On My Own Read online

  Well, as I'm sitting in my old room writing this, it all feels painfully clear to me. Despite my big talk about remaining “romantically uninvolved,” I've let my heart go its own way again, and I need to do something about it. I'm just not sure what that is yet, but I'll pray about it, and hopefully God will show me.

  But what's really humbling about this whole thing is that I had planned to have that little talk with Bryce tomorrow. Somehow we never got around to it on Wednesday. I'm sure it's because I realized I'd need to be riding back to college with him on Sunday and I didn't want to make him (or me) dread the long drive with stilted conversation and uncomfortable silences. Anyway, now I'm feeling just slightly hypocritical. But I'll still try to deal with it–as best I can. Oh, brother. When will I ever learn?

  DEAR GOD, I KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO TEACH ME SOMETHING RIGHT NOW. PLEASE HELP ME TO GET IT. AND SHOW ME HOW TO DEAL WITH MY FEELINGS ABOUT JOSH. AND PLEASE HELP ME TO SPEAK HONESTLY TO BRYCE. OH, GOD, WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU? AMEN.

  Sunday, November 24

  The ride home with Bryce went amazingly well. I waited until we were about halfway to school, and then decided to be completely up front with him.

  “I want to tell you something, Bryce,” I began, struggling to come up with the right words.

  He glanced at me. “Sure, what?”

  I could tell by his expression that he was afraid I was going to tell him he had bad breath or something. “Well, it might sound kind of silly, and you may not even care anyway, but it's something I just need to say and get out into the open. Okay?”

  He nodded with a puzzled look. “Okay.”

  “In my junior year in high school, not too long after I accepted the Lord, I made a commitment to God. And some people think it's kind of silly–that's probably why I try not to talk about it too much–but the thing is, I decided to quit dating.” Now I couldn't quite read his expression. Maybe it was relief mixed with humor. I'm not totally sure.

  “You mean like that book, I kissed Dating Goodbye?”

  “Yeah, sort of. Only it was my own commitment. I made it without reading any book or anything. Just between me and God, y'know?”

  He nodded. “Interesting. So does that mean you'll never go out with a guy again–ever?”

  I laughed. “I'm not totally sure about the timing. I expect things will change when I'm at an age or a place in life to seriously consider marriage. But until then, I want to avoid getting involved like that.”

  Then he asked me a lot of questions, and we talked really openly about the whole thing. I told him that I still valued his friendship and hoped this wouldn't change anything.

  “It's like my friendships with guys become even more important than when dating was a factor. Maybe it's because there's no pressure there. You just get to enjoy each other's company without always worrying about what comes next.”

  “Yeah, that sounds cool to me too.”

  We talked some more, and by the time we reached the city limits, he was saying how that would've been the best thing for him to have done in his relationship with Amy.

  “Do you think you'll still be friends with her?” I asked as we pulled onto campus.

  “She's already got a new boyfriend.” His face looked a little sad.

  “Does that hurt?”

  He sighed. “Yeah, it does. But I still think that breaking up was for the best.”

  Then we were in front of my dorm. “I'm glad I could tell you about this.” I felt slightly embarrassed. “I mean, it's not like I thought you were dying to ask me out or anything, but it's easier if I just lay my cards on the table.”

  “Hey, don't kid yourself. I did plan on asking you out. In fact, I would've asked you out today if you hadn't told me about your–your nondating thing.”

  “So do you think it's silly?”

  “Not at all. I think I'll give the whole thing some serious thought myself. I've never been that comfortable with the whole dating thing in the first place. I'm sure that's one reason it was so easy to stay with Amy–all that distance between us just made it easier to deal with. Plus it alleviated the need for me to find someone to date here on campus, like I had an excuse, you know?”

  I nodded. I still hadn't told him anything about Josh. Somehow I couldn't see how that would help anything right now. Besides, I still don't totally understand that whole thing myself.

  “Thanks for the ride.”

