On My Own Read online

  “Yeah. But I keep thinking God must have some reason for putting me with her.”

  “Well, if anyone can have an impact on someone like this Liz chick, it'll probably be you.”

  I laughed now. “And why exactly is that?”

  “Well, look at how you influenced me. And I was sort of a mess. And don't forget how God used you with Chloe. Talk about what seemed a hopeless case. I honestly didn't think that girl would ever come around.”

  “Oh, that's just because you didn't know her. She looked really tough on the outside, but underneath it all I could tell she had a really tender heart.”

  “How's she doing?”

  “Really great! She's not afraid to talk to anyone about God. Not only that, but she's started baby-sitting for Steph and Tony's weekly date night.”

  Beanie laughed. “Following right in my footsteps.”

  “Funny, isn't it?”

  “Well, Steph and Tony will be good for her. That's so cool.”

  We talked a little more, and by the time we hung up, I was feeling much better. Tonight I'll pray especially for Beanie and Jenny to patch things up. I think Jenny (even more than Beanie) really needs that friendship.

  Friday, November 15

  The fellowship group is having a pre-Thanksgiving party tomorrow night. It's potluck and a dress-up affair. And since it feels like I'm living at the North Pole (Liz is so chilly), I asked Kim and Lindsey if I could come up to their room to get ready. They seemed happy to have me, so I'm feeling slightly festive today and glad that I brought a few dressier things to college with me. I almost didn't, but Mom reminded me that there could be some special occasions. Of course, that's back when she thought I might join her old sorority. It's funny how that sorority biz looks better as time goes by. Still, it's too late now.

  I finally got an e-mail from Josh. And, would you believe it, he hadn't gotten my last e-mail. He'd been having server trouble and feared that perhaps some of his messages had been lost in the interim. But it was so sweet how he wrote to me, since he felt a little unsure that I'd actually answered his last e-mail (more than two weeks ago). So he was kind of tiptoeing around a bit. He said he'd understand if I was too busy to keep writing or if I had other things going on in my life (which I suspect he meant as “romantic” interests since he mentioned Bryce's name). Anyway, I assured him (without actually saying it) that I was not too busy and enjoyed staying in touch with him. IOW (in other words) as far as I'm concerned, nothing's changed between us.

  Now to be honest, it does worry me (just a little) that it meant so much for me to hear from josh. Man, I was so totally happy yesterday–walking on a cloud. And I'm thinking that's the way I should be for God–not a silly guy! And I have to admit this is bugging me–a lot! But I'm praying about it and hoping God will show me what's up and if there's anything I need to do about this whole thing. Because I really do want to love God most! And I know that's what He wants from me too. He needs to be first, best, and most in my life.

  DEAR GOD, PLEASE FORGIVE ME IF I HAVE IN ANY WAY PUT MY FEELINGS TOWARD JOSH ABOVE MY LOVE FOR YOU. I KNOW IN MY HEART THAT YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN ANYTHING. I REALLY BELIEVE THAT. BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT OTHER THINGS IN MY LIFE WILL VIE FOR MY AFFECTIONS. PLEASE HELP ME TO RECOGNIZE IF MY PRIORITIES GET MIXED UP. I WANT TO LOVE YOU MORE THAN ALL ELSE. I WANT TO SERVE YOU WITH MY WHOLE HEART, BUT I NEED YOUR HELP. AMEN.

  Sunday, November 17 (good old fun)

  Oh, it's been a great weekend. A little like that vacation I wanted to take on the Island of Bliss. I guess God knows when we need a break. And tonight I feel totally refreshed–spiritually, emotionally, even physically. The party last night was a lot of fun. I met a bunch of new kids, and it really makes me look forward to next semester when I can get more involved in the fellowship group. As planned, I went to Kim and Lindsey's room. Fortunately those two are getting along better these days. I think seeing Rachel and Liz going at it helped them to appreciate each other more. Not only that, they've been much more compassionate toward my suffering. And although they're praying for Liz (and Rachel too), they both think I should switch roommates after fall term ends. I still don't know for sure.

