Becoming Me Read online

  So, anyway, you can imagine how thrilled I was at the awards ceremony today when Miss Tyler announced that I had won the state creative writing contest (I didn’t even know I’d been entered!). It was actually kind of cool to walk up there (amid the applause) and claim my award (a nice plaque with my name on it) along with a two hundred dollar savings bond that goes toward college tuition—and, here’s the very best part, my short story will be published in a national teen literary magazine within the next year. So for the rest of the day, I felt like I was sort of floating. I even called both my parents at work (leaving a complete message so they wouldn’t get all worried and think I was in the hospital or something).

  Then when I got home, my mom had actually put together a special celebration dinner with crepe paper and balloons (she didn’t actually cook, but had stopped by for takeout Chinese with all my favorite dishes).

  So, there you have it, you get up and go to school, thinking it’s just another ordinary day and the next thing you know, something totally unexpected happens! Life’s like that. I guess it’s like Forrest Gump said about the box of chocolates—you just never know what you’re going to get!

  Beanie was really sweet about the award, congratulating me and everything, but I couldn’t help wondering how she was feeling underneath it all. I mean, she’s really the academic (although her grades don’t always show it) but I think her relationship with Zach (this spring) might have distracted her from her schoolwork worse than usual. And believe me, I know how that can happen. She’s usually the one who wins an academic award now and then, and here she doesn’t get a single thing today! Not only that, this could very well be her last year of school. Oh, it’s just too sad to even think about!

  TWENTY-THREE

  June 15, Friday (Harrison seniors graduate)

  Josh actually invited me to go to the graduation all-night party with him (but just as friends, he said). I really did think about it, but finally decided it was a bad idea. I didn’t tell him it was mostly because I don’t trust myself. I’m afraid that if I spent all that time with him (even with a bunch of other people around) that I’d start wanting him as my boyfriend again, and as a result I could be putting my vow at risk. And in the end, it’s just not worth it. He said he understood and that he respected that I was sticking by my promise to God. I think he even meant it. He’s really interested in our Mexico mission. Zach had told him a little about it, and I guess Josh is even considering coming along too. Of course, I wonder if Zach will actually go once he finds out that Beanie’s pregnant.

  Speaking of which, she didn’t break the news to him the minute he received his diploma (so there was no fainting on the gym floor). I doubt that she’ll even tell him tonight since they’re going to the all-night party together. I’ve decided that’s her business anyway, and I’m sure she’ll tell him when the time is right.

  I cried at graduation. I’m sure everyone thought it was just because I was sad to see all the seniors moving on, but the real reason was that I was thinking about Clay and how he would have graduated from McFadden (they hold their ceremony tomorrow); and anyway it just got to me. Of course, a lot of people cry at graduations, so it’s not like I really stood out or anything. Then I noticed that Beanie was crying too. I’m not sure if she was crying for Zach, or maybe Clay, or perhaps it was just the harsh realization that she might not get to do this next year. I don’t know, and I didn’t want to ask.

  Anyway, I left Beanie there with Zach (I had given her a ride) and then I went on home. And I suppose I felt just slightly bad that I’d turned down the invitation to the all-night party. I mean, it sort of feels like I’m on the outside looking in again. And I’d be a liar to say that doesn’t hurt just a little. Okay, for a moment there it hurt a lot!

  But the thing is, I’m doing what I believe God wants me to do, and that fills my heart with a certain satisfaction that is bigger and better than going to any kind of party. And so, I’m really okay with everything.

  Aunt Steph was here when I got home. It seems she is going to go with Pastor Tony to the McFadden graduation tomorrow night (which she said is not a date!). I guess Tony is going to say a few words on behalf of Clay, and he wanted someone along for moral support and asked her to join him. She invited me to come along too. I told her how I’d sobbed at tonight’s graduation (just thinking of Clay) and how I might totally go to pieces tomorrow. She said that was okay, she expected there’d be a lot of tears. I could tell she wanted to ask me about Beanie and Zach. I know (like me) she wishes that Beanie would just get it all out in the open. But my parents were around, so we couldn’t discuss it. I expect she’ll hear something from Beanie before I do though.

  June 16, Saturday (a very somber graduation)

  I went with Tony and Steph to the McFadden graduation. We sat with a bunch of kids from the youth group. I felt kind of sorry for the actual graduates (although at least they’re alive) because it seemed that so much attention was focused on the two seniors who weren’t there. It was a pretty somber ceremony. Andrea LeMarsh told me that the senior class had decided that their graduation should honor the memory of Clay and Brittany (the other senior girl who was killed and who would have been valedictorian). Her brother got up and said a few things on her behalf, and then some of her friends did too. Then Tony spoke about Clay. Well, all I can say is, I’m sure there wasn’t a dry eye in the entire house. But the strange thing was, I felt better when it was all over. Maybe it was just another step in the grieving process, but I think we all felt like we’d moved one more step towards healing.

