Becoming Me Read online

  Anyway, I was freaking that Beanie was going to say something really stupid about me walking with Jenny, so I tried to avoid making eye contact with her. But as soon as she saw me she said hey just like usual and started coming my way, but then I just turned and looked away from her, pretending like I didn’t even know her. I basically just ignored her! I couldn’t even believe I did it. For sure, it was totally stupid not to mention risky—I mean, talk about an open invitation for Beanie to really let me have it. But the really weird thing is, she didn’t. She just kept on walking by. And now I feel absolutely lousy about the whole thing, and I know I’ll have to tell her I’m sorry. I know she will never, in a million years, understand why I’d ever want to be friends with someone like Jenny Lambert. But the truth is, I do! I really do! And it makes me really mad to think that something so simple should suddenly feel so totally complicated.

  January 5, Friday (tough choices)

  Today, Jenny Lambert invited me to sit with her and her friends at lunch. Beanie, at the time, was nowhere in sight (unbelievable luck!). So I said, “Sure, why not.” Man, I thought I must’ve died and gone to heaven—either that or maybe she was teasing. But no, it was true. And so there I sat with them (Jenny and another cheerleader, both wearing their uniforms, and a couple of her other friends too). The most incredible part was that I didn’t make a total fool of myself.

  The secret, I’ve decided, is 1) not to seem overly excited by the whole thing, 2) not to try too hard to impress anyone, and 3) [perhaps most importantly] not to talk too much. But let me tell you, it’s a tricky balancing act, at best. I mean, if you’re too quiet they think you’re all stuck up—and that is totally not acceptable when they’re the ones who are supposed to be snubbing you. But then if you act all happy and pleased to be with them, they’ll treat you like you’re part of their little geek outreach program, and for sure that’ll be the last time you get to sit at their table. Now don’t ask me how I know all this, I think it’s like osmosis—like where you just absorb information without knowing it. Or maybe it’s because I’ve been secretly observing them for the past few years. Just like that little kid with her nose pressed up against the candy store window. Pretty pitiful, isn’t it? But the good news is—I didn’t totally blow it today.

  After school, I did get a chance to talk to Beanie about ignoring her yesterday (and I knew by then that she was purposely ignoring me out of pure spite, and maybe hurt feelings too). Of course, my explanation and apology didn’t go too well. Just like I thought, she didn’t understand at all. She always acts just like she could care less about who’s popular and who’s not. At least I think it’s an act—you can never be too sure with Beanie, she’s so dramatic about everything all the time. I must admit she’s one of the best actors in the drama department. She’s always trying to get me involved, but the problem is I just freeze up in front of crowds. Maybe I’m getting better at this acting business now. I mean, look how cool I can act around Jenny and her friends. In fact, Beanie should be proud of me. But of course she’s not.

  Anyway, I told her to give me a break—and that all I want is to have some more interesting friends. Now that was the totally wrong thing to say to someone like Beanie. I know it really hurt her feelings.

  “So, I suppose I’m not interesting enough for you?” she practically screams as we wait for the school bus (yes, embarrassingly enough, we still ride the school bus). Then she storms off and sits next to this other girl on the bus without saying another word to me. (And let me tell you, it’s bad enough riding the school bus, but it’s absolutely the worst when you can’t even sit with your friend!) This is the first time I can remember making her that mad. But maybe it’s a good thing just now. I really do think I need some space from her—just for the time being. Besides, Beanie is Beanie, and I’m pretty sure she’ll always be there for me—you know, when I need her.

  So, enough about Beanie. Anyway, here’s the really good news. Jenny asked me to go to the mall with her tomorrow—she’s going to get her hair cut almost just like mine. I don’t think I’ll have too hard of a time convincing my parents that Jenny is okay. Especially since her dad is the superintendent of the school district (which sort of makes him my mom’s boss). Also, I know they’ll respect that Jenny’s a cheerleader. My mom was a cheerleader (way back in the dark ages) and I don’t know how many times she’s nagged at me to try out, but I always refuse. (I say I think it’s stupid, but the real reason is I know I’d probably forget every move and, like I said earlier, I’d probably just freeze and make a total fool of myself in front of the entire student body. Thanks, but no thanks!) But anyway, I’m sure Mom will be ecstatic to know that I’m actually hanging with an actual cheerleader.

