Becoming Me Read online

  Then Beanie came over to spend the night at my house (she’s asleep already; I think being pregnant makes you really tired). But we stayed up pretty late talking too. She said her mother didn’t call to check on her last night, so she figures she doesn’t care and is probably glad to be rid of her. I just can’t imagine how that would feel if my mom wanted to be rid of me. Poor Beanie, and just when she could really use a mother’s love. Apparently it went okay with Aunt Steph last night. We’ll see how it goes. Beanie used to dislike Aunt Steph, but she’s watched her change in the last six months and I think she’s appreciating her more than ever. And Beanie said she’d really like to baby-sit Oliver this summer, and how that will help get her used to being around babies. When she said that I felt a chill of shock run through me as I remembered again that by next year, Beanie would have a real, live baby! It’s almost too weird to even think about. And I have a hard time talking about it with her. But maybe that’s where Aunt Steph will come in handy. I still haven’t told Beanie about my virginity vow to God. I kind of think that would be just about the last thing she needs to hear right now. Poor Beanie.

  June 3, Sunday (just an ordinary day)

  We had a car wash after youth group today. Both Beanie and Zach participated and everyone was getting all excited about how fun it will be to go to Mexico together and everything. Then I glanced over at Beanie to see this really sad look in her eyes, like her life (or maybe just her youth) was all over with now. And I wondered if being pregnant means she shouldn’t go to Mexico (would it hurt the baby or something?). It’s still just so much to take in.

  Afterwards a bunch of us, including Andrea, went out for burgers and Andrea started to jokingly mention something about “our vows” but I managed to stop her and change the subject. I just didn’t want Beanie to hear about that yet. I wondered if there was some way to warn Andrea off without totally spilling the beans. I guess I’ll be relieved when the state meet is over and Beanie can finally tell Zach. Until then, my lips are sealed (as are Aunt Steph’s). Speaking of Aunt Steph, Beanie and I observed her chatting with Pastor Tony (a little longer than seemed necessary). I’m wondering if there really might be something to my suspicions, and now with Beanie staying with Steph, we’ll have a built in spy (not that we’re spying), but I do think it’d be cool if Steph and Tony really hit it off, and I sure wouldn’t mind having Tony for an uncle. He’s had so many sad things in his life—and Steph is really a lot of fun. Anyway, I’ll keep praying for them (to discover God’s will in this regard), and I’m sure God can work out all the details.

  June 5, Tuesday (now what?)

  Okay, this takes the weirdness award of the week (as far as I’m concerned). Tonight, who shows up on my doorstep but Josh Miller! Well, I don’t want to be impolite or anything, but I want to know why he came. Of course, the next thing I know, dear Benjamin is dribbling a basketball all over the driveway, loudly begging Josh to play Horse, and, of course, Josh agrees. So I go in the house thinking, Fine, he came over to play with my little brother. Mom looks at me kind of funny, and I quickly explain that I did NOT invite him over, nor am I pleased that he’s here.

  Well, my dad overhears part of our conversation and speaks up (in what I’m sure he thinks is a very fatherly way). “Sounds like you’re being kind of hard on poor Josh, Catie.” I look to my mom for help and she just makes a funny face. (I never did tell my dad about why I broke it off with Josh, and now I suspect my mom didn’t either—which she probably thought was what I wanted at the time.)

  So I lamely say to my dad, “But I don’t really like him, Dad.”

  Then my dad kind of laughs and says. “Well, maybe you need to give the poor guy a second chance. You know we men can make mistakes sometimes.” I want to say, Okay, who are you and what have you done with my dad? but by then Josh is being led through the back door by Ben who is getting him a soda. I just roll my eyes at Dad then go out to see how I can best get rid of Josh.

  Finally I get Josh out to the front porch (a few steps closer to his Jeep) and I ask him, point blank, why he came over here. Big mistake! He immediately starts doing this song-and-dance routine (did I mention well rehearsed?) about how much he cares for me, how he’s missed me, how I’ve hurt him. And finally, just when I’m afraid that I’m starting to fall for it (and I can hardly believe what a wimp I am!), I hold up both hands and tell him to stop, that I don’t want to hear it.