  He smiled brightly. “Thank you–especially for telling me about the dating thing. It's something to think about.”

  Now I'm back in my dorm room, and Liz isn't here. For some reason I get the impression she's been gone for a while. Hopefully to her parents'. For now I'll just enjoy the quiet and solitude as I start boning up for the end of the term and finals (just two weeks out now!).

  Tuesday, November 26

  Okay, I'm worried. I haven't seen Liz since last Wednesday. At first when she wasn't here on Sunday night, I thought maybe she just decided to spend an extra day at home. But when she hadn't shown up last night, I started to wonder. Now it's after eight tonight and she's still not here. I know how she says we're not supposed to “take care” of each other and everything, but I can't help but feel slightly concerned. What if something happened to her? Right now I'm torn–do I dare snoop around in her things, see if I can find any phone numbers (like her parents' home), or do I just chill and mind my own business. GOD, PLEASE SHOW ME WHAT TO DO.

  Later, same night:

  Well, I decided it couldn't hurt to call Rachel. I know she and Liz aren't talking these days, but she might have some idea about what's going on. Or maybe she'd tell me not to worry, that Liz is a big girl, and I'd just go back to my homework and try to forget about it.

  “I haven't seen her either,” said Rachel. “Of course, that's no surprise.”

  “Do you think I should be concerned?”

  “Well, it probably wouldn't hurt to give her parents a call. And they're really nice people. I'm sure they won't mind a phone call.”

  “But what if Liz is there? She'll probably be furious with me for checking on her.”

  Rachel laughed. “Well, that's her problem, isn't it?”

  “I suppose.”

  So I took down the number from Rachel, then went ahead and phoned Liz's parents. But here's what's got me really worried now. Liz never even went home for Thanksgiving.

  “We were terribly disappointed,” said Mrs. Banks. “But she said she had other plans with her friends.”

  Friends? Who could that possibly be? As far as I knew, Liz didn't have any friends. I cleared my throat. “Well, she hasn't come back to school yet–at least not to our room. And I was a little concerned, especially since this is getting close to finals week and all.”

  “Oh, dear. Do you think there's been a problem?”

  “I …uh …I don't know.”

  “Well, has Elizabeth ever disappeared like this before?”

  Now I didn't know exactly what to say. I mean, Liz had sometimes spent the night with Jordan, but that surely couldn't be the case now. “Uh, I don't really know Liz that well,” I told Mrs. Banks.

  “But aren't you her roommate?”

  “Well, yes. But we're …uh …not very close.”

  “Oh, I see.” Her voice sounded more formal, as if maybe I'd offended her.

  “It's not that I don't like Liz,” I tried. “It's just we don't have much in common. I'm pretty involved with church and–”

  “Are you a Christian?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, thank God! I'd been praying that God would send someone to help my poor Elizabeth.”

  I felt like groaning but controlled myself. “Well, maybe that's what God did. But frankly I'm worried about your daughter, Mrs. Banks–”

  “Call me Susan.”

  “Okay. But, really, I'm concerned for Liz. I think she's been pretty down during the last few weeks. She broke up with her boyfriend–”

  “Jordan?”

  “Yes. And she an
d Rachel aren't getting along and …” I couldn't think of anything else to say that wouldn't be too upsetting for her mom to hear.

  “Well, dear, I really appreciate that you called me.” I could hear a tremor of fear, or perhaps it was tears, in her voice now. “But I don't really see that there's anything you can do about this right now. Elizabeth's father and I will begin calling around immediately. We'll see what needs to be done to find her.”

  “Thank you. I'm so sorry to have to tell–”

  “No, please don't apologize. I appreciate your concern. If Elizabeth's having any kind of trouble, I want to know about it.”

  “I'll be praying for her.”

  “You don't know how much that means to me–” she choked slightly– “to …to know that Elizabeth's been sharing her room with a …a nice Christian girl.”

  “I hope she's okay.”

  “Yes, we'll let you know as soon as we hear anything.”