  But here’s the best part—Jenny has her very own car! It’s a silver Honda Accord, not new, but still in nice condition. It used to be her mom’s, but she told me her mom got a brand new BMW (navy blue) for Christmas, and now the Honda is Jenny’s! Man, some people get all the breaks! But I’m not complaining, not at all. If I can’t have my own car, what’s wrong with having a friend with one? I just hope Jenny still likes me after spending a few hours together. And now I have to figure out what I’m going to wear!

  January 6, Saturday (breaking the rules)

  Okay, you are not going to believe what happened today! First of all, Jenny and I went to the mall just as planned, and we actually had a really great time—but that’s not the part you’re not going to believe. We saw a couple of Jenny’s friends while we were having an Orange Julius at the food court, and so we all just talked and stuff (and, by the way, they both really liked Jenny’s new haircut), and anyway, the next thing I know, one of the girls (Heather Larson) invites me to come to her boyfriend’s house where he’s throwing a birthday party for one of his buddies tonight. I said, “sure, why not,” but the whole time I’m freaking out, thinking there’s no way my parents will let me go to a party at some boy’s house.

  But wonder of wonders, they said I could go. Actually, it was my mom who said I could go (my dad was off at his office again—he’s been putting in a lot of hours lately). I’m pretty sure the only reason my mom let me go is because she’s so impressed with Jenny. I’m pretty certain that if I set both Jenny and Beanie side by side, my mom would pick Jenny to be my best friend (not that Jenny’s offering, but she is being pretty nice to me).

  So anyway, Jenny picks me up and we drive over to Brian Whittier’s house (that’s Heather’s boyfriend and a fantastic basketball player by the way) where it turns out, Brian’s parents are gone for the entire weekend—and I guess it should come as no surprise that, with no parents around, the alcohol is flowing in abundance. I have no idea how Brian got all of it, and of course I don’t ask. And even though I feel slightly shocked about the whole thing, I don’t let on at all. I just act like everything’s cool.

  But just the same, I don’t consume a single drop of alcohol. The truth is, I’m way too scared. I know for a fact that my parents would kill me if they knew what was going on here, and the whole time I’m looking over my shoulder and worrying that this party’s going to get busted big time, and then I’ll have a police record, and how in the world would I explain all this to my conservative, church going parents? But what complicates things even further is that everyone at the party is being all cool and chummy to me, and they’re all kind of goofy and relaxed (not at all how they act in school), and I’m actually having a pretty good time (other than worrying about getting busted).

  So I don’t let anyone know that I’m not drinking anything besides club soda. And pretty soon I even start acting all silly like them (like it’s contagious or something). Of course, it’s a little disturbing (not to mention slightly gross) when a couple of kids get really sick. And one girl throws up all over my favorite shoes—talk about disgusting! But I tell her, “No problem, it’s okay.” Not that she’ll ever remember since she’s so totally wasted. I seriously doubt if I’ll ever get the smell out of these shoes. But all in all it�
�s not so bad. Not really. But there is one thing that bothers me.

  And so now I’m going to be totally honest about something I felt really uncomfortable with tonight—something I totally regret. You see, I let Jenny drive me home even though I knew she was driving under the influence. Of course, she acted like having a few drinks was no big deal, assuring me she was perfectly sober (although I’m pretty sure she wasn’t). And I must admit it scared me a lot! Especially when she accidentally drove up over the curb just a block from my house. I mean, my parents have given me all those talks, you know the ones, about how you should never, ever get in a car with a drunk driver. But they never tell you exactly how to avoid it. I really do know it was an incredibly stupid thing to do—and my parents would totally freak if they knew.

