Becoming Me Read online

  Of course, I agreed, telling myself that if by some chance Jenny should became intoxicated (not that I knew ahead of time that there would be alcohol there), I’d be the designated driver to get us home safely. As we were driving, Jenny confided to me that she’d been missing Josh lately and had devised a plan to get him back.

  “But I’ll need your help, Cate,” she explained (Jenny’s the only friend I allow to call me by anything but Caitlin). “Sure, what do you want me to do?” I asked, eager to please. Then she told me that if she could just make Josh jealous, he’d beg her to come back. “But in order to make him jealous,” she said, “I need an unattached guy to cozy up to—not just any guy. I mean, he’s got to be cute and popular.”

  Suddenly I know exactly who she means. “Are you thinking of Nathan Parker?” I ask, trying to disguise my shock and disgust. She nods and I feel my insides give a strange little twist. “But Nathan and I aren’t even a real couple or anything, Jenny. I mean, I don’t really know how I can be of any help to you…”

  Well, I’m feeling kind of like a deflated balloon about then.

  “That’s okay,” she continues. “Everyone knows that Nathan’s got his eye on you, Cate. But maybe for tonight, you could just step out of the picture for a little, and let me pretend that he and I are getting together.” I’m kind of stunned and don’t really know what to say. But how can I say no? And so I just totally wimp out and agree to her plan.

  So Nathan and the other basketball players arrive at the party (all happy about tonight’s victory), and I just act totally uninterested in him, which really makes me feel completely horrible. I’m wondering, why do people play these kinds of games anyway? And, of course, Jenny steps right in looking all cute and perky in her cheerleader uniform (and that’s after she’s loosened up with a couple of drinks—I was feeling pretty tempted to “loosen” up myself, but somehow I managed to resist).

  And suddenly it seemed like she was all over him, and it actually made me really, really mad. I mean, I thought she was my friend, and I thought it was all just an act to make Josh jealous. But it looked pretty real to me. Finally, I got totally fed up with everything that I just went into another room (it was like a library or office, and I’m pretty sure the kids weren’t supposed to be in there, but as usual, the parents weren’t home, so who was around to care?). Anyway I sat down in this big leather chair and wondered what in the world I was doing there. And why? And if Jenny was supposed to be my friend, why was she treating me like this? What fun was it to watch a bunch of stupid kids getting totally plastered—and believe me, I felt more like an outsider than ever!

  I was just about to pick up the phone and call my parents to come and get me when Josh Miller walked in and asked if he could join me. Not for the first time that night, I tried to conceal my surprise, and said, “Sure, have a seat if you want to join the fun. I’m having a great time.” He laughed and sat down. And then we started to talk. It was so weird. Josh Miller and me just sitting in some guy’s den and talking. Just a few weeks ago, I never would’ve dreamed that this could have ever happened—not in a million years!

  But there I was, just as cool as anything, carrying on an intelligent and somewhat witty conversation with one of the most popular guys in Harrison High. And a senior too! Josh told me how he didn’t really enjoy these drinking parties that much either, saying how most of the kids acted pretty immature and half of them ended up sicker than dogs before the night was over.

  Then he said he was going to leave and wondered if I wanted a ride home. I mentioned that I’d come with Jenny, then he said that he thought Jenny was pretty obsessed with Nathan right now and probably wouldn’t even miss me. Well that got to me! So, I said, “Sure, why not?” And the two of us walked out to where everyone else was and told them all good-night.

  Well, you should’ve seen the look on Jenny’s face! And suddenly I knew I’d blown it big time—and I knew my days of popularity had probably come to a swift end. I guess Josh could sense I was worried when I got all quiet in his car (which was a really nice little Jeep Wrangler, by the way) and he asked me what was wrong. And it was like somebody had uncorked something in me and I ended up just pouring out the whole story about how Jenny had been such a good friend to me, and then how she wanted to make Josh jealous by feigning interest in Nathan, and how I had just totally messed everything up.