  Then I say, “I’m sorry if I hurt you when I broke up, although you seemed to recover pretty quickly by getting back with Jenny—” Of course he cuts me off there, saying how it was Jenny who came after him (which I can believe by the way). But anyway, then I realize I HAVE to tell him about my vow to God, and for some reason I find this awfully embarrassing. But my heart starts to pound and then it’s as if Jesus is standing right by my side, saying, “Go ahead and tell him everything.” Well, I haven’t even told my parents yet, and the windows to our house are all open, and somehow I just don’t want them to overhear our conversation like this.

  So, I ask if we take a ride. And he grins big and says, “Sure.” And I’m certain he thinks he’s gotten through to me (and who knows what else he thinks on this warm summer evening). So we start to drive and I immediately tell him (in surprising detail) all about my vow to remain a virgin and how I may not even date anymore. Well, at first he thinks I’m kidding, but I assure him I’m dead serious. Then he just gets real quiet. And finally he says, “Does this mean you’re going to become a nun or something?”

  Which makes me laugh, and I have to admit I was worried people would think that. But I tell him, “No. It’s just something I believe God wants me to do—to protect me. And since I made this vow I’ve been really happy and relieved. And I plan on sticking to it.” So he asks what’s wrong with dating, and I have to explain that it just puts me in a situation where I might mess up on my vow and I don’t want to do it. Then an idea hits me (you see my grandma in Pasadena is a recovering alcoholic). So I say, “It’s like an alcoholic who’s made the choice not to drink anymore—she wouldn’t want to spend any time hanging out at the bar, would she?”

  Anyway, he got my point and started to take me back home. Then I said something I never dreamed I’d hear myself saying to Josh Miller. “You know, I really do like you, Josh. And when I was first getting to know you, do you remember how we were just friends. Remember how we talked in the library and stuff?” He nodded.

  Then I said, “I’d still like to be friends with you like that.”

  He laughed. “It’s never supposed to be good news when a girl says she ‘just wants to be friends with you.’”

  I shook my head and said, “But this is different, Josh. Just being friends is a really good thing!” Then I stuck out my hand and we shook to friendship, and Josh made me promise not to tell any of his buddies about this.

  And once it was all said and done, it was kind of a nice relief to have a chance to say those things to him. Sort of like no hard feelings, you know. And, who knows, maybe Josh will grow up in time and turn into a strong Christian, and then who knows? But, believe me, I am not holding my breath. And this will not, (in any way, shape, or form) change or affect my vow to God.

  Now I get the feeling that I’ll have to tell my parents about this whole thing, and I’m just not sure how to go about it. I mean, it’s not like you just announce to everyone at the dinner table, “Hey, everyone, I’ve decided not to have sex until I get married!” No, I’m sure there must be a better way. I guess I’ll just have to ask God to show me when and how to best do it.

  TWENTY-TWO

  June 8, Friday

  Only one more week of school. And tomorrow is the state track meet (not that I qualified). But Mom said I can borrow her car to drive Beanie and me up there. Mom’s been a whole lot nicer to Beanie lately. I think it’s because she suspects there’s something seriously wrong between Beanie and her mom (which has resulted in her moving in with Steph). And, since everyone knows Beanie’s mom is sort of messed u
p, naturally Mom’s sympathy would lie with Beanie. I’m just not sure what Mom will say when she discovers what’s really going on with Beanie (and thankfully, Steph isn’t saying anything just yet). So far, it’s going really well with Beanie and Steph (Beanie’s been watching Oliver a lot for her, and she actually seems to really like the little rug rat—maybe something maternal has kicked in with her). It’s a relief having Beanie in a safe place. I was afraid she was about ready to lose it, and I think Steph is good medicine.