  But anyway, right after my last class, I hauled all my stuff up to their room. (They'd already suggested I spend the night there after the party.) And together we managed to concoct our contributions to the potluck dinner, using only a microwave and a hot plate. We made a fruit salad, coleslaw, and the real challenge, “candied yams.” But all in all our dishes didn't look too bad. Then we helped each other get ready. I'd taken several outfits up. (I hoped they would help me decide since I've never been to a fellowship party here, and I didn't want to over-or underdress for the occasion.) As it turned out, they encouraged me to wear the dressiest dress (a mid-night blue velvet number with glass beads that Steph had given me after she got pregnant with Clayton). But I didn't have the right shoes.

  “I've got some that'll be perfect,” said Kim.

  “But you're so petite,” I protested. I'm guessing she's barely five feet tall.

  She grinned. “But my feet are size seven and a half.”

  “You're kidding. That's perfect!”

  Then Lindsey insisted on putting up my hair.

  Somewhat skeptical, I almost said no. But when I saw the hope on her face, I gave in. What difference would it make if I ended up looking like the prom queen or even a clown. This party was just for fun anyway. Then to my surprise, she actually did a great job.

  “Oh, Caitlin,” gushed Kim when she saw my hair piled high, “you look just like Gwyneth Paltrow at the Oscars. But you're going to need some earrings now. I think I have just the pair.”

  I stared in amazement at how well Lindsey had arranged the straight blond hair that usually gives me so much trouble when I try to style it in anything outside of the ordinary. “Lindsey, are you sure you're taking the right major? I mean, I'll bet that a really good hairstylist could make more money than a schoolteacher.”

  She laughed. “You're probably right. But as much as I like styling hair, I can't imagine doing it every day. And as far as teaching goes, it's a good thing I'm not in it for the money.”

  “Speaking of majors,” Kim held up a red silk dress that she'd just finished steaming. “You haven't mentioned yours, Caitlin. I know you want to work with the orphans in Mexico, but what are you taking?”

  “Good question. I haven't totally decided. The obvious major is education, maybe early childhood ed. But I really love writing too.”

  “Lucky for you, you don't have to decide yet,” said Lindsey. “I was still torn last year when I had to declare between secondary and elementary ed. But after volunteering in a middle school for a couple of weeks, I had no doubt that I'd rather be with the little kids. I'd completely forgotten how creepy and obnoxious young adolescents can be.”

  “It's cool that we're all interested in working with kids,” said Kim as she put the finishing touches on her makeup.

  “Kim, you look gorgeous,” I said admiring her exotic-looking Asian beauty.

  Lindsey groaned and looked down at her T-shirt and sweatpants. “Now I feel just like Cinderella.”

  “Poor Lindsey,” said Kim. “Don't worry; we'll help you get all glammed up now.”

  And although Lindsey isn't exactly what you'd call a natural beauty, we (mostly Kim) did manage to get her looking quite stunning. Even she was pleased. “Wow, I really do feel like Cinderella now.”

  And so we gathered up our food and trekked over to the hall where the festivities were to be held. And as hokey as it sounds, we sang praise songs as we went. I thought for a brief moment at how Liz would scowl and make fun of the three of us. She'd probably call us “prissy little Christian girls who were all dressed up with no place to go.” But then I also realized how Liz was probably sitting at home right now, stewing unhappily. Still, I decided I wouldn't allow her to dampen my spirits in any way tonight. And I began to sing with even more gusto, enjoying the clicking sound of Kim's exp
ensive shoes as I danced along the sidewalk with my two new friend.

  The only small fly in the ointment (oops, I need to start watching my clichés better–my writing teacher would nab me for this). But anyway, the only black spot on my snowy white evening was that Bryce paid me a little more attention than I wanted. I kept telling myself it was only in a Christian brotherly way, but at the same time I could feel a little alarm going off inside of me. Not that I'm interested in him, mind you, but I just don't want to lead him on either.

  As the party was winding to an end, he asked if I needed him to escort me home. But thankfully, I had Kim and Lindsey as excuses to decline his kind offer.

  “By the way, Caitlin,” he said as I recovered my dish from the potluck. “I'm going home on Wednesday for Thanksgiving. Do you need a ride?”