  Josh ended up just laughing hysterically about the whole thing. And I figured that by now I’d really blown it, and the story would be all over school by Monday, and Caitlin O’Conner (the one week wonder) would be history. But then Josh turned to me and said that he thought I was a really unusual girl and that he wanted to get to know me better. Then he said not to worry about Jenny, that she’d get over it. And if it would help any, he’d talk to her himself. What a guy! Anyway, he dropped me at home, and now he’s all I can think about. And now I don’t even care if it would make Jenny totally hate me, if I had the chance to go out with Josh Miller I wouldn’t think twice. At least I don’t think I would…

  January 13, Saturday (two strikes)

  This afternoon, Jenny calls and she’s all just as nice and sweet as you please. So I decide to act kind of indifferent to her, not rude or anything, but just slightly chilly, if you know what I mean. Anyway, it doesn’t seem to affect her at all. And finally, she just breaks down and apologizes to me! I’m thinking, this is pretty funny; I leave the party last night with the one guy that Jenny Lambert really likes, and today she’s apologizing to me.

  So then I told her, quite honestly, that I was sorry too. I explained how I wasn’t having much fun last night, and when Josh offered me a ride, I couldn’t see any reason not to take it. “I know all about that, Cate,” she said reassuringly. “Josh came over this morning and told me the whole story. And I have to thank you—because of what you said, Josh and I are going out again.”

  Well, as you can imagine, I pretended to be all happy and excited for her, saying how I thought Josh was a pretty nice guy after all and how I hoped that things went better for them this time. (I really hoped that they’d go out on one date and end up in a great big fight and break up for good!)

  So now, it looks like I’ve lost Josh and Nathan all in one stupid weekend. One minute your hopes are flying to the moon and the next minute you’re lower than a piece of chewed-up gum sticking to the bottom of someone’s dirty sneaker! Being a teenager these days is not for the faint of heart.

  FOUR

  January 14, Sunday (questions, questions)

  I didn’t want to go to church today. But naturally I kept this little piece of information to myself. Knowing something about how the mind of a parent works, I felt pretty certain that they’d put two and two together to equal five and thus decide that my new friends (Jenny et al) were a bad influence on me after all. And right now, I’m not too sure about my dad’s thinking anyway, so I’m certainly not going to rock the family boat.

  So anyway, I got up, got dressed (and believe me there’s no need to plan a cool outfit for this crowd) and climbed into the backseat of our Volvo next to my little brother, Benjamin, who became impossible when he turned twelve, and who hasn’t bathed (I’d guess by his smell) since last year! Anyway, eager to escape Ben’s stench, I leaped out of the car and raced over to the youth house (maybe my dad thought I was excited about going to youth group). To my dismay, Beanie, once again, was not there. Not that I really wanted to hear her lecture me or anything, but suddenly I’m feeling all guilty like if Beanie doesn’t go to heaven now, it’ll be all my fault. But to tell you the truth, I’m not even sure if I’m going to heaven these days. I mean, just because you go to church doesn’t mean you go to heaven. At least that’s what our youth pastor said today. And I got to thinking, maybe I’m not going either.

  Then here’s a really scary thought—what if there is no heaven? I mean, what if all these Christians are working really hard to be so good and perfect (playing by the rules and everything) and come to find out there is no heaven�
�no hell—just a great big cosmic joke. I have to admit it feels really wrong (is it blasphemy?) to actually write those words down. But the truth is, I’m starting to wonder about all this religious stuff. I mean, for my whole life, it’s all I’ve ever heard, and I guess up until now I’ve always pretty much believed it. At least I think I did. And even now, despite all this doubtful rambling, I do still believe in God. At least I think I do. But then why am I suddenly feeling so confused about all this stuff? Is it right for me to blindly accept my parents’ religion as my own without ever asking any questions for myself? I mean, Beanie’s dad is supposedly Jewish, but that doesn’t seem to make her Jewish. So what’s the deal? So I’m thinking that just because my parents are Christians and go to church (fairly regularly, but not always) that doesn’t necessarily mean I have to be like them. Does it? After all, don’t we all have to figure these things out for ourselves in the long run?