  Afterwards, we went out for pizza with a bunch of the youth group kids from McFadden (who weren’t seniors or going to their all-night party) and then we went and played miniature golf until eleven o’clock. It was actually a lot of fun, and we all acted pretty goofy. Zach and Beanie weren’t there. And when I asked Steph if she’d heard anything, she just shook her head and said that Beanie had slept most of the day (probably worn out after the all-night party), so I’m guessing that Zach doesn’t know yet.

  Tomorrow’s my dad’s birthday, and we’re having a surprise birthday party for him. I’m supposed to get him out of the house under the guise of car shopping (my idea, of course). But I also plan to give him my “gift” while we’re out. It’s not actually a real gift; I made him a card with a special poem that I wrote for him (I know, just because I won that writing award, there’s no stopping me). Anyway, this is the poem (it’s pretty corny, but I know my dad’ll like it):

  Daddy’s Little Girl by Caitlin O’Conner

  Remember how I used to hold your hand

  Long ago when I was quite small.

  But still you call me Daddy’s Little Girl

  Even though I have grown very tall.

  There were times when we did not agree

  When all we did was argue and to fight

  About silly things like boys and going out

  And dates that lasted way into the night

  But Daddy’s Little Girl is growing up

  And starting to see things the way you see

  And suddenly I’ve come to realize

  That what you do, you do since you love me!

  Then I signed the card and wrote down the date “May 26”—but I didn’t explain why. I’m hoping he’ll ask and then I’ll tell him about my promise to God, and then I’ll tell him about how I’m not really into dating right now. Which I’m sure he should appreciate seeing how last winter he was so totally opposed. I figure his recent change of heart (like when he was pressuring me to go out with Josh) is only because he’s trying to show that he trusts me now, which is actually rather sweet. But I want him to understand my decision and why I made it so he can be supportive of it. Besides, like Mom, I’m sure he’ll be relieved. Especially when they learn the sad news about Beanie.

  Now I just hope that Dad doesn’t think I’m trying to soften him up just so that I can get a car (although it’s not such a bad strategy, come to think of it, but it really wasn�
��t my original intent!).

  June 17, Sunday (Dad’s birthday surprise)

  Well, I took Dad out car shopping (as planned). After we’d looked at a couple of lots, I asked him if we could go sit down and have a Coke. So then while we’re sitting at a picnic table outside this greasy little burger joint next to the car lot, I give Dad his card (and although it wasn’t a Hallmark, it was certainly a Hallmark moment!). Naturally, my dad got kind of teary-eyed. Then he thanked me and said he’d treasure it always, and we talked a little about all the stuff that went on this year, the good and the bad. And he said, once again, how much he regretted that whole thing with Belinda, but did I know that I played a crucial part in keeping him from proceeding any further in his relationship with her?

  I said, “No, how was that? All I remembered at the time was acting like a spoiled brat.” He smiled and said that it all started with that day I showed up at his office, just before Valentine’s Day. Then he proceeded to tell me how Mrs. Greenly mentioned my stopping by, and how I’d waited in his office for a while, and then how I’d left rather suddenly and looked sort of upset. Well, I was pretty surprised because I hadn’t even known that he’d been aware that I was there.

  “Furthermore,” he continued and I could see he was still slightly uncomfortable or maybe just embarrassed. “When I looked in a certain drawer, I could tell that you’d seen it—the card had gotten caught in the drawer and was bent.” I almost said I was sorry, but realized that would be silly. Then he told me that he never did give her that bracelet, and that he had returned it later that week. He had bought it while flirting with the idea of having an affair. And although he continued seeing her off and on (for lunches and dinner), it just never went further than that.

  “So you see,” he said as he reached for my hand, “I think God sent you as my guardian angel that day.” Well, I never would’ve guessed that my visit could have made any difference. But here’s the funny thing—after the shock of discovering about Belinda, I can’t even remember why I went there in the first place. I know I’d been upset about something, but that’s about all I remember.

  Then my dad asked me what the date May 26 meant—was that when I’d written the poem? And so I told him. Then he really did cry. I felt sort of bad, making him cry like that on his birthday, but then I remembered how much better I felt after crying for Clay again last night. I even told Dad all about that. Then suddenly I looked at my watch and realized it was time to head back to the party. Dad couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to keep looking at cars, but I told him we could do it another day (which I’m hoping he won’t forget!).

  The party was a success. Dad was totally surprised. Benjamin had been in charge of decorations which explained the really wild selection of colors and about a thousand balloons all over the place, which we all ended up popping before the night was over.

  Beanie and Zach were there too, and I could tell by the tightness around Beanie’s jaw, and by Zach’s happy disposition, that she had still not told him. I even took her aside at one point, and without being too pushy encouraged her to take care of this business. She assured me that she planned to. Although I have my doubts. And Beanie’s so thin, that I can just imagine her stomach starting to stick out before too long, and she’ll probably just tell Zach that she’s been putting on a little weight! Come on, Beanie, just get it over with!

  TWENTY-FOUR

  June 21, Thursday (last day of school)

  School at long last is over, and not a moment too soon as far as I’m concerned! The only teacher I was slightly sad to say good-bye to was Miss Tyler, because she’s not coming back next fall. She’s getting married and moving to Hawaii of all places (can’t feel too sorry for her about that). Anyway I gave her a card and thanked her for being such a good teacher, and she said she expected to read one of my books one day! I’m not taking that too seriously, but it was really nice just the same.