  Well, I knew my parents would gladly come pick me up, but I also knew how much they'd appreciate me getting a ride on my own. And so I agreed. But even as I said the words, I regretted it. But maybe I can use the travel time to somehow, and in a kind way, convey to him my convictions on dating. In a way, my nondating stance makes it much simpler when a situation like this arises. More cut-and-dried, you know? Still, I don't want to hurt him. And it'd be nice if we could remain friends since he has a car and our hometowns are so handily located near each other. It's times like this that I'm really thankful that I made that commitment.

  ELEVEN

  Friday, November 22 (Thankful homecoming)

  On, it's so great to be home again. And Thanksgiving was the best ever! Steph and Tony hosted our family as well as several people from church (who don't have family around here), and it was the best time. We stuffed ourselves, then played goofy board games and watched football and visited. Really laid-back but very cool.

  Today I mostly hung with my family. First I fixed them breakfast (which completely blew my dad away since he still thinks I don't get up until noon on non-school days). After that, Mom and I did some Christmas shopping. A joke really, since the stores were so packed that we could barely find anything. Although I did manage to lay my hands on some sweet little angel ornaments that I plan to give to my friends.

  I think the whole idea of shopping was really just an excuse for spending time together. I've discovered that living away from home REALLY makes me appreciate my parents–a lot! I can't quite believe it, but I find myself looking up to them more then ever. It's like they've suddenly become so wise and valuable and dependable lately. Or has my perspective changed? Anyway, it's kind of nice to enjoy being around my family.

  Tonight we watched a cheesy video that Dad made containing all the highlights of Ben's football games. And it was actually pretty funny. Then we played Pictionary and laughed a lot. I honestly can't remember having an evening like that with my family (where no one got into any squabbles or anything). It felt as if we could've been the model family for a contemporary Norman Rockwell picture. I realize these moments don't come along too often, and so I'm determined to cherish it in my memory for a long time. If nothing else, it should warm my heart when I'm back in my chilly dorm room with Liz.

  Speaking of Liz, I'm afraid that she didn't go home for Thanksgiving. I'm not even sure why I think this other than the fact that she didn't seem to be packing up or anything. I asked if she had any plans (I'd been trying to reach out a little more), but she just shrugged and said she wasn't sure yet. So without really thinking, I actually invited her to come home with me. Now, really, I can't imagine what I would've done if she'd agreed (not that she would've, but I think I might have fallen over stone dead if she had). Still, I'm sure my family would've gone out of their way to make her feel at home. They know she's not the easiest girl to get along with. In fact, even today my mom encouraged me to get my room switched before winter term begins.

  “It's sweet that you care about this girl, Caitlin,” she said tactfully as we ate a quick lunch in the noisy food court at the mall. “But we don't want to see your living situation dragging you down while you're trying to study and keep your grades up. We've all sensed that it's been pretty stressful for you this fall.”

  And to think they didn't know the half of it! “Yeah, it isn't easy. But I think it's pretty likely that we won't be together after Christmas.” I set down my soda and looked at Mom, wondering if she'd really understand. Now, I don't want to sound as if I'm spiritually superior or anything (because I know that's ridiculous), but sometimes it seems like my parents aren't quite as committed or sold out to God as I am. I mean, they still question my goal of serving God full-time with whatever career choice I make. I suspect they think I'm going through a stage or something. So I wasn't sure if Mom would really get what I was about to say. But I decided to try it anyway. “You see, I can't help but think God had a reason for putting me in that room with Liz. As hard and cold as she is, I think she's really looking for answers. And it seems like she has a real problem with church or Christians or religion, and that's probably why she takes it out on me–”

  “Takes what out on you?” Mom looked concerned.

  I laughed. “Oh, Mom, it's not like she beats me up or anything. She's just extremely antagonistic toward God. And she has a pretty sharp tongue too.” Naturally I didn't mention how Liz might occasionally make an unsaved rapper uncomfortable with her trashed-out vocabulary. “But despite all that, I believe God is working on her. And I think He still wants to use me to …”

  “To what?”