  I feel pretty guilty about the whole thing, and if anything like that ever happens again, I’ll just offer to drive—or maybe I’ll just call my parents to pick me up (although that would be unbelievably embarrassing). To be honest, I don’t know what I’d do under those same circumstances again. Or maybe I’ll just never go to a party like that again. I know how the Bible says to obey your parents. What I did tonight was anything but obedient—still, I didn’t drink any alcohol. Now, wouldn’t they be pleased about that?

  THREE

  Wednesday, January 10 (change happens)

  Beanie hasn’t talked to me all week. And she wasn’t even in youth group on Sunday. I do feel a little bit bad about that. But on the other hand, things just keep getting better and better with Jenny and me. I’ve eaten lunch with her and her friends every day so far this week. Although, I must admit it makes me feel pretty nervous being around them, like I have to act all perfect and everything—and consequently I can hardly eat at all, I just sort of pick at my food, which has caused Heather to suspect that I am slightly anorexic (which they thought was kind of cool), and I didn’t say anything otherwise, although I’m pretty sure that I’m not (even if I am a little on the skinny side). I know that I wouldn’t want to be because I saw a movie once about a girl who died of anorexia and it looked pretty sick.

  Since I’ve been hanging with the more popular kids, I spend a lot more time worrying about how I look; how I talk; what I’m wearing; and all that kind of surface stuff. I mean, I really like hanging with Jenny and her friends, but I’m also afraid it’s making me just slightly neurotic. But maybe I’ll get used to it, in time. I guess it’s the price you have to pay for popularity. I mean, I hear Heather or one of them going on about what a geek some poor girl is, and I know I don’t want them saying anything remotely like that about me.

  And I have to admit it did bother me when Jessica Taylor (one of the cheerleaders who’s not so terribly nice) started picking apart how Beanie dresses while I was sitting with them. She made fun of Beanie’s long velvet coat (it’s dark brown and I used to think it was one of Beanie’s cooler pieces) and then she started calling Beanie a hippie and saying that she’s a pothead (which I happen to know is untrue). But did I say anything in Beanie’s defense? No way, I was a total wimp.

  Sometimes I really hate myself! But it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there—what’s a girl supposed to do anyway? If I’d stood up for Beanie, I would have been the next one on Jessica Taylor’s Hamilton High’s Worst Dressed List. And where would that get me? Already, I spend about an hour every night just trying to figure out what I can wear the next day that’ll be cool enough to hang with Jenny and her friends without looking like the poor, hopeless misfit of the bunch. I’m telling you, it’s just not easy.

  But let me tell you just why it’s worth it. Remember Brian Whittier (the boy who threw the birthday party last weekend); well, his best friend is Nathan Parker (a really cute guy who is on my top five picks list and a pretty good basketball player too). Anyway, Nathan has been talking and joking around with me this week. Heather said he was asking her all about me—he actually thought I was a new girl who’d moved here from someplace else! Let me tell you, I wish I was from someplace else. It doesn’t seem to matter to him that I’ve only recently begun hanging with Jenny and Heather—he seems to be interested in me for who I am.

  The only thing that’s bothering me about all this now, is that I’m afraid he’ll ask me out, and (now this is really embarrassing) my parents have never let me go out on a date yet. After my dad went to this Christian men’s convention a few years ago, he got it into his head that I shouldn’t date until I turned EIGHTEEN! Well, at the time, I was only about thirteen and thought my dad was the next thing to God himself, and so I agreed with him (stupid, stupid, stupid!). So, is it fair for parents to hold their kids to some ridiculous promise they made when they were barely entering adolescence? I don’t think so!

  Anyway, this is not a conversation I’m looking forward to at all. But I intend to have it. I’ve already started (very subtly) working on my mom, and she seems sort of open to the whole thing. But my mom’s been acting kind of strange anyway lately—kind of checked-out or something. It’s almost like I can ask her anything and she’ll just say “okay, that sounds fine.” Not that I mind, but it does bother me a little. Just a little. Anyway, I asked my dad if he would take me to breakfast tomorrow morning—we used to do that a lot; it was our special time together. And he agreed. So tonight I’ll sleep with my fingers crossed. And maybe even say a prayer!