  “Same here.”

  And so here I sit, wondering where in the world Liz is right now. Is she okay? I already called Kim and Lindsey to ask them to pray for her and be on the lookout, as well as to let other students know–in case anyone has seen her anywhere on campus. I also put the word out (through e-mail) for everyone I know to be praying for her. First of all, for her physical safety, and second for her spiritual well-being. I know that I, for one, will be praying myself to sleep tonight.

  I can barely stand to think how totally horrible I'll feel if anything has happened to her. I mean, I know it's not my fault, but already I'm loaded with feelings of guilt. Like what if I'd only been kinder to her? Or what if I'd done this or that? Or really encouraged her to come home with me for Thanksgiving? Poor Liz. I feel like such a failure as a roommate–not to mention as a Christian.

  OH, GOD, I FEEL SO GUILTY FOR NOT DOING ENOUGH FOR LIZ. I KNOW IT WASN'T MY JOB TO SAVE HER, BUT I COULD'VE LOVED HER BETTER. I COULD'VE BEEN MORE PATIENT, MORE FORGIVING. I COULD'VE GONE OUT OF MY WAY MORE. OH, GOD, I'M SO SORRY. PLEASE, PLEASE, HELP HER. WHEREVER SHE IS, WHATEVER SHE'S DOING, PLEASE, HELP HER. AMEN.

  TWELVE

  Wednesday, November 27 (unsettling)

  Still no sign of Liz. And despite Kim's little lecture to me today (about how it's not really my fault), I still feel partially responsible. Not only that, but it's been nearly impossible to concentrate on my studies. Liz's parents are here now; they arrived this afternoon and are staying in a hotel downtown. Mrs. Banks (Susan) stopped by my room earlier this evening, and I told her everything I knew that might be of help (which was very little). They've already filed a missing person report on her, and it's possible that the police will have to search our room.

  “I just talked to Rachel and Jordan,” said Susan. “And they really didn't know anything. It seems Elizabeth has very few friends. Frank's driving around campus right now. I don't know what good it'll do, but it makes my husband feel better–like he's doing something.”

  “I feel so awful about this.”

  “The police keep assuring us that it's probably nothing, that college kids often take off without telling anyone–”

  “And Liz is really independent,” I assured her. “It wouldn't be like her to leave a note if she'd gone somewhere.” Still, I felt worried.

  Susan had tears in her eyes. “I don't know where we went wrong with her. She's probably already told you she grew up in a Christian home. But for some reason she just threw it all aside in high school. It's as if she became a totally different person–almost overnight. Her father and I have been so worried for her. But then she seemed to straighten out a little, and we were so pleased when she decided to go to college. She's very intelligent, you know.”

  “I know. She hasn't told me much about her past, but I sensed there had been problems.” Suddenly I felt bad, like perhaps Susan thought I was suggesting that Liz's problems were family-related. “But you seem like such a nice person,” I said quickly. “I can't imagine her problems were at home.”

  “Oh, I don't know. She became very hostile toward us during high school. We didn't have a happy home life those last couple years. Elizabeth is the youngest of our three children. Her brothers have turned out just fine.” Susan twisted the strap of her purse. “I don't know what happened to make her this way. I keep praying that she'll return to God.”

  “So she was actually a Christian?”

  “Oh, yes, she was a strong Christian, a leader among her youth group even. We never had a bit of trouble with her until high school. We thought maybe it was the school's influence, so we had her moved to a private Christian school, but things only got worse there. Within a month she was kicked out and had to return to her old school. That's about the time she and Rachel became friends. For a while I assumed that it was Rachel who was leading her astray. I don't know for sure anymore.”

  I was so stunned to think that Liz had been not only a Christian, but a strong Christian, that I found myself literally speechless.

  “Oh, dear,” said Susan. “I don't mean to make it sound like she was such a bad girl. I think she was just lost. She really has a very sweet spirit and a tender heart too.”