  I shrugged. “I don't exactly know. Believe me, I realize I can't save her. And I know I'm not an evangelist. But somehow I think all the stuff I've gone through with her this fall is for a purpose. At least I hope it is.”

  Mom just shook her head.

  “And if it makes you feel any better, I've really been praying that God will show me what to do.”

  Then Mom smiled and patted me on the arm. “I'm sure He will, honey. And even though I do worry about you with that strange girl, I'm still proud of you for handling everything in such a mature way.”

  Those words meant a lot to me. I know my parents and I still don't see eye to eye about everything. But it's nice to know they respect what I'm doing. I just hope I don't let them down.

  Saturday, November 23 (letting go)

  Today I hung with Beanie and Jenny (Anna was out of town at an aunt's house), and we had a really good time. Thankfully, Jenny and Beanie have resolved their differences over Danny without any bloodshed or permanent disrepair. Apparently, Danny the drummer (they hate when I call him that, but I think it's rather cute) is happy to make their friendship a trio. And all have agreed not to get serious, although I suspect Jenny may still have feelings for him. But then that's what happens when you nurture a crush for an extended period of time. It's an open invitation for heartbreak if you ask me (of course, no one's asking, thank you very much).

  Once again I must remind myself of this regarding my own feelings for Josh because despite my image of having it so together (or so my friends think) over this whole “nondating” thing, I realize that it's still quite possible to have my heart involved whether I'm dating or not. And I'm getting the strong sense that I need to guard my heart more carefully.

  Especially after tonight. Okay, just relax now, it's not like Josh and I sneaked out and had a passionate kissing scene again. Thank goodness. What happened is that the youth group in Tony's church was having a little hoedown tonight, and they invited all of us “old-timers” to come. Actually it was a square dance, and you were supposed to come dressed up like someone from out of the Old West. Corny, I know, but fun just the same.

  Anyway, I borrowed some stuff from Steph (she used to be into what she calls cowboy dancing–now talk about corny!), but thanks to her I was able to pull together a pretty cute cowgirl outfit, complete with boots and a hat! Jenny and Beanie picked me up. Beanie looked like a farmer in her bib overalls and a red bandanna tied around her neck. And Jenny had on a hilarious pink satin getup that she'd scrounged from her mom.

  “She says it's from her
urban cowgirl phase,” explained Jenny with good humor. “I think she actually wore it during the early eighties.”

  We three arrived in high spirits and jumped right into the action. You really don't have to know a whole lot to be able to square dance since the caller pretty much tells you what to do. And half the fun is bumbling along and making a complete fool of yourself anyway. Mostly it was great to see old friends and act silly and laugh. It's occurred to me this weekend how I don't laugh nearly as much as I used to since I started college. This is something I'm hoping will change!

  Naturally Chloe was there, since she's pretty involved in church these days. And she was even decked out in a pair of old-fashioned blue jeans that came all the way to the waist and were cinched in with a Western-style belt.

  “Pretty hot,” I told her with a wink. “Is this your new look?”

  “Yeah, you bet.” She arched an eyebrow and grinned. “Although I'm sure my parents are hoping …”

  “Hey there,” Josh said, grabbing my arm. “You ready to do-si-do with me?”

  I laughed and went out with him just in time to do the Virginia reel. (A dance I still remember from my middle-school years when I was too shy to even look into my partner's face.) But tonight I looked right into Josh's blue eyes and danced and laughed and really enjoyed myself. When the dance ended, Josh bowed and tipped his cowboy hat, then moseyed on over to Beanie for the next number.

  Now, everyone was pretty much dancing with everyone. And since there were more girls than guys, we girls even took turns taking the guys' parts. But I kept hoping that Josh would seek me out for another dance. I tried not to look too obvious as I glanced across the room to see who he was dancing with–sometimes Jenny or Beanie or Andrea or even Chloe. And I couldn't help but notice that he danced with some of them (like Jenny) more than just once. But by the time the evening ended, he had only danced that one single dance with me. And the embarrassing truth is I was feeling slightly irritated and hurt. But at the same time, I kept telling myself that it was senseless and stupid. Why should he feel the need to dance with me at all? And why should I feel so upset that he didn't?