  January 11, Thursday (get real, Dad!)

  Well, I will no longer be considering myself Daddy’s little girl. That man is the most narrow minded, suspicious, distrustful person on the entire planet. He sat there in the Denny’s booth and told me with a straight face that “high school boys are only looking for one thing!” And, of course, we all know what he means by that. But how ridiculous! Like every single high school guy wants to take out a girl just so he can have sex. I wish my dad would get real!

  I mean, I’m not stupid, I know there are a lot of kids doing it (maybe even most kids, the way they talk and all), but not everyone! And why does he think that I would even consider having sex? Just because I’m going out on a date? I mean, think about it, if I wanted to have sex that bad, I could just duck out behind the gym the way I’ve heard some other girls do—disgusting as that sounds to me. But who does my dad think I am? What have I ever done to make him so distrustful of me that I couldn’t go out with a boy and not go to bed with him? Not only that, it really creeps me out to have my dad even thinking that way about me to begin with. I don’t know if I want to talk to him again about any of this stuff. And I used to think that Dad and I were so close—sympatico, you know. I think I’d better just talk to my mom instead. Maybe she can turn his paranoid thinking back towards reality. But I doubt that.

  Anyway, who am I trying to fool here? Nathan will probably never ask me out. I am planning to go to the basketball game tomorrow since it’s at home this week. And if I hang out with Jenny and Heather—well, who knows what might happen after the game? And the best part is, my parents won’t stop me from going to a basketball game.

  So now the biggest question is: What will I wear? It’s not fair that Heather and Jenny get to wear their cheerleader uniforms all the time—just think how many times they don’t have to worry about what they’re going to wear! Maybe I can get Mom to take me to the mall after school on Friday. I still have some Christmas money left, and besides, she and I haven’t done much together lately, not to mention she still needs some softening up just in case the dating question ever arises.

  January 12, Friday (twists and turns)

  So much has happened in one single day! I almost don’t know where to begin. Let’s see, first off, Mom and I went to the mall this afternoon. And she was being totally cool about everything. She really likes my new friends, and she even bought me a new jacket and a pair of shoes that were on sale. (I told her my other favorite pair got ruined when I stepped in a mud puddle; okay, so it was a lie, but what was I supposed to say?) Anyway, we ate some pizza at the food court, and then we discussed at length the whole “to date or not to date” situation.
>
  Finally she said she felt it should be my decision (and I was old enough to make it) and then she promised to talk to Dad about the whole thing. Thank heavens for cool moms! Anyway, then she even waited for me to go into the restroom and put on my new stuff and then she dropped me off at the basketball game. I told her she should’ve won the coolest mom of the day award, and that seemed to make her happy. Now that I think about it, it doesn’t seem like she’s been real happy lately. But that’s probably just part of being a mom and having to work and stuff like that.

  So, anyway, I got to the ball game (looking pretty good, I might add), and I went to sit down in the place where the cheerleaders and everyone sits (right in front), but then I realized the bleachers were already full right there. Then suddenly it hits me—I’ve never sat with these kids at a game before in my entire life, and just because they’re Jenny’s friends doesn’t guarantee that they’ll welcome me with open arms. I didn’t know what to do, and I started to turn away, thinking I better go find someplace else to sit, and hoping my face wasn’t turning beet red in embarrassment. I even wondered if Beanie might be here somewhere (unlikely as that seemed) and why hadn’t I thought this whole thing out better?

  But just then, Jenny yelled out, “Hey, Caitlin, there’s room for you over here. Scoot over you guys, and let Caitlin squeeze in.” And (big sigh) my troubles were over. Thank goodness too, ’cause I don’t know what I would’ve done otherwise. So I sat with all of them during the game, and it was pretty fun, but I couldn’t keep my eyes off Nathan, and I’m pretty sure he was looking my way too (at least the few times he was sitting on the bench, which wasn’t a whole lot). Then, the game was over (which we won by the way), and Jenny asked if I wanted to go with her over to a little celebration party.