  Beanie informed me today (after me not bugging her all this week—what self-control!) that she plans to tell Zach tonight. He’s taking her out to dinner to celebrate the last day of school. He already got a summer job with the parks and recreation (working with little kids, no less—great preparation for fatherhood I suppose). Anyway, I made Beanie promise to call me tomorrow morning to tell me everything. And I promised to pray for her while she finally breaks the news. Man, I don’t think I could even take it much longer! I almost said something to Mom just yesterday when she wanted to know if Beanie would be able to go on the Mexico trip too.

  This weekend, Dad’s going to take me car shopping again. I think we’ve got it narrowed down to a secondhand car (three or four years old and hopefully not ugly); it has to be something safe and get good gas mileage. Dad tried to talk me into a small pickup that he could borrow sometimes, but I flat out refused—that is, unless he wants to pay for the whole thing (in that case I just might consider it).

  I also told my parents that I won’t mind continuing to work part-time during the school year (so I can make my car payments), but they told me it was too soon to decide, and they were more concerned with my education than about my financial contributions. But a lot of seniors do go to school for part of the day and then work the rest. And since I haven’t lost any credits (although I came close last winter), I can probably do that. But, like my dad said, I’ll think about that later. For now I just want to enjoy a few carefree days of summer. I don’t start work until next Wednesday.

  June 22, Friday (a friend in need)

  I waited until noon for Beanie to call, then finally broke down and called her. But no one answered, which is strange because I thought she was going to start babysitting Oliver today. Then Steph called me and asked if I knew where Beanie was; it seemed she never came home last night. Now, this has me worried, so I call Zach’s house, but his mom says he’s working today and she hasn’t seen Beanie (and the way she says it, I can tell she must not like Beanie very much and that bugs me).

  So, I think I’ll try Beanie’s mom, but I can’t imagine why Beanie would go there. Unless, perhaps, she wanted to tell her about the pregnancy. But surely, she wouldn’t have spent the night. So I call and there’s no answer. Now, I’m feeling kind of freaked and really wishing I had a car. Mom’s still at work (teachers have today to clean up and stuff).

  So, I hop on my old bike and ride over to the park where I think Beanie said Zach is supposed to be working. And sure enough there he is with a bunch of little kids hanging around. It’s kind of a sweet scene, but I’m really not in the mood to appreciate it. Anyway, I walk up and ask if he knows where Beanie is. Well, he looks real surprised to see me, and I can tell by the look on his face that he knows. But I don’t want to say anything about it right now. Then he tells me that she wanted to be dropped off at her mom’s last night. That’s the last he saw of her.

  Now I’m getting all worried, thinking Beanie has told her mom and her mom has flipped out and like killed her or something. Now, I know that sounds like overreacting on my part, but I’ve seen Beanie’s mom lose her temper before, and it’s pretty scary. Something like this could really set her off. So by the time I get to Beanie’s mom’s house, my legs are actually shaking with fear. Thankfully, her mom’s old beater car isn’t in the driveway, so at least I won’t have to face her. But after I knock on the door for a long time, no one answers and I’m thinking, what if Beanie is in there all beat up and unable to answer the door? Or what if she’s dead? I don’t know what to do. I consider breaking in, but if there’s nothing wrong here, I could get into a lot of trouble (Beanie’s mom is just the kind of person who might actually press charges!). So I consider calling the police, but what would I tell them?

  I bang on the door again, this time I’m yelling out Beanie’s name, certain that the neighbors will be over here any minute, but then at least I can tell them that I’m worried for my friend’s safety. And then, finally, just when I think I’m about to totally lose it, the door opens, and there stands Beanie looking like she really is hal
f dead.

  “Are you okay?” I ask and she just shrugs then walks away and sinks into the disgusting heap in the living room that they call a couch. So then I lash into her (my fear has turned into anger) and I ask her what she thinks she’s doing, not coming home to Steph’s place, not telling anyone where she is, and how worried I’ve been.

  She just looks up at me and tells me I’m not her mother and that I should get a life. Well, that really makes me mad. But instead of really letting her have it, I just look at her. And suddenly I see just how hopeless her life must seem to her. And suddenly I just begin to cry. I tell her how sorry I am, and what a lousy friend I am, and how I’m just so relieved that she’s okay. Then she begins to cry too. And we both just sit there crying. Then I ask her if we can go outside in the sunshine and get some fresh air (it’s really bad in the house—I think it’s gotten worse after Beanie left).

  So, we sit out on her dilapidated porch and she tells me the whole story about Zach. Of course, he wasn’t too happy to learn that he was going to become a father—what eighteen-year-old guy with a bright future is? I guess he even blamed Beanie for it at first. (Although according to her, he’s the one who was using “protection,” which she has since learned isn’t a hundred percent fool-proof—DUH!) So anyway, Zach finally reassures her that everything will be okay, and that he’ll take care of her. She said it was the first time in weeks that she felt like she could actually breathe.