  I tried not to register the surprise I felt at this statement. After all, who knows what may have happened to Liz? How could I question her mother's image of her daughter right now when we're all feeling so worried and desperate? Besides, may be that was the part of Liz that she kept hidden beneath her hardened exterior. “I've told everyone I know on campus that she's missing. Just in case anyone knows anything,” I said weakly.

  “Tomorrow we'll check with her teachers and classes to see if they might have any clues or be aware of any relationships that Elizabeth had that could be of help. I should probably call Frank to take me back to the hotel now.” She looked longingly at Liz's side of the room. “The police said not to touch or disturb any of her things. But do you happen to notice anything out of place or irregular? Does it look as if she took anything with her?”

  “Well, I don't see her favorite leather jacket.” I glanced around. “And I don't see her backpack anywhere, so I suppose she's got those with her.”

  “Does she usually take her backpack everywhere?” Susan looked hopeful. “Or do you think she might have packed some things in it, perhaps like an overnight bag?”

  “Well, I think she usually takes it to class. But it's possible she could've used it as an overnight bag too. I know I do that sometimes. It's not such an unusual thing to do.”

  Susan looked hopeful “So it's possible she's just taken off with some friends then …”

  I pressed my lips together and nodded. “Sure.” But I think we were both thinking this sounded slightly doubtful. Still, we needed something to cling to.

  After Susan left, I got down on my knees and really prayed once again that God would protect Liz and bring her safely back. Then I tried to study, but it's no use. I'm so distracted by what may or may not have happened to Liz that I'm starting to feel slightly freaked out. Add to that the idea of the police coming here to search our room! To search for what? Do they suspect foul play or think perhaps Liz was kidnapped? And if she was, did the perpetrator break into this room? It doesn't look like anything out of the ordinary happened in here, but then you never know. And suddenly I can't stand to be in this room by myself for another minute. I'm going to call Kim and Lindsey right now and see if I can sleep on their floor tonight. Oh, my!

  Friday, November 29 (give me a break!)

  Well, I know I should be relieved, and I am–I really am–but at the same time I feel slightly furious. Liz is back. Since I'd planned to stay with Kim and Lindsey a few more days, until we figured out what had happened to Liz, I stopped by our room to pick up a few more things. And there she was sitting on her bed like it was the most normal thing in the world.

  “Liz!” I shouted after recovering from the shock of opening the door to find someone in my room.

  She looked up. “Yeah?”

  “You're back; you're here. What happened to you? I
mean, are you okay?”

  “Well, other than getting pulled out of my psych class this morning–by the campus police, which was slightly embarrassing–I'm perfectly fine.” She scowled at me. “What do you think you're doing, Caitlin? Calling in my parents and the police and God knows who–”

  “I didn't call the police.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Well, you called my parents, didn't you?” Her voice was getting louder now.

  “Yes, but I was worried. No one knew where you were and I–”

  “I told you from the very beginning that I didn't want you checking up on me! I don't need a baby-sitter!”

  “I'm sorry. But what if something had happened–”

  “What if? There wouldn't be much you could do about it now, would there?”

  “But your parents–”

  “My parents got totally freaked by your snoopy little interference. Thanks a lot!”

  “Well, I'm sorry you're upset, but you might stop to think how this could upset others too. I've been barely able to concentrate on my classes this week, imagining you dead and buried out in the woods somewhere. I've been sleeping on my friends' floor and–”

  “Hey, it's not my fault you got all freaked over nothing.”

  Right then I honestly didn't care if she totally disappeared from my life and I never saw her again. To think she could put us through all this torment, and then not even care that we were worried– I turned around and slammed my books onto my desk, grabbed a couple of things, and stormed out. I'm in the coffee shop now, but I plan to go ahead and spend the night with Kim and Lindsey again. I just needed to cool off a little first. I am so angry with Liz right now that I don't feel like a very good Christian. And I sure don't want to be around anyone until I get my feelings under control.