  I still can’t believe that Beanie has managed to keep her secret from Zach. I don’t know if I’d have that much self-control—I think I’d want the guy to suffer with me (not that I’ll ever get in that situation). I suppose Beanie had plenty of practice keeping her mouth shut when she lived with her mom. Sometimes I thought that was why she was so crazy and outspoken in other circles. But she sure hasn’t been like that lately. She’s like a totally different Beanie. Mostly she’s quiet and introspective these days. And sad. Very sad.

  I’m afraid to ask her what she plans to do about school next year. I mean, some girls go to school while they’re pregnant, but I’ve seen them getting teased a lot too. And Beanie has so much pride, I can’t imagine her handling that very well. I suppose she’s so smart she could just take her GED test and be done with high school altogether. But that seems kind of dismal and anticlimactic (there you go, Miss Tyler, my new vocabulary word for the day—and it means something like a letdown). I think it would be a big letdown to miss your senior year. I mean, I’ve always looked forward to being seniors together with Beanie (sort of ruling the school, you know).

  But who knows, maybe she doesn’t care about that kind of stuff anymore. Maybe she’s thinking about being a mom, or perhaps something as crazy as marrying Zach!! But if she and Zach did get married, how would they ever go to college? And, good grief, she’s only seventeen!! But I’m sure it would be really hard to give up your baby for adoption. And I know she’d never consider abortion—it goes against all she believes about the sanctity of life and everything. On the other hand, she was always thinking about the sanctity of other people’s lives, and now, it’s her life that we’re talking about here. Oh, man, too many things to consider—just way too confusing for me. I’m glad I’m not making these kinds of decisions. Best to keep praying for her—that God will show her what to do. For now I’ll just stand by her and continue to be her best friend.

  Speaking of friends, I actually had a nice chat with Josh at lunch today. No pressure or anything, just a normal friendly conversation. I kind of think he liked it too. He and Jenny are still broken up and I notice she was looking our way; I wanted to reassure her that I was absolutely no competition. And who knows, maybe someday I’ll even tell her what’s up with me. Although I doubt that she’d understand (she’s not even a Christian), but it might just make her think. For all I know God could be working on her even as I write this. Anyway, she’s on my prayer list, which is getting quite long by the way.

  June 9, Saturday (winners and losers)

  What mixed feelings I’m having after the track meet today. First off let me say that Zach was totally incredible out there! In top form, he beat his own personal best time in every race—and placed first in two races and third in one. We were just going nuts in the grandstands for him. Beanie was so totally proud of him, she was literally beaming (the first time I’ve seen her look happy in weeks!).

  Afterwards we headed down there to congratulate him, and we noticed that an older guy, wearing a polo shirt from a prestigious and private (out of state) college, was talking to Zach. So we just stood off to the side and waited. Then he finally left, and we ran over to hug Zach, and that’s when he told us that the guy was the college track coach and he was offering him a full athletic scholarship. Zach was so thrilled. (His parents can’t afford anything but community college to start out with and so this is a really huge deal for him—everything he’s been working for and dreaming of for a long time.)

  So, Beanie congratulated him and acted like that was just great, but I could tell she was hurting inside. I congratulated him too, and then he told us that Coach Reynolds was taking him out for dinner to celebrate, and that he’d see us both at youth group tomorrow.

  I’m not sure if Beanie had even planned on telling him right after the meet, but I guess it was kind of her to allow him a chance to enjoy his achievement for a while. He’d be brought back down to earth soon enough anyway. But then on our way back home, she announces that she’s not going to break the news to him until after graduation. Well, in my opinion, that’s going way above and beyond the call of duty—and so I tell her. And, of course, we get into this big old fight over the whole thing. And she tells me not to try to run her life. As if!

  What I couldn’t make her understand is that I’m only thinking of her own welfare. This is just too huge of a burden for her to bear all by herself. I mean, didn’t Zach have something to do with making this baby? It only seems fair that he should suffer a little too. But Beanie wouldn’t hear of it, and she made me promise to continue my vow of silence. So I just continued it all the way home!

