for Liz's welfare. And despite what she said, I believe it was right to contact her parents. So I guess I feel at peace. And that's a good feeling.

  Just the same, I'm not looking forward to Liz coming home. And this makes me feel like I'm going to have to switch roommates after all. Everyone has been telling me to do it. Especially since this latest fiasco. I've decided to put myself on the list first thing on Monday. And it's fairly certain (Kim said) that I'll have a new roommate in January. Does this mean I am abandoning Liz? Not at all. As a result of all that I've been through with her (I mean, I feel I've invested myself heavily into her life and spiritual future), I plan to keep praying for her. And who knows, maybe once we're not roommates anymore, she might actually want to talk to me or even become friends. Hey, miracles can happen.

  Anyway, just knowing that things will be changing after the New Year really gives me fresh hope. And already I'm praying that God will give me a good roommate who I can hopefully become friends with. Kim said she'd consider switching with Lindsey, except she knows it would really hurt Lindsey's feelings. I can see that Lindsey already suffers from some self-esteem issues, and I certainly don't want to contribute to them any more. But Kim suggested that I might talk to their neighbor, Jessica Knight, because it looks like she'll be losing her roommate. Jessica's not a Christian, but she's a nice girl who takes school seriously. She sounds like a piece of cake compared to Liz.

  But it's funny, you know, now that I feel like I'm halfway out of here (with Liz, I mean), I'm feeling a little sad too. Despite everything, I do feel sorry for her. And just hearing that she'd actually been a Christian up until high school really intrigues me. What could have possibly gone wrong? I mean, it was about the age that Liz turned her back on God that I was just discovering Him. And I don't know where my life would've gone if I hadn't. It seems so ironic that she could walk away. And look where it's gotten her. She's the most miserable person I know. But hey, wait a minute!

  Whoa! It's like the lights just came on. Of course! Now I understand. The reason Liz is so totally miserable is because she actually knows the difference! If her mom's right and Liz really knew and loved God then turned her back on Him and walked away, she knows exactly what she's missing. Of course, that would make her totally miserable! I mean, how would I feel if I suddenly decided to chuck my relationship with God? I can't even imagine it. I'd honestly rather be dead.

  Oh, man, I feel like I've just had the greatest revelation into Liz's pitiful life. From here until the end of the term, I'll really be praying for her in a whole new way. And who knows, maybe I'll even get a chance to talk to her.

  DEAR GOD, WOW! I THINK YOU'VE JUST SHOWN ME THE MISSING LINK–THE KEY TO WHY LIZ IS THE WAY SHE IS. NOW I'M NOT SURE WHAT TO DO WITH IT, BUT I PRAY YOU'LL SHOW ME. SOMEHOW, PLEASE, USE ME TO UNLOCK THIS THING THAT'S MADE HER CHOOSE THE LIFE SHE'S LIVING. ALTHOUGH SHE'S NOT REALLY LIVING, IS SHE? NO WONDER SHE SEEMS LIKE THE WALKING DEAD. POOR LIZ. I FEEL MORE SORRY FOR HER NOW THAN EVER BEFORE.

  OH, LORD, PLEASE PROTECT ME FROM EVER GETTING TO THAT HORRIBLE DARK AND HOPELESS PLACE. I KNOW I WOULD DIE WITHOUT YOU. NOT JUST SPIRITUALLY, BUT IN EVERY WAY. YOU ARE THE BREATH OF LIFE THAT SUSTAINS ME, GOD. I LOVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART. AMEN.

  THIRTEEN

  Sunday, December 1

  I went to talk to Jessica Knight this afternoon. She seemed pleased with the prospect of having me as her roommate.

  “I'm not into religion or anything like that. But just the same, I don't want a roommate who smokes or drinks or parties or invites boys up.” She peered at me curiously. “You don't have a boyfriend you like to …uh …entertain, do you?”

  I smiled. “No, you don't have to worry about that.”

  “And you're not into any of that other stuff, right?”

  “Not in the least.”

  “So then are you really into church and stuff like Kim and Lindsey next door are?” She frowned slightly.

  “I'm a Christian, if that's what you mean.”

  “Are you one of those Christians who's bent on converting everyone within arm's length of them?”

  I laughed. “Mostly I just try to live my life and be honest about it. I don't take personal responsibility for trying to save everyone I know. I figure it's up to God to do that And if someone wants to talk about my faith, I'm al
ways willing. But I try not to push my beliefs on unwilling ears, if you know what I mean.”