  January 18, Thursday (deeper thoughts)

  It’s been a busy week and tomorrow is a “no school” day, so I figure I better catch up in my diary (wouldn’t want to leave an important piece of my life out!). This week we’ve had a lot of Martin Luther King Jr. activities going on at our school, which I actually think is pretty cool. I even wrote an essay on him, and although I know he wasn’t perfect or anything, I think he was a pretty amazing guy and I really do admire all he did for human rights and everything.

  So I’m sitting here wondering, will my life ever have any important significance like that? I know I’ll never do anything as important as Reverend King, but sometimes I hope that my life will amount to something beyond just education and career and getting married and having kids (not that I see that happening any time soon!). But, it’s like, I look at my parents’ lives and I think—there’s got to be more to life than that. Oh yeah, I’ll admit the idea of meeting Mr. Wonderful (and I must confess I still dream about Josh Miller occasionally) and getting married can sound pretty good sometimes. But still, it just seems there should be more to life than that. Only, I’m not sure what. And I’m not even sure what’s making me so philosophical today—maybe it’s just all this Martin Luther King Jr. stuff. And I suppose it’s good for everyone to think a little more deeply from time to time.

  Speaking of deep thinkers, I talked to Beanie this week. I was feeling kind of bad and I just decided to call her up and see how she was doing and everything. She sounded so down and depressed, and I kept thinking is this all my fault? But then how can I take responsibility for someone else’s life when I don’t even quite know what to do with my own?

  But anyway, I told her I was sorry that I hadn’t spent time with her lately, but that my life was just taking another direction. Beanie was actually pretty understanding, even if she was slightly sarcastic about it. She said she knew that “my little stint with popularity had become all consuming for me, but that it probably wouldn’t last forever.” I figured I probably deserved that, and didn’t even get defensive. I just told her that I hoped everything was going okay for her and that I’d see her around. To which she laughed and said, “Around where?” I can’t remember what I said after that, but then I just hung up. Somehow that conversation didn’t go exactly where I thought it would, but then I don’t even know where that was. But perhaps I just needed to have some closure, as my mom likes to say.

  The truth is I think I may have closed the door on my friendship with Beanie forever. And I have to admit that makes me feel pretty crappy. Because the fact is, I never feel as relaxed or have as much fun with Jenny and her friends as I used to have with good old Beanie. I always feel like I have to be really careful and act just right when I’m with Jenny (like she wouldn’t like me if I acted like the geek that I sometimes suspect I really am). Okay, enough true confessions, this diary is really getting me down today. Maybe I should only write about what’s going on in my life—not about how everything makes me feel.

  February 2, Friday (official first date)

  I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve written in here. But life’s been so busy lately—a good thing, I think. And now, even though it’s really late tonight, I want to try to catch up a little. Let’s see, Jenny and Josh are still together, although as much as she complains about him, I wonder why she doesn’t just let someone else (like me) give him a chance. Fat chance!

  So, anyway, Nathan started talking to me again, and I actually do like him. Plus he’s a pretty good distraction from Josh. Although Josh and I have become good friends now, and frankly I don’t see why Jenny is so down on him all the time. But I try not to think about that too much. Anyway, Nathan invited me to go to the aftergame dance with him tonight, and Mom said it was okay! Fortunately, Dad wasn’t around when I asked (he seems to be gone more and more—handy for me right now, but I think it’s bugging my mom, and Benjamin is acting like a total brat boy!) but so much for the home front.

  So anyway, Nathan and I went to the dance together. And I guess you’d say it was my first official date (I mean I’ve done stuff with guys and girls in youth group) but this was the first time it was just me and a boy alone in a car and going someplace together. And it was pretty fun.

  Nathan has medium brown hair and kind of hazel eyes. He’s tall (six-foot-three to be exact) and he has this really great laugh (kind of deep, but sweet). It was nice being around other kids at the dance; it kind of took the pressure off of having to be such a great conversationalist. And we mixed it up a little too (dancing with other kids) and I even got to dance twice with Josh. Dreamy. But that’s all I’ll say about that!