  Honestly, times like that with her, and I just totally lose my patience about everything. I suppose she’s right—I would like to tell her how to live. I even wanted to tell her that if she hadn’t had sex with Zach in the first place she wouldn’t be in this position right now. But I’m so glad I had decided to keep my mouth shut just then. After I cooled off, I realized how that would have been really cruel on my part. Because who am I to say whether she should tell him now or not; maybe there’s a good reason for her to wait until he graduates. I just hope (when he finds out) that he’ll appreciate everything she’s gone through for him!

  June 12, Tuesday (my future’s so bright I need sunglasses)

  The seniors have flown the coop. They don’t come to class all this week, and so everything seems kind of quiet and flat around here without them. I hope it’ll be better than this next fall when we’re the seniors (although I still don’t know if Beanie will be here then, which makes me wonder if I need to be on the lookout for a new best friend). Of course, Beanie and I made up over our silly fight in the car the other day. And now that she and Zach are spending more time together again, she seems a little happier (which makes it easier to get along with her).

  The good news this week is that I got the job as a part-time receptionist at the ad agency (no burger flipping for me!). I think it’ll be fun acting like a grown-up and wearing office clothes. It’s only five hours a day, but hey, that means I can sleep in during the mornings. And for two weeks in July I’ll work full-time while the regular receptionist takes her vacation time. I already told her about my Mexico plans, and she said it’ll be fine, and that their company has even been known to donate towards certain charitable causes! So life is looking up for me right now.

  Beanie has agreed to baby-sit all summer for Oliver. I feel kind of sorry for her (since she used to hate babysitting in the past), but maybe this is helping her realize what being a full-time mommy is all about. She still hasn’t told me about what she plans to do. I guess it’ll all depend on what Zach says after graduation. What a shock that’s going to be! I mean, I can just imagine Beanie shaking his hand after he gets his diploma and then saying, “Congratulations on graduating, and oh, by the way, you’re going to be a daddy.” Not that she’d do it like that. But can you imagine? I mean, what if Zach fainted from shock or something? Anyway, I’ll just be really glad when this whole thing is out in the open.

  Speaking of out in the open, I told my mom about my vow yesterday. We had gone to the mall to get a birthday present for my dad (it’s his birthday this weekend). The timing just seemed right, so I told her. She was really sweet about the whole thing (actually, I’m sure she was probably relieved). She asked some questions, and then told me that she thought I was turning into a “very wise and mature” young woman, and that she was surprised I hadn’t been bugging them for a car lately.

  Wel
l, in an effort of extreme self-control (not leaping out of my chair), I said that I thought having a car could be very helpful to get me to and from work, but that I also knew I could ride the bus to get there. She smiled at that (probably saw right through me). Then I mentioned that I might make enough money to afford a small car payment each month (and still have enough for the Mexico trip and hopefully some school clothes in the fall). I told her I’d seen an ad on TV recently (at Price’s Auto Mart) where you could “drive away a car for as little as $99 a month,” but I wasn’t sure if that would really be much of a car or not. And she said, she didn’t know, but maybe we could check it out!

  So, now I’m imagining myself behind the wheel of a blue (or maybe yellow) VW Bug (you know, with the bud vase on the dash). But I suppose that might be dreaming a little too big just now, and maybe a little shallow too. At least it seems possible that I might get some wheels! I can’t wait to tell Beanie.

  June 13, Wednesday (another happy surprise)

  Okay, I’ll admit it, I’m the type of person who has occasionally daydreamed about standing in the limelight (I mean who hasn’t?). Like I had actually hoped that I’d make it to the state meet in high jump, but coming in third at district just didn’t quite cut it. I suppose for a brief time, I even entertained illusions of being crowned prom queen along with Josh as king. (By the way, that honor went to Nathan and Heather, not Josh and Jenny like everyone had expected!) And I’ll admit that I sometimes think it would be fun to actually be someone like Gwyneth Paltrow and have your face on the cover of lots of magazines. Yes, I’m certainly no candidate for sainthood yet, and I definitely do lean toward shallowness sometimes (although I’m battling against it).