  “Okay, I suppose I can live with that.”

  “And it sounds as if we're in agreement regarding things like drinking and boys and whatever.” I glanced over her shoulder to see a room that looked as if the maid had just been in. “I know that would be a huge relief to me.”

  “There's enough adjusting with a roommate without having a bunch of other crud tossed in. My current roommate, Cara, was a friend from high school, but there have been times when we've wanted to kill each other. I can't imagine what it would be like if you got thrown in with someone totally unacceptable.” She raised her brows. “Isn't that what happened to you?”

  “Well, Liz and I aren't exactly what you'd call a perfect match.”

  She laughed. “From what I hear, Liz would drive anyone over the edge. I heard about the catfight she and that other chick got into. Sounded pretty gruesome to me. It must be awful rooming with her.”

  “At least she's pretty independent. We try to stay out of each other's way most of the time.”

  “And didn't she go missing last week? Good grief, everyone was acting like she'd been abducted. But then it turns out she was just shacking up with her latest boyfriend. Brother!”

  I felt pretty stupid just then because I hadn't heard anything about Liz having or being with a new boyfriend. “How did you hear that?”

  “Cara told me. She heard it from someone.”

  “It would've made things a lot easier if she had just left a note or something. I know that roommates shouldn't have to baby-sit each other, but I think it's kind of nice to let each other know what's up. Like if you decided to take off for a few days, I'd hope you'd let me know.”

  “Yeah, same here.” She smiled and stuck out her hand. “All right, Caitlin. I think this might just work out. I'll put your name down as my next roommate.”

  “Thanks.” I smiled and told myself I should be really relieved as I went back downstairs, but I've got this tiny little nudge of a feeling–-like maybe this isn't exactly the right thing after all. Although it makes absolutely no sense that I should have second thoughts about it. Everyone I know keeps telling me to lose Liz. And Jessica seems really nice. Okay, she seems fairly nice. I didn't totally appreciate the way it sounded like she enjoyed dissing Liz. And yet I know that the way Liz lives is an open invitation for people to talk about her. Oh, I don't know. I guess I'll just have to pray about it.

  DEAR GOD, PLEASE SHOW ME WHAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS. WHO DO YOU WANT ME TO ROOM WITH NEXT TERM: LIZ OR JESSICA? CAN YOU SOMEHOW SHOW ME WHICH ONE IS BEST? I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW. WHILE LIZ DRIVES ME NUTS, I HATE TO BAIL ON HER IF YOU'VE GOT A PLAN TO USE ME. AND I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT JESSICA IS THE KIND OF GIRL WHO I THINK COULD GET ON MY NERVES–MAYBE EVEN MORE THAN LIZ. YIKES! I REALLY NEED YOUR DIRECTION ON THIS. PLEASE GIVE ME DISCERNMENT AND CLARITY AND WISDOM. WOW, NOW THAT'S A PRETTY TALL ORDER! AMEN.

  Tuesday, December 3 (dead but not over)

  Although this is “dead week” (the week before finals and everything's due, plus you have to bone up for tests), I feel pretty alive. After not seeing Liz all weekend, I actually had a conversation with her last night. I'd just gotten a new “survival package” from Mom, and I offered to share some crackers and cheese. Then I told her how I'd probably be rooming with Jessica next term.

  She laughed. “So, I actually managed to drive you out then?”

  “I just figured it's probably the best for both of us. Don't you?”

  She shrugged and took another cracker. “I suppose. Although it means I'll have to break in another roommate.” She cussed beneath her breath. “Man, I just wish I could afford a private room.” Then she grew more hopeful. “Or maybe I'll get lucky and they won't have anyone who's looking for a roommate for winter term.”

  “Not much chance of that,” I told her. “I heard the waiting lists, for all the other dorms, are still pretty full too.”

  She cussed again.

  “Hey, I hear you've got a new boyfriend.” Somehow I thought this subject might cheer her up.

  She scowled at me. “Where'd you hear that?”

  “Jessica mentioned it. I'm not totally sure where she heard it.”

  “It's like there's absolutely no privacy in this stupid place. And not that it's any of your business, but John was just a fling. That's all. We met at a bar on Thanksgiving. He hadn't gone home either, and we were both feeling a little down, so we decided to make each other feel better by having a party of our own.”

  “Oh,” Suddenly I felt sorry I'd even brought this up. Still, I hated to shut her down when she seemed to be talking so openly. Much more openly than ever before.