  Nathan is really nice, and unlike some of the kids, he didn’t sneak any alcohol into the dance. A relief when it came time for him to take me home. And despite my dad’s assumption that high school boys only want one thing, Nathan acted like a perfect gentleman. Although he did kiss me good-night in the car (a relief that he didn’t try it at the front door, just in case my dad was watching). But anyway, let me say this (it wasn’t my first kiss or anything—that happened back at a spin-the-bottle game at middle school church camp): this wasn’t a really great kiss. It was more like a quick peck, and I certainly didn’t feel any fireworks or anything earthshaking. So, I just said good-night and got out of the car and quickly went into the house (I was kind of glad Nathan didn’t walk me to the door). And thankfully my parents weren’t lurking around and I just zipped straight upstairs to my room.

  But now I’m wondering, was it my fault that it wasn’t a good kiss? Was it because I kept thinking about Josh the whole time? Anyway, I guess the right thing would be to just nicely break things off with Nathan. Suddenly, I don’t feel like I want to go out on any more dates right now.

  Well, okay, maybe if it was with Josh, I might consider it. (Okay, I’d totally leap at the chance!) But he and Jenny seemed happier than ever with each other tonight, so I’m sure I’ll never get a chance with him. I guess I should just enjoy being his friend—not every girl gets that opportunity!

  FIVE

  February 6, Tuesday (users and losers)

  It’s just four days until the Valentine’s Day dance and now Jenny and I, and several other (totally hopeless nerd-type) honor society kids will have to work like crazy to get all the decorations made in time. Surprisingly enough (since I’ve been acting sort of chilly) Nathan is still talking to me, and has even called me at home a couple of times, and I keep telling myself that we’re nothing more than friends, although I strongly suspect he thinks there’s something more going on (or that there will be before long). I guess maybe I should’ve broken it off sooner, but I just never had the right opportunity, and I have to admit this whole guy-girl thing is still sort of new to me.

  Fortunately, Nathan has so much basketball practice during the week (and a game tonight which I’m not going to—thanks to my grades dropping sort of unexpectedly this last semester and now my dad’s all over me like a bad case of zits). There really hasn’t been all that much spare time for me to spend with Nathan (not that I’ve really wanted to). So I
guess I’m just sort of going along with everything right now (like everyone assuming that we’re a couple).

  But let me be totally honest about this—you see, I really do want to go to the Valentine’s Dance (and I don’t want to go alone and look like a geek), and Nathan asked me to go with him. And, I ask you, what other prospects did I have? I mean, just a couple of months ago, I would’ve done back flips at the chance to go anywhere with someone as popular as Nathan Parker. But now, it’s like I’m just using him. Is that lame or what? But I’m afraid it’s the pitiful truth. And although part of me feels totally guilty for using him like this, on the other hand, I’m wondering why can’t you just be friends with a boy and go to a dance together? I mean, is that so bad?

  I guess the part that makes it bad is that I’m actually hoping I’ll get to dance with Josh while I’m there. And I’m also hoping that Josh’s eyes will pop out and roll across the cafeteria floor when he sees me in my powder-pink satin dress that Mom let me get last weekend (with Grandma chipping in as well, she said it was my Valentine’s present). Jenny went with us and helped me to pick it out, and she said that color looked absolutely fantastic with my pale blond hair (Jenny’s dress is a similar style, only hers is burgundy which doesn’t look half bad with her dark hair).

  Anyway, I know I’ve got all kinds of horribly wrong motives going on here, and the whole guilt thing is starting to get to me a little, but I just can’t seem to help myself. Am I hopeless, or what? Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder what someone like Beanie Jacobs would say to me right now (that is if she was even talking to me, which she isn’t by the way). She’d probably accuse me of having sold my soul to the devil. To tell the truth, sometimes it almost feels like I did. But I didn’t. At least I’m pretty sure I didn’t. I don’t remember shaking hands or signing anything binding.…