  “Problem was the party lasted a little too long. We both got sick of each other. At least I got sick of him. And I'm pretty sure he was tired of me too. He thinks I'm too serious.” She laughed. “And I think he's too flaky. Besides, he's into some stuff that I don't particularly care for.”

  Somehow the way she said that, I knew she meant drugs. “So he's history then?”

  She held up a can of soda as if making a toast. “Yep, here's to history.” Then she leaned over and studied me closely. “You know, Caitlin, I could almost like you sometimes. We'd probably even be friends if I could just get you to drink a beer or two.”

  Well, talk about your veiled compliments. But I decided to take it as such. “Yeah, to be honest, I'm feeling a little sad about not sharing a room with you next term.”

  Liz blinked. “You've gotta be kidding?”

  “No, I'm still feeling a little uncertain about Jessica.”

  “You don't mean that redheaded Jessica, do you?”

  “Yeah, she has red hair. Why?”

  “And she's a sophomore, right?”

  I nodded.

  She laughed. “Well, good luck to you. I wouldn't last a week with someone like that.”

  Now I laughed. “I'm sure that's exactly what you said about me in September.”

  She nodded. “Yep, I did. And I was almost right too.”

  Then she glanced at the clock. “Well, I actually need to study tonight. Thanks for the eats.”

  Then I went back to my desk and am now wondering what exactly transpired just now? Did aliens recently kidnap Liz and perform some sort of lobotomy on her? I mean, she definitely seems different, but maybe it's because she's so relieved to learn that I'm moving out. Still, it didn't quite seem like that. Hopefully, I'll get another chance to talk to her before next week.

  Friday, December 6 (interesting evening)

  Well, I did something tonight I never dreamed I'd do. But it seemed right. I invited Liz out for dinner. I figured it might be my best chance to have another good conversation with her. I was actually fairly surprised that she accepted my offer because I've heard her on the phone with Rachel this week, and they're starting to patch up their friendship again. I think it's partially a result of when Liz went AWOL (Rachel was actually pretty worried) combined with the fact that Rachel and Jordan just broke up again. And it sounds like Jordan is dropping out of school after this term. Apparently he was on academic probation and then failed to revive his grades. I feel bad for him but think it's best for Rachel and Liz.

  Anyway, I knew they had some sort of plans to go out partying tonight. But Liz agreed to dinner anyway. (She arranged to meet Rachel afterward.) So we went to a new Thai restaurant that Kim thinks is good. And, amazingly, we had a pretty cool time. Relatively speaking, that is, since I sort of felt like I was picking my way through a minefield. I'd decided beforehand to do nothing more than try to be friendly to her. I simply wanted her to know that I care about her–that's all. I wasn't going to try to save her or preach at her–I just wanted to get to know her better and to love her as best I could. I thought it might actually be a new concept for her.

  “Your mom said you have two brothers,” I said after we'd ordered and our tea was served.

  “Yeah. They're a lot older than me. And I'm p
retty sure they think I'm a spoiled brat and just slightly neurotic.”

  I smiled. “Your parents seem nice.”

  “Yeah, they're pretty nice. Remember when you thought that I came from some pitiful broken home?” She laughed. “Told you, you were wrong.”

  “And you know what's funny? My parents almost split up a couple years ago. They were having some serious problems.”

  “But they stuck it out?”

  “Yeah. And they're actually both really happy now.”

  “Even if my parents despised each other, they'd be too afraid to get a divorce.”

  “Afraid?”

  “Yeah, at what the church would say.”

  “Oh,” Suddenly it got a little too quiet. “So how do you feel about your finals next weeks?”

  She shrugged. “It'll be fine.”

  “When are you going home?”

  “I'm not sure that I am.”

  “You're kidding? You don't want to go home? I can't wait.”

  “Yeah, I'm sure your parents just welcome you with open arms. Your mom probably cooks all your favorite dishes, and they don't even make you help clean up.”

  “Well, you're partly right. But I'll bet your parents are just the same. I mean, they seem like they really love you, Liz.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Oh, yeah, without a doubt. They love me. But it's a pretty conditional kind of love, if you ask me.”

  “How's that?”

  “Well, it's under the condition that someday, somehow, someway I'm going to start acting just like them.”

  “Like how?”

  “You know. Like church stuff and all that religious rot.”

  “Oh.” Now I considered how it seemed like she was bringing all this stuff up, not me, and so I decided to see how far she wanted to take it. “Your mom told me that you used to be pretty involved in church.”